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The Mystery of the Fading Friendship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Southpaw, Aug 7, 2016.

  1. Southpaw

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    Hey detectives! A close friend of mine appears to be phasing out our friendship and I can't work out why. Could there be more to it that I'm not seeing? I am sorry this is a long post !

    We met about a year ago and pretty much fell in as tight buds straight off the bat. We went travelling together during vacation with some other mutual acquaintances and our bond became one of trust and being able to share confidences. At times it did feel a little like we were a couple of sorts (but without the romance/physical attraction) in that we were usually together and he would often stand really close to me. For me I just thought it was a really deep friendship.

    We don't live in the same city but we agreed to keep in regular contact once vacation was over.

    I'm closeted bi/questioning/fluid, which he might suspect of me but he is straight as far as I know. He has a girlfriend although his social media profile shows him as interested in both men and women. That might just be a joke on his part although he follows a couple of high profile gay social media people. If I had to guess I'd say there's a slight hint he might be bi or questioning but it's really slight. I remember once on a trip we exchanged eye contact for a long, long time but I didn't think any more of it. We were just facing eachother on the subway. We held eye contact so long I got nervous and started talking about something random.

    I'm not attracted to him. It's just a deep friendship which we both acknowledged. He also told me several times how much he valued our relationship.

    On vacation we would often share a room and once or twice shared a bed but there was nothing to it. Just sharing a bed to sleep. Then during the trip one time we found one motel only had a double bed and a pull out bed, he decided to take the pull out even though it was obviously uncomfortable. I wondered if I'd given off signs he thought I liked him romantically and he was reacting to that as if to say "I'm not into you, dude". I know I hadn't, though as I just don't have those feelings for him.

    Anyways, the vacation was great although when we parted there was a look in his face I couldn't place. He looked serious and a bit distant which I had never seen before in his expression as he is usually all laid back or joking. Back home, we agreed to keep in touch regularly and traded messages on a daily basis for a while, sometimes late at night. A couple of times my messages went unread for days and when I checked if everything was OK he said yes - he had just "forgotten" to respond or something. That was the first red flag. He'd always responded promptly to me prior to that.

    Our contact resumed again as normal, on a daily basis I guess or at least regular, and then suddenly his girlfriend is back in town after being overseas with her job for three months. Our contact seems to stutter again. Messages go unanswered. I initiate contact again and when he does respond his reply is either super short, inviting zero response from me, or it's really long and full of details he is confiding in me. I know he was catching up with his girlfriend at this time but it really doesn't take twenty seconds to respond to a friend's message, right?

    Just recently a week went by without him responding. That's the longest ever gap since we've been close. I send him a quick "how are you?" and he responds apologetically and explains, again in great detail, about a personal issue. I offer support and confide in him about a personal issue of my own (which I had really wanted to talk to him about in the intervening two weeks but felt I couldn't call him because he wouldn't answer anymore)

    He asks some further questions of my own situation, showing that he cares presumably, and I respond in depth to his own situation, offering support and showing I care deeply about him and his situation.

    That was five days ago. He hasn't even read my message - unless he's done it in Airport Mode - and I know he has been on social media "liking" some fairly trivial or at least "light" content. So, he has the time to do that but not to even read, let alone respond, to a heartfelt message from me

    It seems so out of character of the person I thought was a great friend and trusted. We have never argued, quite the opposite, and our interactions by text have always been either supportive of one another or just joking about stuff we both find amusing. I'm at a loss to work out the problem and I feel like I'm grieving the loss of a friendship without knowing why.

    Any suggestions from the EC gang would be really welcomed.
     
  2. JonSomebody

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    Well, from what I've read about your situation with your friend, it could be possibly a mixture of feelings your friend is dealing with such as it seems to me that he may be dealing with his issues of sexual identity and a slight possibility that he may have feelings for you or he could be worried if he revealed his truth to you, would you still want to be his friend. To be honest with you, prior to coming out, I had wrestled a lot with my feelings for men and was in denial for a long time. I had a lot of straight friends that I had went throughout elementary to high school with and some I had even worked with at the same company. However, once I began to accept the fact that I may be gay, I did pull myself away from them by moving away from the old neighborhood without letting them know. I moved far away where I knew they would never visit the area. I felt this would be easy for me because I felt because of what I've known about each of them, it would have caused a lot of difficulty and disappointment for them to know about me at that time and especially coming from the neighborhood that we were raised in. So, in your case, this could be a something he is dealing with as well. Perhaps, you should send him a card or direct message confronting the issue with what you are feeling in regards to your friendship with him. This way, he will have no choice but to give you some sort of response and with that response, you should be able to know what's the status of your friendship instead of making assumptions. Good luck!!!
     
  3. Southpaw

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    Thank you for your suggestions and insight. Because of the subject matters of our last communications it really is quite unreal that he hasn't responded or even read my message.

    He has actually brought LGBT topics up recently. Mostly in the wake of Orlando. First time he ever did with me and he was very serious. I wondered if he was trying to tell me something about his own sexual indenting, or maybe he was testing my reaction as he suspected I'm closeted and wanted to show support etc.

    Ironically, had our communications continued as per our original back and forth I probably would have come out to him by now as at least questioning. And I would've reassured him that he didn't need to worry about my coming onto him. That our friendship was all that mattered.

    It's interesting what you say about pulling away from friends. I don't live near him and I'm pretty sure nearly all of his friends are straight. Maybe he feels that communicating with me is forcing him to deal with aspects of himself he doesn't want to or isn't ready to deal with.

    Then I wondered if he felt guilty that we'd been so close and were messaging eachother daily when his girlfriend was back on the scene. Did he figure we'd been having some kind of emotional affair or that I was fulfilling the emotional side of his absent girlfriend or even absent best friends from home?

    I probably will ask him soon where we stand as friends,when a little more time has passed but I can't right now.

    I truly adore this guy as a friend. He is the best friend I've ever had and that's why I couldn't stand to lose him so soon over apparently nothing.

    And if it was the unlikely scenario that he does have bi leanings then I'd love for him to be able to tell me that. And if that were the case and he did actually have feelings for me then I guess I could actually see me reciprocating in the right circumstances. But I respect his relationship with his girlfriend and that's why anything other than friendship has never been remotely in my thoughts.
     
  4. JonSomebody

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    I do agree with the fact that he used the Orlando tragedy as a way to test you as well as seeing if its okay to say what he really feels in regard to his sexuality. However, again, like I've mentioned before, many times, people such as your friend respond effectively when you reveal what's really in your heart as matter of speaking. Again, this is just my opinion but if I were you instead of assuming or guessing what is really going on in his head, I would just put it out there and hope for the best. I just feel at this point, you really don't have much to lose especially if you are feeling the friendship is fading. If you guys are really best friends then it should easy for you to talk openly about what's bothering you or to gain some kind of understanding in order to keep your friendship intact.
     
  5. mvp 447

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    I truly hope this doesn't offend you; I am really just making a suggestion for you to consider. Of course, you know your feelings better than anyone.

    When I read your initial post, I felt that the relationship you were describing was, for you, a romance. It wasn't anything overt, but the depth of the bond you shared and the amount of contact you had, the time you spent together, seemed, to me, atypical of a male friendship. I also noted the time/mental energy you had spent on thinking about why he cut off contact (to wit: checking if he had read your message, his other online activity). This, too, is more typical of a romantic relationship than a friendship. I definitely felt that I was on the right track when I read your second post, with the part I quoted above. I know you stated-repeatedly-this is not the case.

    Of course I could be totally wrong. You may have just shared an unusually close friendship, and losing that would naturally be very distressing. You can decide, but I wanted to suggest this for your consideration because if you do have feelings for him, he has almost certainly picked up on that and it could be a factor in his behavior. Either way. I hope he comes around and at least explains why he has stopped contacting you! As a rule, I always advocate as much honest and open communication as possible in a relationship.
     
  6. Southpaw

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    Thank you. I'm not offended at all and it is interesting to try to consider things from his possible point of view. Yes maybe he has realised our relationship is unusually close for two male friends (although I know from what he's said that he is probably equally close, maybe more, to two long time friends back home) and I have been forthcoming in telling him how important he is to my life. Then again he has responded the same.

    As for checking text messages etc; Up until recently we have always texted back and to so it is a very sudden change to this pattern. What hasn't changed is that his messages to me have been long and detailed and I do wonder if he was really trying to end things whether he would resort to single sentences.

    I know the advice seems to be "just ask him". I already asked him a while back if everything was ok, had I done something and he said no, he'd just not read the message. I'm worried if I keep asking that question I will come across as obsessed or something.

    I'd like to be able to say "I don't know if you're worried I'm into you as something other than a friend but you really don't need to worry. I'm only interested in our friendship." Problem is, what if I say that and it turns out he DOES have feelings ?
     
  7. Poppy43

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    I think it sounds like you are chasing him and you need to back off. If he is interested in you in any capacity he would be reading your messages.Trust me he would.
    Its blatantly obvious that you are interested in him more than a friend and he will have picked up on that. Let him decide what he wants to do and let him come to you.
     
  8. Southpaw

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    Hi thanks Poppy. That's an interesting theory but it doesn't ring true here. Our friendship has always been close but laid back. I can assure you I certainly am not interested in him as more than a friend (I'm currently slowly getting back with an ex, not that my friend knows about that or knows the person anyway). I do value him as the closest friend I've had for some time and that is it.

    He's the one to always send long messages in reply and they always show interest in our friendship and also show compassion. That's why I'm struggling to comprehend his stop start/avoidance.

    We are both going through some separate serious personal upheaval in our lives right now - and we had been messaging eachother for support and then it stops right after he asks me questions about how things are and after I've responded to him with a detailed message of support.

    So I'm afraid it's not as cut and dried as me chasing anybody. Our friendship has always been mutual and based on trust.

    I wonder if his girlfriend has accused him of spending too much time contacting me? (I don't know her, by the way, but he has previously confided in me about some issues they've had). To be honest I don't see how anyone could view us as being in contact too much. At the most we exchanged messages for about twenty minutes once in the last two months. At the outset we were in contact once a day or every other day and then more recently two or three times a week. Neither of us has been bombarding the other.
     
  9. cakepiecookie

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    Hmm. It's totally possible he's just distracted with something unrelated, but it does sound like there might be something up. To me, his behaviour suggests that he's questioning himself. Who knows though.

    I agree about him probably not having feelings for you. When you have a crush on someone, it's pretty much impossible to ignore them and not respond.

    I'd give him some space and leave the ball his court to re-initiate communication. If he's still being distant in a few weeks from now, I'd try one last time to ask him what was going on. And then I'd leave him alone completely. It sucks, but there's no point in trying to get a response out of someone who's made it clear that they don't want to talk.

    Best of luck to you. I hope it all works out.
     
  10. Southpaw

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    Thanks CPC for your suggestions and best wishes.

    I'd be fine if he didn't have "feelings" for me but I would be completely understanding if he did and I would talk about it to find a way to move forward as friends. I just want us to get back to being close the way we were.

    I am at a total loss to explain his shut down in communication as, believe me, the subject of our of very last couple of emails definitely warranted responses on both sides. Frankly, it's the sort of thing most people would actually call eachother on the phone to discuss. I didn't do that because I wanted to give him some space and I get the feeling he wouldn't actually answer my call anyway. Seems a far cry from a few weeks back when we told eachother we'd always be there when it mattered.

    I guess as you suggest I will just have to wait it out and I will try one last time then. The problem is, by addressing the situation am I going to appear as if I'm making a big deal out of it (well, I guess it is a big deal to have one of your best friends shut you out for no reason) and that could make him even more distant? But I guess I've got no choice.

    I just feel so dumb having confided personal things in this guy - well, both of us confided in eachother I guess - and invested my trust in him to suddenly have to consider whether our friendship meant anything to him at all. If it didn't then I don't know how I'll get over the whole thing being a lie on his part and the awful feeling of being betrayed.
     
  11. mvp 447

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    Don't feel stupid, bud. The complexities of human pair bonding is very complex but I strongly believe it's that much more difficult to explain with men. My wife wrote one of the replies earlier, but here's my hunch; I think he felt maybe that you guys were getting too close and did pull back a bit. That's just a hunch from reading it though.

    Also, it's what I'd personally do in his situation, potentially.