hi. im new here. ive been in a relationship with my bf for 3.5 years. the problem is he is mostly straight. as in, im his first boyfriend. if it were up to him he'd be in a relationship with a woman. shit just didnt work out for him. he was going through a bad phase 4 years ago. we became friends, 6 months later he asked me out. my sex life leaves a lot to be desired. im not sure if he is just less than stellar in bed or if he is under motivated. ive had gay boyfriends in the past and sex with them was filled with passion and like butt enthusiasm. sex with him is more work and i feel like he is mustering up effort when we do butt play. he says he likes it and we do it more often but he has a hard time staying in the zone. he also has adhd and im sure that contributes to it. when he use to watch porn (we recently took a porn break to focus more on reality) it was always hetero big titties women getting railed. ALL THE TIME. needless to say i dont look like them and it was causing multiple issues. so im ranting here today cause ive been lurking in the shadows reading threads for a while and wanted some legit advice. so, he has no family and friends. as in he grew up in foster care and severed ties with his friends about 3 years ago. im 12 years older than him. i have friends and a job and all that adult bs. we have lived together for 3 years. i have a fear that one day ill be in the reverse gay man coming out of a straight relationship situation. we honestly talk about it. i feel like a lot of the women married to gay men may have had similar conversations. he says im the only guy for him. i dont find this to be a compliment. its kind of like when non blacks tell black people they are good looking for being black. i didn't think being in a relationship would be this much work. often times i feel like it is more work than it should be. he just started therapy and we are pretty honest about our relationship. we have those conversations about our fears, our past and the future. uggh, more on this later. just wanted to get this started. BTW, i am not a straight boy chaser. we started as friends. he asked me out, i was single and figured it wouldnt last. 3.5 years later we are still here. the other fucking part i dont really get is why the hell would a hot straight guy and me work better than all the gays ive dated and all the women he has dated? i just can't wrap my head around it. we've had a ton of problems but they aren't exceptionally out of the norm for a couple, especially one with his background. thanks. have a good one ~s
To be honest, it sounds like the question of orientation isn't the only issue here. If he got into a relationship with you because there simply weren't any other options around, then that wouldn't seem to be the best reason to start dating someone to begin with, especially if you're not really attracted to that gender (i.e., if he's really straight after all). That said, 3.5 years is a long time, and if things have lasted so long, then I have to wonder how much of a "convenience" this really was in the first place. It's possible that he's just begun exploring this side of himself with you, and that he simply has a lot more ground to cover before he fully comes out. If he's seeing a therapist, then that's a good first step, and with time that will probably produce some results. For now, if you're okay sticking it out, then I suggest continuing on that path as long as that remains the case. The more information he has, and the more he realizes about himself as a result of the therapy, the easier it may be for the two of you to see the way forward.
Thanks Gravity! I was really in a sad spot last night. we talk about our fears and he knows how i feel about his sexuality and our current situation. His response is usually "if i didn't want to be here I'd leave." Some days its just really hard. Its a bit complicated and ill save those tidbits for another time. We started out as friends. 6 months into it he decided to ask me out. when he was running away from his problems he came to me and found solace in my company and home. he started staying longer and longer each time and eventually he moved in. there definitely are emotional and psychological issues that we are both working through. lol.. i dont think either of us signed up for this. we are both in better spots but some days i feel as he has more benefits than i do from the relationship. but when i factor in the fact that he has to deal with getting ass instead of vag i realize that we both have made sacrifices. not that is is important but he is a young hot white guy and im an older black gent. well, the world generally thinks he is hot and im kind of like leftovers. whenever we are out he gets stares and compliments. i get the check, lol. i feel like a gay stereotype some days because of this. i work outside of the home. he works inside of the home. it takes a while for people to figure we are a couple. he is over 6 ft, im under, he looks like a college bro, i look like a teacher... he is young and has a lot of life ahead of him. im a bit more settled in my ways and i dont want him wasting his youthful years in a stale lifestyle. adding in the mixed orientation status of our inter-generational interracial relationship has been a bit of a task. Thanks again for the advice. Have a good day.
To be honest, I hear you devaluing yourself a lot in this situation as well. Again, if he stuck around for 3.5 years, why is he "sacrificing" to "get ass instead of vag"? And world aside, do you think he believe you're "leftovers," or is that you talking? From the sound of it, it seems like you clearly had something to offer in the beginning (him being most comfortable at your place, wanting to move in, etc.), but you may not feel like that anymore. I don't know how it would be best to work this into his efforts in therapy, but it might be good to have a talk together at one point about what you both feel like you're bring to, and getting from, the relationship. If one of you feelings like you're lacking in either respect, that could be something to work on as a team. And you're more than welcome! Keep posting as much as you like.
