Hope I put this in the right place. I would really value some advice,please. I've been having a big problem with getting people to understand who I am. I feel like they never really look past my initial impression. It's worth mentioning that I used to be a bit of a shut-in so a lot of people's behavior is still mind-blowing to me. The amount of stereotyping & lack of understanding (among other things) in even largely nicer people is really getting me down. When I try to explain more about myself a lot of times it's met with puzzled looks that bring to mind a dog when they tilt their head. I sometimes wonder if they aren't understanding because I'm not being patient & thorough enough or if some people just aren't capable or willing to understand. Friends who I've invested years into getting to know still seem very perplexed by me. *sigh* Ranting aside I'll get onto my personal specifics. Hopefully someone here will understand the explanation I'm about to give. I am very tall & pretty obviously male irl, something people often seem excited to tell me as if I didn't notice. But I've always had a pretty distinctly "female" personality. I don't like to label things that way , but that's another rant.. With those things said I've always identified as male too. It's only really been out of a deep-seeded need to prove that I'm serious about who I am that my gender has been called into question as much as it has. I don't understand why it's so hard for people to imagine a man who wants to remain a man but is genuinely proud of his femininity. People keep trying to drag me into stereotypical guy behavior,no matter how many times I state my boundaries. My perception of genders seems to have absolutely no place in the outside world. It's gotten to where the combined experience of how my friends & a few of my exs have treated me that I have a fairly allergic reaction to anything associated with "guys". Even thing I used to be cool with like being called a "man" makes me angry. Sometimes I lay down & cry,just thinking about how much better it would be if I was really a female. But I like my body the way it is. I shouldn't have to go to such extremes just to prove a dang point should I? It's like everything I take pride in is seen as "bad" & people keep trying not to offend me by avoid those things. But if I outright tell you "stop treating me that way" & even explain it, why would they insist on doing things the way they do with everyone else? Are some people simply unable to change or adapt to another person? I feel like even other gay people can't wrap their head around it. I'm one of the only (if not the only) person I've ever known to wish I had a "gay voice/lisp" even though I don't. Maybe part of the problem is because I'm uncompromising in someways? I always hated how deep my voice is but I refuse to change it cuz I shouldn't have to. Probably my biggest source of arguments is about my height though. I usually try to play off my insecurities as being vain but it's a bit deeper than that. It's hard for me to talk about but I'm at least 6'6 (feet) (I stopped measuring before I was done growing though because it made me sad) & the real reason it hurts is because I in all of my fantasies of being in a relationship, I want be able to put my head on my partner's chest - I want to be held at night & have his chin over my shoulder...there's more but I won't go there. It breaks my heart a little because it limits me SO much. Even if my dating pool wasn't already a small chunk of smaller chunk of a minority - even if I had the whole human population to work with - expecting someone to be taller than me seems like a lot to ask for... - But I digress - People refuse to see it as bad. Because a lot of them want to be taller. I can't explain enough that height is neither good nor bad. Only right or wrong for the individual's lifestyle. I genuinely feel bad for people who tell me they want to be tall enough to make a basketball team or something like that. When anything stands between someone & their dream I feel bad & want to comfort them. But I never get the same support back. Why? I always get bitter & hurtful remarks ranging from an innocent "You don't want to be tall?!- but it's great! You can do anything!" to a more serious "You don't get to complain! Being short is horrible!" I don't do that to them...If anything I'm the first person to offer my condolences & try to cheer them up. But !@#$ me for being tall I guess... Apparently I'm just expected to suck it up & act like it makes be happy so they can live through me - Well - it isn't your life- it's mine. I can't choose to not be tall but I can !@#$ well choose to not like being tall & people trying to tell me it's awesome are just rubbing salt in the wound. My one most supportive friend understands at least enough to try to "make it better", justifying how it could be good for me specifically. But I just don't want people to mention it. Nothing will make it not hurt. I don't expect people to walk on egg-shells when it's relevant. If someone says "hey I can't reach this shelf,can you give me hand?" I'm not gonna be that jerk who retaliates. Of course I'd help - I'd do it with a smile because that's different - I'm helping a friend. But what I'm sick of is people who literally still look at me & say "!@#$, your tall" as if they never noticed after 3 years of knowing me. I know they noticed before because they make a point of telling me about it at length every time. Apparently it's a fascinating subject to other people. A lot of the time I don't even get introductions or even hellos. I get "!@#$, your tall!". I'm to a point where I want to start pulling an angry dad-joke & respond with "No,I'm actually not 'Tall' my name is <insert real name>" It's SOooo many little things like that everyday. I'm expected to fart at people & laugh like it's new. Drink until I'm wasted or yell for my local sports-ball team or whatever. How is it even my nerdiest friends treat me this way? I struggled so long I've been wondering if I just need to accept that the outside world has different social structures than I expected & that the only way to be treated right is to tell people I identify as another gender. For the record I've done so & it' the only thing that's ever helped much but it feels weird. The more I think about it - I'm not even sure what I want to be. I have always envisioned my future self as a "guy" but if anything my already feminine tastes are going to a further extreme lately, partly because of all of this & partly for better reasons. That's another story but i'll touch on it lightly. Basically I started meeting some people who identifies as non-binary & the more I learned to accept them the more I learned to accept things about myself. It made me realize I was still limiting myself a lot by doing things like seeing cute clothes in the woman's section of stores & instead of admiring it as it was I would just get mad that they "don't make it for men". So...Idk. I guess that might make me a cis-gendered crossdresser? Sadly that last question is not rhetorical - I'm actually asking - is that what you'd call my behavior? It's weird- on another note, rarely people who talk to me without knowing my gender (like when on websites that don't display that info) seem to guess that i'd be a tomboyish woman. The weird thing is,anymore that's the only reception I've been glade to get a lot of the time. I don't want to be a stereotypical "guy". I don't want to be a sterotypical "woman" either, really. I just want to be me & I feel like that's as close as anyone gets to understanding it. I've thought about being gender-fluid a few times. I knew someone online who acted similar to me & that's what they were but I'm still not fully convinced. Maybe I'm just looking too hard for easy answers...Maybe there isn't a label for people like me? So please....If anyone actually managed to read all of that (1st of all thank you) pleease tell me what you think - or ask me more questions if you need to. I'm always up to try to explain it more to anyone who will listen. I only get tired of people asking when they don't actually seem to care that much.
First of all, I can see the obvious disadvantages of being that tall and the friends who think you should ''suck it up'' are not being fair here. I'm personally 5'5 and while I wish I was taller (I would like to be the taller partner in a relationship), I learned to appreciate my height since there are so many guys who are short as well. Then, for your gender issues, you don't have to force a label on yourself. You can experiment with identities to see which one fits you best if you like. On the internet, you could say you identify as genderfluid, genderqueer or simply female and see how you feel about that. You can also try new names. It's pretty nice to have that opportunity with the anonymity of the internet. You can also try it with friends you trust. ''I'm questioning my gender and I wondered if you would mind trying x pronouns/x name to refer to me today'' Since the internet and reality are quite different, you could see how you feel about it in real life. As for your gender expression, you can always try some female clothing at home and see how you feel in it. Just remember that you can be a guy who likes female clothing/female mannerisms. Finally, take your time to see what feels best
Aw,thank you. I'm happy to see that someone understands & thanks for hearing out my long winded rant. =') I'll try some of those things. Sadly,I don't have my own room right now so home really isn't an option for me but I've been thinking maybe I'd just go try on stuff at a store. ^^;; Is there an upvote button? lol
Regarding people constantly commenting on your height, I really liked this line from a game of thrones that I read recently. Being tall, 'oversized' and a bit uncommon-looking myself, it felt kind of profound when I read it. “Would you rather be called the Imp? Let them see that their words can cut you and you’ll never be free of the mockery. If they want to give you a name, take it make it your own. Then they can’t hurt you with it anymore.” Tyrion Lannister. Regarding your experience with people finding the way you articulate your thoughts and feelings difficult to understand. Not to minimise your difficulty, but everyone experiences that to varying extents. Pretend that you enjoy scuba diving and you're talking about it with someone who doesn't like or is afraid of swimming or the ocean. No matter how you put it, there's no way they're going to understand your enthusiasm or the terminology that you use because they basically don't understand it AND they don't want to understand it. They're often just listening to be polite and/or waiting for their turn to speak. Regarding getting offended or hurt by the things that other people say or the way they say them, I can only offer you one of the most useful pieces of advice I've ever received. Don't take ANYTHING personally No matter what others say, they're playing out their own stories. Their opinions and judgements are based on their history, their upbringing and their education (or lack of) and have nothing to do with you and who you are. Regardless of whether or not their intention is to hurt you, only you can allow those opinions and judgements to infect your own mind. If you can't be yourself, who can you be? If you can't trust yourself, who can you trust?
Easier said than done but your not entirely wrong. That's a good mentality to have about people giving you grief in general,really. I guess the part that bothers me about that is that it's coming from friends- I always felt that a good friend is someone who you can turn to, to get away from the harsh realities out there. I didn't think it was too much to expect someone who claims to care about you to go the extra mile to be nice. As for the part about communicating I actually owe you a big thanks. The metaphor helped a bit & I'm definitely the kinda person who copes better when I at least understand why things are happening. Also I mean absolutely no disrespect but I wanted to point out that the second line of your signature is missing a "who". (kinda funny when you think about it.xD ) It just says "because those mind don't matter". Good quote though & thank you again for replying. ^-^
Haha thanks for pointing it out. I'm usually quite meticulous with my typing and don't know how it has been sitting like that for months and I never noticed!
Np,lol. You struck me as someone who would feel that way, so I figured I'd better say something. xD I only noticed it myself because the quote has a rhythm to it.
