Hello I am almost 23 and only had 2 long-term friends my entire life. (I also had 2 long distance internet friends for several years, but that is a different story) One of those friends was from school, a girl, but I've moved an hour away after graduation 5 years ago and only see her when I visit my parents. The other friend, another gay guy, I met over ****** last September as an attempt to make a friend. Now, both have mostly been debilitating on me lately because they suffer from heavy depression like me. The guy is hooked on drugs too. They both dont have jobs and I end up spending a lot of money I barely have when I hang out with them, and I'm trying to save to get out if the hell hole I'm in. Last night I became severely depressed and told the guy I dont want to be friends anymore because I cannot tolerate the negativity between us any further. Being so socially deprived my whole life, I have no idea how to even find any more friends, or where to go to socialize. And with my depression, usually I can't even get myself to go to the gym which is something I really care about. Finding an honest to good friend is all I can think about anymore and I keep halting my life, even though if I work and study enough to get into college would help a lot. But I have no motivation because of my lonliness. Would anyone have any advice I can act on, maybe anyone whos experienced similar problems?
Hey I've had similar difficulties in finding friends and it definitely feels much worse when dealing with depression. Much as you want to be looking outward to your friends, you do have to focus on yourself first. Focus on targets that you can achieve to make you feel better about yourself - setting yourself time to go to the gym, taking up hobbies that you enjoy, or if there are any clubs nearby that you can join which would get you out and meeting new people. Any LGBT friendly groups nearby? College might be a good opportunity to meet new people, so studying to get into college could be a good way of achieving that. Try to get into good routines that allow you to go out and get some fresh air, but also to do things that you are interested in and enjoy doing in order to feel better about yourself. Write a list of things that you like about yourself, your achievements or things you're proud of. When you're in a better headspace you will be more able to socialise, (or I find that I at least worry less about the feelings of loneliness) and I also think you would be better equipped to be a supportive presence for your long-term friends, if you choose. I always feel like long-term friendships are worth holding onto, but if the friendship is only having a negative effect then its best to maybe distance yourself for the time being until you feel more able to be there as a friend. You shouldn't feel bad about setting boundaries, especially where it comes to money which you definitely need. There are things you can do which don't use money, and for the friend from school, an hour away isn't too far so when you feel up to it and you are able to you can try to arrange to see her. My closest friends live hours away and while I do get down at times for not getting to see them that often, whenever I do see them we just slip back into the friendship as if we'd never been apart, so if you decide to reconnect with them, even just by picking up the phone and talking to them, then you can do that. But I think you would be better to focus on your own needs right now and getting yourself better and improve your motivation.
Good for you trying to end toxic friendships I know it can be hard when you only have a few friends. I understand how hard debilitating depression can be. I only have one close friend who I accidentally drove a way. Anyway ... As hard as it is, try to get out there and do things maybe a group exercise class? Yoga, Pilates, Zumba? Whatever interests you... Pick up a new (or old hobby) find an art or cooking class and try to meet some people. Then go get coffee with a few. Close friends can really help depression if you're lucky enough to find them. Hope this helped. Good luck!
Don't worry, I did read each reply and thank you for your responses. I have looked around for groups but I live in a low populated, low funded city so there is barely anything around I know of. Battling depression is hard, I had the opportunity to study at the library this morning and went back to sleep after my shower intstead. I picked up a night shift at my job so I worked a double therefore no time for gym. But that was probably for the better because my back muscles were sore from previous exercise. Now I have a predicament I'd like to ask for advice on. Tonight at work I got to meet a relatively new coworker named Joseph, but he only works night shifts while I work only lunch. I was intrieged by him as if I recognized him. When it was time to order our food and eat, Joseph sat in another room alone and away from the rest of the coworkers, but I asked to sit with him and he said sure. In the conversation he asked where I went to school, which I told him in a small town an hour away. He replied he knows of the town and has family there. Then I remembered his last name and, of my best friend in middle school had the same last name. I asked, "Do you know Adam?" His eyes widened and he was silent for a moment. I was looking in his eyes and noticed they were exactly like my best friend. Adam commited suicide in my 8th grade after he returned to homeschooling. I told him he was my best friend back then and we started reminicing. Joseph told me he was very close to him also, and how we both used to go to Adams house to play. I remember another kid being there one time, and also how Adam used to talk about a cousin. After we ate and got back to work, I asked him if he wanted to be friends he could text me, but he told me "I dont really have a phone at the moment, but whenever I do I definately would" I then asked if he had skype on a computer but he said "I dont really have much technology right now." I fear that I may have embarrased him, but I said I understood that I dont have much either. I kid of didnt talk to him much afterwards before we all left which made me feel worse (trying to rush to get everything done). I really want to get to know him more as we seem to have common interests and especially with our previous connection can make this much easier. How can I initiate anything? Hes 18 and still in school, no cell phone or car, and I wont work with him unless I pick up a shift. I told my manager to let me know if any more shift openings, but Joseph doesnt work but 3-4 days a week so that's a gamble. My only real option is to eat dinner at my job on a night when he us working to ask him to hang out. I can pick him up and do something simple. But how should I ask him? I imagine his parents could also be an issue since I'm almost 23, but I could use the Adam 'card' right? I also dont want to make a false impression that I'm romantically interested and that's why I'd ask to hang out because I'm definately not looking for that. I'm pretty sure he gets that I'm gay and maybe he is but that's not what's inportant.
Yes, play the "Adam"card. If you described this guy accurately, he probably is lonely, just like you. You have genuine things in common. Find him, tell him that you really would like to talk more about those times, that losing Adam was hard for you, and that it would be good to share some memories. Be honest about yourself. Something tells me he will appreciate this.
Oh. I got to pick up another evening shift tonight and talk with him. Turns out he was just grounded until Wedsday and said we can hang out then. And even mentioned his parents would probably want to meet me because I was a friend of Adam. Looks like I have a new friend now? I've had past experience in making a friend and suddenly I'm not so depressed anymore and much more motivated to do productive-ness. Hopefully this will last. Thanks for reading guys.
