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How to help my boyfriend and his homophobic brother reconnect?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Helpingthebros1, Jul 17, 2016.

  1. Helpingthebros1

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    Created an account to ask this question and get advice from people who may have gone through this with a friend or family member.

    My fiancé James has 5 brothers and was raised in a very macho environment so coming out was never gonna be easy. He was especially close to his younger brother Nathan.

    He came out over Christmas time 2014 and introduced me to them and most of them took it surprisingly well. The only person who didn't take it well was Nathan. A massive argument erupted and he swung for James's face. He's apparently never been particularly homophobic so this was a massive shock to my boyfriend. We've actually heard rumours in the past that he may be gay himself so he may be using homophobia to cover his own ass.

    He hasn't even looked at James since he came out, won't even be in the same room as him. We send him an 21st Birthday card a couple weeks back and James got him a collection of pictures of the 2 of them when they were kids. We found the card and the photos ripped up in the bin. This was the first time I've seen James cry, he's heartbroken. He even tried to stick the photos together. He was SO close to Nathan, used to do everything together and they were never apart, they're both miserable without each other

    We're getting married next year and James really wants Nathan to be his best man (unlikely I know) it'll ruin the wedding if he doesn't at least come. I also think that if he doesn't come to our wedding then they will never make up, their relationship will never be fixed. I hate seeing James so miserable without his younger brother, I need to do something to help these 2 reconnect and sort their relationship out but I don't know what to do so I need help :confused:
     
  2. Alexrocks1253

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    I'm so sorry. Maybe both of you could have a calm talk with his younger brother to figure things out? I'm not much help. I know how James feels, though. Many of my closest friends have given up on the friendship right after I came out to them. I really hope that this helps, as usually everyone hates me.
     
  3. Helpingthebros1

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    Thanks for the reply,

    We've tried many times to talk to him but neither of them like to talk about their feelings so it never works out. They just need to sit down and talk it over but even getting Nathan in the same room as him is a struggle, for him to actually talk about his emotions is near impossible. He's stubborn and James is scared of challenging him in case he screws up their relationship even more. I hate seeing James so miserable, I feel so useless :icon_sad:
     
  4. resu

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    Have you asked his parents or other brothers to talk to Nathan? He may be more receptive to them. It does sounds weird he should be so angry over something that really doesn't affect his life. However, don't try to guess why he is doing things. Maybe it is internalized homophobia; maybe it's not. Even if he doesn't attend the wedding, you shouldn't write him off as hopeless. Give him opportunities to reconnect, but don't force it on him. Some people take many years to finally be tolerant/accepting; it's ultimately their choice. Kill it (his homophobia) with kindness. If he can learn to hate, he can be taught to love.
     
  5. Helpingthebros1

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    Thanks for the reply,

    That's something that we're working on, a couple of his brothers have spoken to him about his homophobia after he ripped up the pictures and apparently told one of them "he feels bad about it". He's just too stubborn to change his attitude but I guess that's a start.

    I know I should just give it time and hope it sorts itself out but all my boyfriend wants is to have that relationship with his brother back. He has a lot of 'guilt' for being gay, he's told me he wishes he never came out. If he doesn't come to the wedding then I really do feel their relationship will be as good as dead and buried for good.

    I don't want to force it, just maybe push it along :lol:
     
    #5 Helpingthebros1, Jul 18, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2016
  6. resu

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    "Feeling bad" is a positive glimmer, but still ripping up pictures is unjustified.

    Have you thought of getting your boyfriend to talk to a counselor who understands LGBT
    issues? If he's feeling guilt about coming out, then it sounds like his brother feels worse (kind of melodramatic, IMO).