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What do I do????

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by kingK, Aug 1, 2016.

  1. kingK

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    Hey everyone! So I'm sorry if I include some unneccesary detail within this story but I like to ramble and I don't know what to cut out. I'll do my best to get to the point though. I'm in desperate need of opinions and thoughts about what to do in this situation because I'm a mess and just have absolutely no idea what to think anymore. :slight_smile: Let's start!

    So, I met this guy my freshman year of highschool in ASB class. That's basically student government for anynone who doesn't know. He was a big contrast to me he was sociable and had so many friends while I just didn't. Which is one of the main reasons I decided to do ASB. We had a lot in common and instantly got along and after a while I could genuninely say he grew to become someone I considered a really close friend and trusted completely. He brought me out of my shell and helped me grow to who I am today. As our friendship went on it grew more and more apparent to me just how important to me he was in my life. He was always there for me and was just someone I felt so comfortable and myself around.

    Flash forward to the summer before our junior year. At this point I was pretty much out to my entire highschool. When I told him he was, as expected, super supportive and accepting. He had just broken up with his girlfriend. Mostly because he's super immature and just wasn't ready to handle a relationship but that's honestly a whole other story. At this point I hadn't realized my feelings yet. I actually was just getting over a huge crush I had on his brother (I know) which didn't end well whatsoever. So my best friend was probably the last person on my radar.

    Eventually yes. It happened. I never wanted it to happen. It was just a stereotypical thing and I never expected something so predictable to happen to me. But life is strange I guess. Straight crushes are completely awful but they will inevitably happen to most of us. My feelings for him just grew stronger and stronger. It didn't help either thay me and him spent so much time together. Here is part of the reason I am concerned with myself. There were a ton of little subtle things he'd do that confuse the hell out of me but also still make me feel super tingly inside to this day. For whatever reason it makes me happy to think about these little moments still. But it also crushes me.

    I don't know if I'm delusional or idiotic but there were so many of these little incidents. Like longer hugs, him suddenly being super concerned with my love life and which boys I liked, and the fucking way he would look at me. Now I know that sounds like such an annoying angsty thing to say (like you're probably rolling your eyes at how much of a stupid dumb adolescent thought that is, me too) but to me inside there was just something there and it drives me crazy. Like I could just sense something was running through his mind while looking at me. Reading back what I'm typing I want to smack myself with some reality but this is what goes through my head so...

    ANYWAYS. The weirdest moment by far was this one day when he decided to say that he "would never be like his brother." He also wouldn't stop bringing up how much he cared about me and how he would never hurt me. He also slipped out a friendly I love you. Now of course that was sweet and makes me super giddy inside when I think about it. But it also completely screws with my heart. Any normal person would also take a step back and overanalyze the fuck out of this situation too, right? Am I for in present day crazy for still thinking about this confusing moment on a daily basis? ): I remember one time I rested my head on his chest and he didn't even push me away? What????? Just a ton of random stuff like that. He's also a naturally touchy feely person but to some extent you stop right? It was around this time too that I realized just how deeply I was falling for him and much it sucked for me. The idea of confessing to him was also something I stayed far away from considering. I figured there would be no outcome anyway; postive or negative. So I just compressed, acted like nothing was wrong, and continued to feel sorry for myself.

    Soon, he got a new girlfriend. And I hated every part of it. Not only for the obvious reasons but also for the fact that it so rushed. It came out of no where. They were only talking to each other for like a week before they decided to start dating. It was so childish and elementary. Throughout this time we started to drift apart. I didn't text him or hang out with him as often as I used too. It was unhealthy to be around him anyway because for a lot of the time she was there or she was brought up and I would just get angry and my jealously would consume me to the point where I was worried it was showing. Not only that but I had so many other things on my mind and I was so stressed out.

    The day came when I decided to tell him. I felt like I was losing him to this girl and I just didn't know what else to do. I didn't wanna lose him. So I hoped that telling him would answer some of those lingering unanswered questions I had? Give me closure? Be a stepping stone in helping me move on? Long story short since this post is getting to be quite lengthy; it ended badly. This is another thing that makes me question it to this day. He wasn't angry or mean but he was acting so strangely. A few things he told me that hurt the most were he "couldn't feel the same" and that I had to get that through my head, that it would be "awkward for us" and how he didn't know how we could possibly move past it. It really stung for a while. I wanted to fight through it for our friendship but I made this decision that he didn't even want to do that himself. If he really cared about our friendship none of it would matter. At the time I didn't even take into account that he may have needed time to process it or that he said things he didn't mean.

    Time went on and our friendship slowly dwindled away. He would text me and I wouldn't respond and vice versa. Effort became less and less until there was no communication at all. We drifted apart. But life continued. I got my first boyfriend, lost some friends, and endured some pretty tough obstacles in my life. My boyfriend ended up breaking up with me. He was a jerk but again that's a whole other story. After this happened any self confidence I had disappeared. I felt so shitty, unwanted, and like no one could ever love me. It took some time but I pulled myself out of that hole and began to rebuild myself and put boys aside for a while. I'm going into my senior year and I'm ready to finish highschool on a good note.

    But the other day he came back. It was a party for a mutual friend and he found me, pulled me to the side, and said he was sorry for everything. He said he shouldn't have said half the things he said and that he felt like a jerk. He said he wanted to be my friend again and promised nothing like that would happen again. I was hesitant, but I decided to let him back into my life but started to regret it. That night at the party something weird happened AGAIN. Basically, he patted the seat next to him and put his arm around me while we all watching a movie. It was magical and sooooooo amazing but also heart wrenching and beyond confusing.

    I don't wanna straight up ask him if he has feelings for me because I'm afraid of the answer I don't wanna hear. I also don't wanna ruin what we just reformed. All that time I had really missed him. Despite all the bad I really missed my sweet, adorable, and super caring best friend. I have no plans to let him hurt me again but here's I'm where stuck. My feelings for him never left. I stil constantly think about those little moments and I wonder (it tears me apart). It makes me feel like a delusional piece of shit sometimes like why do I still have these thoughts? He has been acting differrently too. Him and his girlfriend broke up a while ago.

    What do I do? Am I a fool for even thinking to do anything else? I feel like I should just let it rest because I'm lucky enough to have him back in my life at any extent at all. That's not what my heart is telling me though. What is the next step? Do I try and pursue something, wait for something to happen, ask him how he feels???? I'm stuck. Or should I just stop and keep him as a friend? No matter what I do or who I like it's always him. I always go back to him. How I feel for him is really strong. I need advice. Please help. Thanks friends. ):
     
    #1 kingK, Aug 1, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2016
  2. KingJude

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    Wow. You're in a very difficult situation my friend, but there are people here for you.

    Firstly, as much as you can you need to try and move past your crush on him, even if it's just to give him space to work out what's going on for him. Being fixated on one relationship, on one person, isn't healthy. I know it's difficult, and much easier said than done, but you really should try your best to overcome these feelings for now. Don't ever surpress how you feel, but maybe just trying to take your mind off things for a while might be a good idea.

    Secondly, it sounds very likely to me that he has some sort of feelings towards you, but like I said, he probably needs to take his time to process these before you can assess the situation fully. What you might want to do, if you simply cannot move on from your feelings for him, and he continues to display such confusing behaviour, is ask him outright. There's no point in refusing to risk your friendship if it's causing you a great deal of emotional pain.

    In short:
    - Let him have space to work out his feelings
    - If he seems unable to work them out, or it's causing you too much hurt, then ask him, because you will have nothing to lose

    I know it's gonna work out for you guys, whatever happens. He's apologised once for how he acted and so I'm sure if you were to ask, he wouldn't act like he did before. Whatever happens, life goes on. Either you'll fall madly in love with each other and have a fantastic life, or you'll realise you're better as friends and fall madly in love with someone else, and having an equally fantastic life! (*hug*)
     
    #2 KingJude, Aug 1, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2016
  3. kingK

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    KingJude - Thank you so very much. I'll definitely try to just let it be for a while. I'm grateful at have him at all. I'll get around to asking him but to be honest I'm just really scared. He did make that promise to be but it's just nervewracking to think about bringing it up. We haven't really been talking about the past yet. But anyways, thanks for your input. I was really in need of a calm level-headed response so thanks again. (':