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Fluctuating sexuality + long term relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by jellypool, Aug 4, 2016.

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  1. jellypool

    jellypool
    Regular Member

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    Hey everyone,

    I'm not sure how common this really is, I'm hoping some other people can tell me that I'm not alone!

    I'm a 24 y/o woman in a heterosexual relationship with a straight man and have been (mostly happily) for 4+ years. I've always been attracted to both women and men (I have identified as bisexual since I was about 14), but have only really pursued relationships with men... I have definitely been in love and infatuated with men, but I also suspect that my pursuit of those relationships was influenced by convenience and a previously held idea that the attention of men somehow meant I was "good enough" (of course, I now recognise that this is utterly ridiculous). I've never truly explored my attraction to women - with the exception of one online girlfriend when I was a teenager.

    Sex in my current relationship is very infrequent and has been for a few years - I often fail to be aroused in that situation and a big part of me suspects that, although I love my partner and I'm attracted to him romantically, this is possibly because I'm more sexually attracted to women. I've often found that my sexual and romantic attraction to men and women does fluctuate and ultimately I still love my partner, but I'm terrified of continuing to commit to a long term relationship when I'm constantly conflicted about my sexuality and the life I want to lead.. I'm feeling increasingly attracted to women (romantically and sexually) and less and less attracted to men.

    Has anybody else experienced a similar situation? Right now I honestly don't know what I'm going to do, but it would just be good to know that I'm not alone...
     
    #1 jellypool, Aug 4, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2016
  2. Gravity

    Gravity
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    I think there are two ways to approach this; first, that perhaps your attraction to women is emerging as more authentic in your sexual life, in which case you may not be compatible with this relationship anymore; and secondly, the perhaps the issue is less one of fluctuating sexuality exactly, and more one having to do simply with the problems you're facing in your current relationship.

    Of course, the second option is not to say that I think you shouldn't feel this way about your sexuality, or that you're wrong, or any other such confrontational thing. Your feelings - and, no doubt, confusion - on this front are totally valid and you have every right to continue exploring the subject as much as you see fit.

    But, in either case, it seems like you've reached an impasse in your current situation. Have you talked with your boyfriend about this, and if not, would you feel comfortable doing so?

    Also, are there factors other than sex that you think may be contributing to your reaction to this relationship? To put it another way, was the relationship different in some fundamental way when sex was more frequent (I'm assuming from your post that there was a time when this was the case)?
     
    #2 Gravity, Aug 5, 2016
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