I think my slightly homophobic friend might be gay.

So, back in secondary school I knew a girl who I was quite good friends with, we had conflicting views about some things- such as capital punishment, abortion, same-sex couples adopting, and same-sex marriage. However, we were still close friends regardless.

Now my connection with this girl started before then, as we knew each other back in Primary school. I went to quite a religious primary school, however I didn't retain those beliefs and I became an atheist at age twelve. But my friend kept her beliefs and remained pretty religious. This wasn't really a problem, as we still remained friends even after I came out to her as an atheist.

When I came out to her as questioning back then in terms of orientation, she was accepting although she admitted that if she was gay she wouldn't be able to accept herself. I remember walking with her one day and we were quite deep into discussion about something, and suddenly she remarked "I think you're quite brave, you know?". I was took by surprise by this, and replied "Oh really? Why?". And then she responded saying "Well, it's just that... if I was gay personally, I'd kill myself".

I didn't really know how to respond to that, so it went quiet until I eventually said "well, it's a good thing it's not you then". Not much was said after that.

Things went back to normal for the most part, and we would discuss crushes with each other. At the time I had this crush on this other girl, and I'd discuss this with my friend. My friend would sometimes talk about her crushes too, as we'd jump up and down on her trampoline.

She'd joke about my crush having a girlfriend to see if I would get jealous, and to see if I really had feelings about my crush. My crush didn't have a girlfriend. She later went on to say that she thinks that my crush is straight, and she was right. I never asked my crush out right if she was straight, but I stalked her social media (don't judge me) and found out that she was straight. I also hung out with my crush a bit, and found out she had a crush on this guy, so yeah... I didn't really have a chance.

I remember trampolining one day with my friend, and suddenly she lay down and pretended to be dead. This wasn't out of the ordinary, as my friend would often do this to try and get a reaction- it was a sort of joke, if you will. I sat down next to her a jokingly poked her, she laughed. She then sat up, and asked "(My name), if you ever developed a crush on me you know you could tell me right? I probably wouldn't feel the same way, but I just want to let you know that you can be honest with me".

So,we had a discussion about it and I kept confirming that no, I did not have a crush on her. She kept bringing this up, and each time I would reply the same.

But then one day I found myself having feelings for her, and as expected she rejected me. However, a few days later she asked me out, and I asked her, utterly confused "But, I thought you were straight and didn't like me that way?".

She replied explaining that seeing me question my own identity made her wonder about her identity. So we dated for a couple of days, and she later dumped me when she realised that she was straight. When I say date, we didn't really do much together as it was a closeted relationship- the most we did was hold hands when we thought no one was looking, and then stop doing so when someone went past. Although a few people did see us holding hands, but we just planned to say that we were sisters or something if anybody asked.

She wanted to hold my hand in the school Library, but I thought that was too risky. We came up with the "high five method" so whenever we felt like holding hands and we couldn't because someone was around, we'd high five each other instead- although the high five would last longer than most high fives do.

After our relationship ended, I wasn't too bothered about it as it was only really holding hands and giving high fives to each other for a few days. She was surprised that I got over it so quickly, but eh. However, I was surprised when I would stay at her house and sometimes she'd get really touchy-feel-y with me (this was after we "dated") she'd get really close to me and giggly, almost like she was drunk (she wasn't) and somehow we ended up on the floor and we almost kissed but I pushed her away as I heard footsteps outside the room and I didn't want to be messed around by her- I mean it was confusing, why was she trying to kiss me when she dumped me because she was straight? Why was she acting like this? Was it other one of her jokes? Was she messing with me? Was she actually trying to kiss me, or something else?

It was always hard to tell with her whether she was serious about something or not, as she often liked to randomly pretend to be different characters just to mess with me- and sometimes I'd go along with it and put on a character myself. I remember at one point, she put on a character and I put on a character and we pretended to date a few years before I even came out to her. It was an odd sort of friendship really.

I remember in 2013 in the UK just before they legalised same-sex marriage here, there was quite a bit of debate going on as to whether we should have same-sex marriage be legal. And I remember her commenting "I mean, they should allow it but just not in the church".

Her suggestion was that they should build a smaller building next to churches and have let people who want to marry the same-sex get married in there. Of course I don't have to tell you why having a smaller, shabbier looking church for "the gays" would be a bad idea. And this was when I was out to her.

Her views on same-sex adoption were fairly positive, although she thought that lesbians should only be allowed to have daughters, and gay men only allowed to have sons. Personally, I don't know how to feel about her views on this one. I'll have to make a thread on that at some point.

These days, we've drifted away from each other. She works at an apprenticeship at a place that I have since moved away from, and we haven't had a proper conversation in a while. She's always too busy, and I have to wonder if it's even worth staying in contact with her. She'll sometimes contact me and ask if I'm still gay (again, and again, and again ugh) but aside from that, we don't talk much.

But, before I end this thread- I'd like to talk about this sleepover I had with her and a few others.

So, I stayed over at her house one time and we were discussing what film we should watch. Two of my friends were sharing lip gloss, one of them had it on and the other asked for some. "I would, but people might think we kissed if we did that!" she joked to the other, and then handed her the lip gloss. For simplicity, I'll call one April and the other Hazel. So April, the one who made the joke- sat down and smirked whilst the other- Hazel, put on April's lip gloss. I'll call my friend who this thread is about Taylor.

April looked around the table, and said "You know, there are five of us here. You know what that means?" We looked around at each other, confused. April continued "It means that one of us is probably gay". My heart sank. I looked at Taylor from the other side of the table, and she looked at me with a knowing look. "But um, isn't that statistic more like 1 in 10 than 1 in 5?" I said. I argued with April about this for a while.

It didn't matter though as the others had picked up on the exchanged looks we had given each other. They were quick to question Taylor, as no one suspected me. No one expected me because I had "dated" this gay guy and we were both in the closet, so they saw me as straight. But Taylor hadn't dated anyone, although she had expressed interest about boys she liked to me before.

So after we had picked the film, when we were watching it she kept copying my body language exactly. I thought this was odd, so I tried posing in certain ways and she kept doing the same. The others found it quite amusing.

Anyway, I don't really know why I'm going on about this now. I guess I just felt like talking about it. yeah...