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"Friend" doesn't get boundaries and she's kinda creepy

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by thepandaboss, Aug 5, 2016.

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  1. thepandaboss

    thepandaboss
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    I'm struggling with dealing with a friend who really doesn't understand boundaries.

    We'll call her Dana. Dana's known me since I was about 18. Early 30s, has a son. We used to belong to the same support group. Very flirty, very huggy. I'm not really comfortable with that kinda stuff but at first I let it slide because hey, she was in a relationship, I figured she did it with everyone.

    After her breakup, she got really attached. Started calling me all the time. She'd hug me super hard and got even flirtier. "Ooh I love making you blush. I bet I could turn you really red but my son's around...."

    Otherwise an okay friend although I never really see her outside of the context of the support group. She's always inviting me to dinner though or out. Even throughout all of her relationships over the past few years, she's still really flirty. Revealed to me she was poly amorous and "always looking for a third"

    And this is painfully embarrassing for me to admit but my ex actually solicited her for a threesome once she met him. Awkward, horrible experience. I gave in eventually even though I really didn't want to. And I faked enjoyment the whole time just so I'd get out of it. She even later admitted to me that she knew I was clearly uncomfortable ("your ex was two steps away from a rapist!") but she never said anything at the time.

    Dana just makes me feel uncomfortable every time I'm around her. And I can't always place my finger on it. She's an okay friend otherwise but I also can't remember the last time I didn't feel weird around her.

    I've done what I can to limit contact. I don't hang out with her outside the context of the support group, really. I even avoid events, especially if I'm with family or other friends, if I know she's there. Being around her's not only a reminder of unpleasant ex related experiences but she just doesn't get physical/social boundaries. No, I'm not comfortable being called a cutie or having my ass patted or being pulled into a bear hug (in a relationship maybe or with a really close friend but I still want some fair warning. Physical contact with people can squick me out if I'm not ready) or having someone call at 7 in the morning about how they met a girl and they're in love and I need to meet them and "approve of her" (yup, that literally happened) without even a quick text or a heads up.

    In fact, I almost just want to block her number but I actually feel guilty doing it even though I know I'm not even getting anything out of this friendship. Not that I should be "getting" things but I should at least feel comfortable around people, you know?

    Pointers?
     
    #1 thepandaboss, Aug 5, 2016
  2. heythere999

    heythere999
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    In my experience, people like that are almost always horrible, horrible, horrible news. You're doing the right thing by staying away from her as much as possible.
     
    #2 heythere999, Aug 6, 2016
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    This is one of those really difficult situations of someone who, no matter how hard you try, simply won't get subtlety.

    And I'm going to guess that confrontation and asking for what you need are things that don't come easy to you. (I totally get that as it is something I still work on.)

    Perhaps the best route here, if you can stomach it, is following one of Brené Brown's "mantras" that she says to herself in similar situations: "Choose discomfort over resentment." In other words... walk into the discomfort, and either directly tell her or perhaps send a text or email that is kind but firm.

    Maybe something like

    Of course, you'll have to adapt it to whatever you are comfortable with. One thing I can tell you is that people with no boundaries don't like it when others impose boundaries, and will do absolutely anything and everything to manipulate a way into violating your boundaries. And that's part of the reason for clarifying and setting absolutely unambiguous boundaries, and then maintaining them 100%. If you slip at all, she will drive a truck through the loophole.

    It is possible that after, say, a year, you might be able to relax them very slightly, but any sooner than that and she will likely go right back to the previous routine. It isn't your place to teach her boundaries, but it is your place to establish and maintain your own.
     
    #3 Chip, Aug 7, 2016
  4. YeahpIdk

    YeahpIdk
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    Bleh. You're uncomfortable because even reading this is making me uncomfortable. I agree with sentiments above: people like this are usually yuck-gross, and the only job you have is to have create your own boundaries.

    I think you should block this person. Don't feel bad about it. In person, be friendly to a limit, but do a slow fade and make it known that you're not interested in any communication with this person. From my own limited experience with someone who has a boundary issue, it's not usually a pretty picture. My person was more subtle and sly about it, but it's the same thing: creepy.

    People are expected to want hugs, but it's more than okay to decline it. Say you're sick. Say it repeatedly every time you see this person and she wants to hug/touch you. She should get the picture. I imagine it's a rough situation because of the past with her, but you have every right to slow fade out of what's going on. Don't be worried about upsetting this person. Your personal space and happiness is much more important.

    With some people I like to do this thing where I'm half joking and will put my arms out, spin around, and be like, "this is my personal space, no trespassing today." I give you permission to steal. You might look a little silly but it's okay. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 YeahpIdk, Aug 7, 2016
  5. love23cali

    love23cali
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    Every time she does something that makes you uncomfortable, you can simply say "Can you please stop?". It sounds like up until now, you've just gone along with it. She might think that you enjoy it or are simply shy about it. You have *not* exhausted all options.

    If someone said this to me, I'd really back off.
     
    #5 love23cali, Aug 7, 2016
  6. thepandaboss

    thepandaboss
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    Thanks everyone. It really helped. Just reading over my own post really homes it in. But I'm gonna say something next time I see her, which will probably be next week at the support group meeting.

    I've actually posted about that support group before- it's the one I got handed to run a while back. Well, she and her girlfriend took it over (believe me, glad to have it off my hands). So I'm probably going to leave that group for good too, just cause it's not worth the stress being associated even.
     
    #6 thepandaboss, Aug 7, 2016
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