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I have no pervious experience with people of the same sex, which makes me insecure.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Chinaski, Jul 23, 2016.

  1. Chinaski

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    (I hope this is the right place to post this. Let me know if it isn't.)

    I have never been in a relationship with a woman and I have zero romantic and/or sexual experience with them. I've only ever been in heterosexual relationships and they have all failed because of the fact that I don't really want to have sex with men (that has always been the biggest problem anyway) even though I've been romantically interested in them, which has been very confusing. My last relationship recently ended due to the same problem but even though this has happened to me a few times now, it took me a long time to realise I'm probably into women. I never really questioned my sexual orientation until about a year ago because I grew up being taught I was supposed to be heterosexual and that everything else was wrong and a sin (which I don't agree with). I know a lot of non-heterosexual people grow up in similar environments and still manage to figure out they're not heterosexual quite early in life, but for some reason I didn't even allow myself to think about my sexuality. Maybe that's weird. I was "heterosexual by default".

    So I've realised that I'm probably into women and ever since I realised that I've been more excited about romance and sex than I've been in my whole life in total, which might be a sign that I'm not straight. Not sure if gay or bisexual with a preference for women though. I used to think that maybe I was asexual (that was before I started thinking about women as people I was allowed to be interested in and attracted to) and if it turns out I don't like being with women either then I guess that's the case, but I find it unlikely right now. Perhaps I've simply lived in denial about my same-sex attraction for all these years. Perhaps I've lived in denial for long enough. I don't know. All I know is that I want to be with a woman. I fantasise a lot about having a girlfriend. I fantasise about kissing her, hugging her, cuddling her, holding her hand, taking her out, having sex with her, watching movies with her, going for walks with her, etc. Those thoughts are all really exciting but at the same time a bit scary. I'm very nervous and excited at the same time.

    Anyway, I have no idea how to flirt with women (or anyone for that matter). I have no idea how to even tell if another woman is into women unless they tell me or it's really obvious. I'm also worried that no one's going to want to be with me because I'm almost 26 years old and have no previous experience with women. I'm afraid no one's going to like me enough to actually want to teach me how to do things. It all makes me feel quite insecure.

    I've got two questions:

    1. What are your best tips on how to flirt with women (or people in general)?

    2. Do you reckon the fact that I've never been with someone of the same sex before will be off-putting and a deal-breaker? For some reason I feel a bit ashamed that I haven't figured this stuff out earlier. I just don't want it to be a problem. I've heard it is for some people.

    Thanks.
     
  2. HappyGirlLucky

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    Re: I have no pervious experience with people of the same sex, which makes me insecur

    1. Just approach women you like and be yourself. Also confidence and a sense of humor goes a long way in building sexual tension, which is all flirting really is in the end.

    2. For some this will be a problem, but for most it isn't. Especially since 26 is not even particularly old and there are plenty others your age and older who are in the same boat. I myself figured it out at 29, and in the Later in Life forums there are lots of women in their mid to late 30s and some older than that who have recently come out as gay or bi. For some it is a positive thing, because they like to be your first and show you a good time. :slight_smile:

    I don't and won't ever have a problem with someone who hasn't been with a woman before as long as she actually identifies as bisexual or gay, but I guess it depends on what you are looking for. I am only looking for long term relationships and when doing that it isn't a good idea to be shallow, so I place much more value on someone's personality than on how many people they have slept with or at what age they came out. If you are looking for casual sex some probably do have a preference, but I am sure even then there are a lot who either are new to being gay/bi too or don't care about your experience.
     
  3. Chinaski

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    Re: I have no pervious experience with people of the same sex, which makes me insecur

    Thank you for the reply!

    Would it be a red flag if someone (me for example) isn't completely sure if they're bisexual or gay but know they're definitely not straight? I guess I'm worried that I'll have to defend myself and what I'm thinking and feeling if I want to meet someone. Of course people can ask questions and of course people are entitled to their own opinions, I'm just worried that it's going to be a problem if I can't say for sure whether I'm bi or gay (only that I have pretty much zero interest in men, that I really want a girlfriend and have felt that way for quite some time). Do you know what I mean?

    Anyway, I hope that people will like me for who I am and not for who I've been or haven't been with. :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Chinaski, Jul 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2016
  4. Mariana

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    Re: I have no pervious experience with people of the same sex, which makes me insecur

    I understand why you're worried. I worry about some of those things, too.

    Unfortunately, I've had a negative experience where the woman I was dating told me that the fact that I have never had sex (with anyone) was a problem for her. That made me really insecure because she put such an emphasis on the fact that she's more experienced.

    I don't think everyone is like that, though. There are probably lots of people out there who wouldn't mind at all if you're not as experienced as they are.

    A lot of bi or lesbian women don't want to date women who aren't sure if they're really into women because dating someone who is "just experimenting" holds a high risk of getting your heart broken. But you sound like you're pretty sure that you like women and that should be enough information for a potential partner. If you want to date women it shouldn't matter whether you're bi or a lesbian. The important thing is that you like women. At least that's my opinion.
     
  5. HappyGirlLucky

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    Re: I have no pervious experience with people of the same sex, which makes me insecur

    For me it wouldn't be a problem, as long as you know you aren't straight it would be enough for me. :slight_smile: If it turns out that you are asexual, then we would not work together but it probably wouldn't take very long for you to figure that out so neither of us would be terribly emotionally invested at that time and could move on pretty easily. If it turns out you are bi/pan/gay or whatever else that includes women, that would of course also be no problem as we could just continue dating. :lol:

    Some people will have opinions like you said, and some lesbians even refuse to date bisexuals because of stupid stereotypes, but that is their choice and most are not like that. In fact, I would not even date a lesbian who would not date a bisexual woman because I don't think I would get along with someone who relies that much on stereotypes to make big life decisions. So be prepared that you might run into someone like that, but know that most non-straight women are not that judgemental. :slight_smile:

    Edit: Mariana posted while I was posting, and I agree fully with her opinion. It really shouldn't matter whether you are bi or gay as long as you like women.
     
    #5 HappyGirlLucky, Jul 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2016
  6. Chinaski

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    Re: I have no pervious experience with people of the same sex, which makes me insecur

    I understand that people don't really want to be with someone who's "just experimenting". It's something I worry about a little bit, I guess. Since I haven't ever been with someone of the same sex before it sort of will be a bit of "an experiment" but I wouldn't be with a woman just to experiment but because I actually really think I'm into women and want to be with someone of the same sex. Do you know what I mean?

    Good to hear!

    Anyway, I'm probably overthinking everything since it's all relatively new to me (also, I tend to overthink pretty much everything in life) and because I've read the stories of some people who've had really bad experiences. Bad move. I guess it's probably better to get out there and try to meet someone (eventually) and risk getting rejected than sitting here worrying about getting rejected. I doubt every single bi or lesbian woman would reject me. I'm not that horrible. :icon_wink
     
    #6 Chinaski, Jul 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2016
  7. Mariana

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    Re: I have no pervious experience with people of the same sex, which makes me insecur

    I totally get what you mean. I think honesty is the best policy. If you find someone to date just be honest and tell her that this is new for you.

    Since I'm quite inexperienced in general, my first kiss with a woman felt like kind of a big deal. Up until then I was always worried that maybe I was wrong and I didn't actually like women but only liked the idea of being bi (or something like that). So when that first kiss happened and I liked it, it was a relief. I don't know if this makes sense in your situation but for me kissing a woman kind of confirmed that I'm bi. That doesn't mean that that first kiss was an experiment. I wouldn't have kissed her if I hadn't had feelings for her because I knew she had feelings for me.
     
  8. FoxSong

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    Re: I have no pervious experience with people of the same sex, which makes me insecur

    I agree with what's been said above. For anyone worth the effort, it shouldn't matter that you haven't been with a woman.

    As for the first question, flirting is often something that really just happens spontaneously. For myself, I notice that I tend to smile a lot, make lots of glancing eye contact and try to be as engaging and humorous as I can when I think a girl is cute. Now that isn't necessarily going to help you figure out if she's straight or not, cause a lot of straight ladies are just naturally flirty as well, but oh well. Point at the end of the detour being: just be yourself. Let your flirt happen naturally :wink:
     
    #8 FoxSong, Jul 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2016
  9. Chinaski

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    Re: I have no pervious experience with people of the same sex, which makes me insecur

    Yes, that makes sense and I know it'll be the same for me. It will be a confirmation that I like women but it won't just be an experiment.

    Thank you. Last time I was a bit interested in someone I noticed that I automatically/spontaneously paid more attention to her than the other people in the room. I also noticed that I tried to get more eye contact with her and that I glanced in her direction a lot. If someone made a joke I looked at her to see if she thought it was funny, I tried to show interest in what she was saying and I asked her questions so she could tell me more things. Nothing happened between us though (later someone else told me she's straight) but maybe I was flirting without really realising I was doing it at the time (I was fully aware I thought she was cute and attractive though)?
     
  10. Willa

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    Re: I have no pervious experience with people of the same sex, which makes me insecur

    A few years ago, I was in a relationship with a lovely girl who had never had sex with a woman before. Like you, she was very nervous and self-conscious. She worried that she would embarrass herself, that her inexperience would be a turn-off, that she wouldn't be able to satisfy me, etc. My response when she first worked up the courage to talk to me about it went something like this:

    "I love you, and I want you. That has nothing to do with your experience, and everything to do with YOU as a person. Let me take you out tomorrow night."

    Our first sexual experience, which was her first sexual experience ever with a woman, was absolutely beautiful. It was clumsy and awkward and hilarious and gentle and kind and beautiful. I taught her how to touch me. We laughed a lot. We held each other and kissed a lot. I was at the time an experienced lesbian, and it was hands-down one of the best nights I have ever had.

    The right person will love your clumsiness, your timid hands, and all your questions. The right person will teach you and encourage you. If she loves you, your experience and the nature of your past relationships won't matter.

    Sex is not always serious. It can be silly and easy and fun. Relax.

    As far as flirting is concerned, there isn't a formula for flirting with women, no matter what all the magazines and online articles say, because everyone responds differently and is attracted to different qualities in a person. The best flirting advice I can give to you is that you can't force attraction. Either there's a connection, or there isn't. But if there is a connection, be yourself, be kind, don't take yourself too seriously, and know that not everything someone says has a hidden meaning. Be willing to take people at face value and just enjoy their company.
     
  11. Creativemind

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    Re: I have no pervious experience with people of the same sex, which makes me insecur

    I'm almost 26 years old myself and I have ZERO experience with men or women. I've never done anything sexual, kissed, or been on a date, with either gender. But I haven't let it get me down. People have been still been interested in me, but I haven't gone out with them for various reasons. Anyway, anyone who is right for you will understand you are new to this. Most people aren't gonna care. Personally, I find those with a lack of experience to be a bigger turn on since we're in the same boat and can learn something together. It feels more meaningful that way.

    Flirting I think comes natural. You just try to start a conversation, look in her eyes and all that if there's a connection. It won't always work, as everyone has a different style of flirting and not everyone will be interested, of course. But It's not that much different.