Being a Neat Freak

Ah, here is where the "c" word (as in compromise) will need to be pressed into service!

You are neat, he ain't. So first, talk about it calmly, then it would help both of you to try to see the value of each other's proclivities (everything we do has some kind of reward, which may not be obvious to the other): he may be one of the un-neat, but he has time and energy for beautiful things like sunrises...you, on the other hand, enjoy how easy it is to tidy up because you don't waste time deciding where things should go, there is a place for everything and putting them there is duck soup! It is a fact that we are only capable of a limited number of decisions in a day, the fewer then, the better.

Here is the compromise part: After you both appreciate each other's preferences, why not work out which areas can be kept less-than-perfect and which areas should be kept neat? For example, my kitchen is kept organized, because when I cook, I don't like wasting time looking for my cooking implements, and when I do the dishes, putting things away is easy (duck soup!). So, for example, if he drops his clothes wherever, get him to just put them on a chair (preferably out of your sight), no need to fold, hang or whatever, but at least it's not on the floor, and he might appreciate that when's he's looking for his shorts, they'll be in that pile (regardless of how cringe-worthy it may be to you).

My bedroom, on the other hand...well, let's just say I keep it clean...that pile of books on my "night-table" (Grampa's old trunk) may look messy, but I know that the books at the top are the ones I am currently reading, so in a sense, they are in a kind of dynamic situation that is easily found and easily put away. In a sense, items strewn about can serve as visual reminders of what I have to take care of, my place becomes a kind of huge mnemonic.

Getting things organized is a huge investment in energy, both in its implementation and maintenance; it can be exhausting. I agree that some things worth doing are worth doing well, but other things can just be good enough. I guess the test is: does it serve the purpose? If so, let it go.

 

There is a book on this very subject, it's called A Perfect Mess by Eric Abrahamson & David Freedman. The sub-title describes the book:

 

This goes to a very important aspect of relationships, and is worth discussing.

Most of the frustrations between people, let alone partners, is the following complaint: "Why can't you be more like me?!".

It is well-known, or ought to be, that any hope of changing one's significant other in any significant way is an exercise in utter futility...but here you are, living together; there is a relationship between you, it's almost like a third entity, isn't it? The relationship is something that you are both committed to, it is your common project and binds you together in ways you may not appreciate.

I read somewhere that there is a simple formula for never, ever being frustrated by our friends, it goes somewhat like this example: your friend, George, is amazingly funny, you love his offbeat sense of humour, but man is it ever difficult for him to ever be on time when you get together! You know this about George, it's never going to change, but you value the laughs he provides, so you make allowances for the sake of your friendship. You know he's always late, but he does show up eventually, so schedule things a little earlier, or find other ways to facilitate his being on time, like arranging to have someone pick him up.

This is not to say that George shouldn't make an effort. If you arrange to have George picked up, he should appreciate that effort and be on time for the pickup. Do you see the dynamic? You are both meeting each other half-way!

How much more so in relationships! Successful long-term relationships seem to have this one overarching characteristic: they know their SO will likely not change, they know that there will be issues between them that will likely never be resolved, and yet, they remain together, because there is something in the other that they value above all else, and both compromise for the sake of the relationship.

The hard "work" of relationships is not about changing the other, but rather about understanding the source of our frustrations. Dr. Gabor Maté, a Vancouver-based physician and specialist in addictions, among other things, has been married for decades. He recounted a story about his wife forgetting to pick him up at the airport (she is an artist and simply got carried away in her work). His immediate reaction was anger and frustration, but he stepped back from this negative emotion to try to understand where it was coming from, and he concluded that it was related to childhood abandonment issues. He turned justifiable anger into an occasion to understand himself, and in the process, made an effort to preserve their long-lasting relationship, because that is in the end the most important thing.

I've read somewhere that loving relationships are not about both partners looking at each other, but that both are looking in the same direction. Why not join him as he watches the sun rise, shoulder to shoulder, to fall in love all over again....

 

It's one of the hot issues with my husband too. He is very neat and tidy, but I'm not. I can tolerate mess and disorder... up to a point, but it's a point that is well beyond my husband's threshold of tolerance and we've had a number of 'animated conversations' about it over the years.

I think compromise is the key word. I think it's possible to be neat, clean and tidy without being utterly regimented. If you have a specific drawer for the socks and boxer shorts, well okay, I guess, but don't insist on the socks and boxer shorts being pressed, folded to perfection and colour matched too, because that's rather uncompromising. In the grand scheme of things it's not that important either.

I know that I need to do better for my husband's sake and I totally get the reasoning behind neat, clean and tidy, but he also knows that I'm never going to do it all his way. Even with the awareness we still have moments where the irritation spills over. Ces't la vie! I think we have enough between us to get beyond the irritation and I'm sure the same in true for you OTH.

 

I find you two simply adorable (and properly closeted)!

 

Neatness was an argument my partner and I had every single day. She was the type where everything about the house had to be perfect (and mind you, we lived in a studio apartment in Hell's Kitchen...cleaning to me should have taken an hour at the most on a Saturday, but she would say that I just see the surface chores and ignore the deeper cleaning and organizing that is meant to take up our ENTIRE DAY). We had plenty of fights, as you know, but her OCD-level neatness versus my desire to not spend a day off cleaning became a huge fight all the time.

I mean, she is at the level where if she had a training session scheduled and paid for at the gym, but there's chores that "need" to be done (like, clothes to put away, a dish or two to wash, etc) she will sacrifice the training session and the money to get those things done instead. In my mind, those things can wait! They're not the end of the world.

Okay, I'm going to stop talking about it, as I'm feeling a little PTSD recalling those fights, haha.

 

Part of loving someone is respecting who they are, as they are, but also respecting (and supporting) who they hope to become. Any change must come from the person willing to change, which presumably would arise from the person willingly taking the necessary steps to honour the relationship, for the sake of the relationship. In that instance, the partner's support and encouragement become important.

One hopes that with time, the messy side of the room, and the neat side of the room will sort of blend together...or not...then to each the closet of their choice!

 

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

 

Although great advice above on the nature of relationships in general, I'd like to say that in this particular case, I would expect more from your boyfriend if I were in your shoes. It seems that you are not that over the top like the person in cameoutswinging's anecdote. Basic hygiene and cleanliness is an important factor especially in a healthy relationship. If clothes are everywhere and kitchen is a mess all the time, then that cannot be justified as "someone who enjoys the sunrise than putting things in its place". If it's just about not cleaning up when busy, or not as well organized as you, that's another thing. But I think he needs to make an effort to meet a basic standard for sharing the same space with another person. This is just a common sense as an adult, in my opinion. It's hard to say though, as I'm not sure of the extent of your expectations and his uncleanliness.

 

Ah, well if you come home and the bed is made that's not bad at all! I suppose then it is the way you two communicate that's important. I think respecting each others' needs proactively is the key. I think it is totally acceptable to ask your boyfriend to tidy up now for whatever reason, and I think it's also acceptable for him to refuse. It just depends on the situation, and more importantly, how much you are being mindful of the other person's situation and perspective. If it was absolutely necessary for you to have your boyfriend clean up that moment, then you should try to express that clearly to him, and he should be able to accomodate it. However, similarly, if your boyfriend had to prioritize something else over cleaning up, then he should communicate that to you in a way that you can relate. The worst is if this becomes an issue of territory and rights, and you both want to say no just because you feel like you should be able to.

Also, does he have his own room? I would say that he can be as messy as he likes in his own area, but if you're sharing a space, then it's respectful to clean. And separating the same room into halves doesn't constitute having your own area...