There are a couple offline friends of mine I've been in an ambiguous state of friendship, from my perspective, the last month and a half which is how long it's been since we last hung out [in any combination.] Since then we haven't really interacted much, the few times I was motivated enough to do so I felt discouraged by the results/reactions. With the closer of my two friends, a combination of not really wanting to talk about things on one occasion, then at the idea of hanging out said 'maybe we could do lunch.' Which normally I wouldn't have minded, but something about the way it came out left me feeling like a friend-of-convenience. The other I haven't known as long, she only moved in with her friend's family again last Fall, but tried arranging a lunch to catch-up over. While in the past she'd been fairly communicative about whether or not we could do something, this time there was no confirmation, even after running into her just outside work [first time I'd seen her in a month] with her saying she'd get back to me. If these were new friends, I'd probably just let them go, but since I've gotten to be fairly close with the former of the two and was hoping to with the latter as well it really seems that things have changed for some inexplicable reason. For the most part I've been understanding, knowing they're tied up with various responsibilities: work, bills, familial tensions at home, etc. and they're apparently beginning to go back to school as well [presumably part-time.] But, so far as I'm aware, each of them as a, erm... 'special person' which I'm under the impression they'll move heaven-and-earth to spend time with, and who knows maybe other new friends as well, but here I feel cast aside. I've reached the point where I want to say something, if only for my own sake and perhaps to determine once-and-for-all whether I want to keep these relationships; rather than letting them fade out without knowing anything for certain. I just drafted a message I've been thinking of sending as a joint-message on Facebook: "I hope things have been going alright, or as much as possible, with you both. Wanted to send a message, because it's awhile since we've really talked or hung out together. After the last time, I was out of it enough to where it seemed necessary to take some personal time and not socialise for a bit, trying to understand why I'll react the way I do. Don't believe I understand anymore than before, however taking the break has become helpful and I'm experiencing more calmness these days. In the last month and a half, I've wanted to hang out again, individually or together, and despite being aware of your various responsibilities, circumstances, etc. I've been feeling discouraged about where our friendships are right now. For awhile I didn't want to say anything, blaming myself for my reactions, but it's at the point where I'm frustrated and put-off. We haven't really interacted in so long yet it seems totally fine; when reaching out I feel inconvenient or irrelevant, if not just simply shut-out altogether and imagine your preferring to hang out with others. I don't know whether this is some massive misunderstanding on one side or the other. I mention this in not wanting to close myself off and because I don't want to be frustrated with friends, holding negative feelings in. This isn't to guilt, blame anyone or ask for explanations and I don't really know what my expectations are in sending this, other than acknowledging what's going on and hoping to feel like friends again." My concerns are whether it's assertive enough without sounding like a demanding jerk or too apologetic on my part to make it seem I'm 'okay' with what's (not) happening.
I might hold off on this for now, at least sending the note you mentioned. There's a variety of things that could be happening here, and friendships, like any other relationships, will go through different phases. Now, if you're going through something where you feel like you need a friend right now, then I wouldn't hesitate to get in touch, tell them that, and see if being more up-front helps. On the other hand, maybe they're struggling with something that you're not aware of yet. In this case, a simple note along the lines of, "I've noticed we haven't been hanging out so much - everything okay with you?" might do the trick. In the absence of extreme circumstances, though, if you feel like they're just drifting apart from you, then confronting them isn't likely to change that fact. In that case, you'll know the answer from their actions - or may know it already.
After running this by another friend of mine, they suggested something along the lines of the simple note you mentioned and I sent it this morning. However, the response has left me a bit more confused than before while also confirming some of my existing feelings.
So, here's the message I ended up sending almost a week ago: "How're you doing? It's a long time since we've hung out and it's been upsetting me. I'd like to talk with you, here or in person, about how this makes me feel regarding our friendships." This was in a joint conversation, but so far as I'm aware only one of the two friends, the closer one [will call her 'S,'] has seen (and responded) to it, as already mentioned. This is what she said: "Yeah I really haven't been talking to anyone other than "C"*, kind of in a down swing" [*This is someone she's been in some undefined relationship with for the last few, several months that she only met earlier this year.] For some reason, she replied in a private conversation rather than the one I left the message in, which is odd. Perhaps she's avoiding involving the other friend [will call her 'L'] since there has been tension going on between them. In any case, I've held off on getting back for awhile because it left me with so many thoughts. It bothered me that she didn't acknowledge me at all in the message, let alone what I'm feeling; if anything it just sounds like she's excusing herself. Also, whether rightly or wrongly if either, I'm put-off that she's preferring to talk with the guy (almost) exclusively, considering things haven't been going all that smoothly between them based on what she's told me or that I've heard in the past. Plus she and I have been friends awhile longer than they've been 'dating,' I feel demoted from being a close friend to an inconvenience. Finally, "down swing" seems ambiguous, even to me. I know she's struggled with depression and takes medication for it, but I don't know whether it's that or simply being exhausted/overworked dealing with family, frustrations with L, going back to school, her relationship with C and whatever else. In my experience with her before, her depression hasn't effected our friendship to the point where we've gone two months (now) without seeing each other or communicating. I want to be understanding but, given the build-up of things over time, I feel this is the last straw. Lately I've been deeply angry toward them, though moreso S, as I still see her at work at least; to the point where I've stopped going out of my way to talk with S and even go out of my way to avoid being near her. I don't want this to be an ongoing habit, but for now I hadn't known what to say or do; I cannot act as though I'm just fine with the situation either. After talking with my therapist about the response and my reactions since, I want to send a reply finally addressing at least these things: - That I deliberately wanted to take time in making a reply. - Was there a reason she replied to me separately, rather than in our joint conversation? [Possibly emphasizing the original message is meant for both of them and not just S.] - That I want to or normally would be understanding, however I've effectively been shut-out from them and thus whatever's going on with either and gradually felt less and less valued as a friend over the last few months. Off-the-cuff, am considering: I waited to send a reply, because the last message angered me so much I didn't want to say anything regretful. Also, was there a reason you sent it privately instead of in the joint-conversation? I'm sorry that you're in a down swing, but it's difficult for me to be understanding when I've been shut-out of what's going on for at least the past two months. Whether I should add more or leave it there for now, I'm still debating.
