Age difference

Well, your relationship may be the exception, but as a general rule it's not well advised for very young people to enter into relationships with an age gap - even an age gap of a year or two can be significant. Why? Because most young people, right up to the age of 25-27 are still at a developmental stage and they are finding their way in life, while the older person is (or at least, should be) past all of that. It's for this reason that people raise eyebrows at the idea of a 19 year old dating a 40 year old.

All too often these relationships are doomed, due to the imbalance in maturity and power. It's not always apparent in the beginning, but at some point the strain is likely to tell and it will require a huge amount of patience and effort to move past the problems and avoid all of the hurt and pain.

As a 40 year old myself, I don't really understand the attraction to teenagers or 20 somethings, but I'm not making these comments out of malice or to be judgemental. I'm simply trying to acquaint you with the facts as we know them. Many people may wish to chime in and contradict me with anecdotal experiences of age gap relationships that worked out, but one or two examples of success does not amount to a body of evidence that the majority work out fine. I'm afraid they do not.

Ultimately, it is for the two of you to decide how to proceed and I hope it works out fine, whatever you decide, but please be aware of the risks.

 

Is there anything wrong with a 20 year age gap?

If you're adults, no. I mean, you'll have to be wary of how this might effect the relationship but two consenting adults in a healthy non-abusive relationship... I can't see any reason why this is wrong. Personally, I don't think I could be attracted to someone with that big of an age gap but hey, you never know. There could be that one person out there to prove me wrong. And yeah, I get where PatrickUK is coming from. People can change a lot around that age and through their 20's but I dunno I mean, if you're a 20 y/o in a relationship with another 20 y/o wouldn't it more or less be the same...? And there are people who are together at this age, who stay together later.
*also, some people change a lot, some people don't. if he's a mature sort of guy already, it's probably something less to worry about.


What do you tell people who criticize the relationship?

Tell them how you feel about your partner, simply that you love them. If they don't understand or continue to criticize what more can you do? ignore them. Love your partner. Support each other. It's for no one else to criticize or judge.

Just my thoughts, anyway

 

My partner and I have a 16 year age difference. Whereas he is 29 years old, and I am 45. There is much to be said about age gap differences when the younger party is below about 27 or 28 given the maturity gap that exists caused by the lack of life experience of the younger partner. I will let others chime in on that whom have a more educated and thoughtful view.

What did catch my attention on your post, is your experience with your boyfriend where he did show a level of maturity and understanding way beyond his age. And I am sure this is the "exception" that Patrick is referring to. If he continues to show such maturity, is grounded, and understanding, maybe the prospects for the exception are there.

I refer to this because it was a similar type of experience I had with my partner early on in our relationship. I was going through a difficult time early on after my break up from my wife. And in similar form, one night while we were driving to see his family, he showed a similar level of maturity, understanding and thoughtfulness when i was confronted with a family challenge relating to my separation.

When I had that "Can this actually work moment?", I had a pretty low level of self esteem and confidence and my emotional maturity at the time was probably even below where my then 27 year old partners emotional maturity was (putting aside what age might actually reflect sufficient life experience).

The challenge, assuming you do progress on your journey as you become more firmly planted after coming out and leaving your family, is that you might find your own emotional maturity might not only meet where he otherwise is, but may greatly surpass it. At which point, you might be in an emotionally imbalanced relationship.

From my own experience, as I gained my own emotional maturity, and built my self esteem and self confidence, I would find balance with my partner. But, and I hate to say this, he always seems to be just that one step ahead of me! And when I seem to progress, he too progresses.

Aside from emotional maturity, there are other things you need to take into consideration - work experience, family expectations (between you and your boyfriend) and other areas where a balance is critical for the relationship to foster and progress.

My partner and I continue to address such perceived imbalances with transparency, honesty and good intention. We have healthy discussions to find ways mutually acceptable to resolve perceived imbalance issues. And being completely honest with myself, he is typically the thoughtful one and constructive one to figuring out the right solution that is fair and appropriate for each of us.

All this said, I would proceed with extreme caution, and at the same time an open mind. Have patience. Not only with him, but for yourself as well. And good luck.

 

I think 20 years is a huge difference.

I even find guys at their late 20s immature most of the time. They learn, change and adapt to new things while growing. That instability is not healthy for a serious relationship... at least for me.

On the opposite site, older one might feel fed up with antiques of young partner. Can start to find them childish, immature or unable to fully understand grown up people's responsibilities. What seems easy to young people can be trouble for us... physically or emotionally.

In the end that is your life. You are both grown ups and can decide what is good for you. If you are brave enough to love each other despite that age gap you should be brave enough to face whatever society thinks of you, throws at you.

 

I don't think it's the age gap at all, as long as the younger of the two is at least into there Mid twenties. As Patrick said, and I've seen it time and time again, most people grow into adult hood around that time.

That being said, as long as it stays as a "relationship" and your both consenting adults, who am I to judge. But when rings are being handed out... And the marriage question starts being raised, that's where I will stand up. I truely believe there should be a restriction on marriages, something like 3 years together, 2 of which your living as a couple.

Everyone thinks, wishes, dreams that they are the exception but that's just not the case. The divorce rate is the perfect example, which it has skyrocketed as a result of everyone thinking that they found "the one".
Being the older one in the couple you need to be realistic, chances are he will grow up "more" then he has now and become more mature, if you are truly meant to be, a ring will change nothing absolutely nothing about your feelings toward each other, the only guaranteed thing it will do is make it harder to part ways down the road, if that's where this leads. (&&&)

 

I hope you have a thick skin, because you are going to get a lot of this, and it will be unavoidable.

In my case, I have nothing to criticize about you, since you're both over the age of consent and I would counsel myself that it is none of my business. Since you asked, I would say that you do have an uphill challenge. If I compare myself at 19 with myself at 40, I'd say it would be difficult to maintain enough in common to keep it together, were I in a similar situation.

But, in life there are exceptions to everything. It's always a good idea to keep that in mind, whenever we project our judgments onto the consensual behavior of others.

I wish you well. If you are a high-self-esteem individual who has above-average assertiveness, you'll have what it takes to deal with that public opinion. Otherwise, you'll experience problems.