Straight guy friend in love with me?? Help?

Hi @Miri,

It sounds like you felt dreadful and guilty after realizing that, all this time, while you are painfully fighting for your relationship with your crush, a kind male friend has developed romantic feelings for you and even willing to the extend of helping you in finding happiness with your current relationship.

What does your intuition tell you? I would try to honestly ask myself, deep down, whom do I sexually/romantically prefer: whether its male, female, both, or more preference on either sides. And honestly ask myself whether I truly have feelings for this male friend. And if I can really see myself being with him in the long term. Not just due to him being a good person who has gone through a lot on my behalf.

Irregardless of the type of relationships, a healthy relationship will often require both sides to be constantly compromising and working out issues together in the future. It takes two for a relationship to work so its important knowing what each other are getting themselves into.

If you are not able to have/develop feelings for this male friend, then perhaps it would be wiser to communicate your thoughts to him. Sit down and talk about it maturely and communicate what can be expected from each other now so that both sides can move forward with their lives. If both sides can come to an understanding, it doesn't have to cost the friendship. If he decides to let go of this friendship, that is okay too. Its his way to process his feelings in order to move forward. Just allow him the time and space.

If he still decides to continue helping you with your relationship, then its his decision and I would accept it gracefully. I would also try not to feel too guilty about it because as we become more mature, its important for us to learn to give and receive and to allow comfort/rejection, to ourselves and to others. It's simply a part of life.

I would just feel the guilt. Simply feel it filling your entire body. Feel the tightness and heaviness in your chest. Feel your breath. And just allow it to happen. You don't have to let the emotions take over you. As you process this feeling, you will also begin to move on forward in life.


I hope this helps.


Ben

 

She's gay though... That's not how gay works...

I am in a similar situation to your friend, except I have a huge crush on my straight best friend and I would never tell her because I feel it would be selfish to put that on her. I also think your friend should have kept it to himself since he knew you are gay, but it's too late for that now.

That said, I love to help my friend and I am not doing it to get anything from her. I am doing it because I genuinely love her as a friend aside from the crush (which I hope goes away soon), and your friend sounds like he just honestly wants to be there for you too. So try not to feel so guilty about it! I agree fully with this part of Ben369's comment:

Just make it really clear that nothing will ever happen, so he doesn't get the wrong idea. Men can have a difficult time wrapping their head around a woman being gay sometimes.

 

I apologize if it came across differently from my intended meaning. I intended to ask this so that, being a lesbian, when she analyzed and answered the questions herself, she will come to realized that since she completely has no attraction to her male friend, it will be better for both sides, if she would let him know honestly about their situation. I hope it makes sense.

Ben

 

Honestly, your dad has no idea what he is talking about. Ask him to go get married to one of his best buddies and I am pretty sure he won't think it's such a great idea anymore. He probably just thinks you don't need to feel sexual attraction because it would be a straight relationship so you would be normal. The "right person" is someone you love entirely and who loves you entirely, that is the only "right person".

It sounds to me like you haven't fully accepted being gay yet, and you still want to try to make it work with guys because people around you tell you to. Being gay is a valid thing if that is who you are, don't go into a relationship you will regret just to please others because it will only hurt you and your friend in the end. In order to stop agonizing over it you have to decide on why you think having a relationship with him is an option. Is it because you genuinely want that or is it because of outside pressure? Then take action based on that.