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Confused boyfriend broke up with me.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bubbyiooooo27, Aug 10, 2016.

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  1. bubbyiooooo27

    bubbyiooooo27
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    So I was dating a guy for about 3 months, until the night I came back from vacation two days ago. He had just come back from vacation too, and called me to say he didn't want a relationship anymore. It was so sudden because he was always so loving, affectionate, and the best to me.
    He told me he was confused about his sexuality, the "rush" of first love finally hit him, he always had dreams of having a wife and kids, he suddenly didn't have an urge to talk to me the past couple of days, and he felt pressured to date me. I was so broken and blindsided by it. I will say though, I was the person that led him to his realization that he had to come to terms of being gay, and everything happened quite quickly (lost our virginity after 2 months and had an insanely high sex drive. Always wanted to try new things and go on many romantic dates) but he seemed more than ready to jump into a relationship with me because he "always liked me as more than just a friend."
    Even before we dated, he always made sure I was okay, he always knew when I was mad, upset, distraught, and did whatever he could to make me feel better. After I first told him I liked him, he initially told me "We can still be friends." Not a direct no.. but for a week everyday after THAT he would text, Snapchat, and call me every day until 3 am, until he finally told me he has had feelings for me as more than a friend, he just needed to come to terms with it. He told me he never had feelings for the girls he dated, and he'd only feel aroused by men his entire life, never feeling a single thing from women (even straight porn).
    He did grow quite clingy, always wanting to call, text or Skype every minute we were apart once we started dating. Constantly stubborn, but I didn't mind.
    Adding to his conflict and confusion, his mother supported him coming out, but hated the fact that he was in a serious relationship and took away time from her. His dad told him he'd do everything in his power to prevent his son from having a gay relationship, and "set him back on the right track." I have no clue what to do, I still have to see him a lot throughout my senior year, and I don't wish to speak with him right now. He said on the phone call that he's no longer attracted to me and that there's no chance of us getting back together. He feels "right" to end it. I just don't understand. Any advice?
     
    #1 bubbyiooooo27, Aug 10, 2016
  2. Grounded Eagle

    Grounded Eagle
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    I'm sorry you're going through this! I can't imagine how much that must hurt. :icon_redf I'd venture to say that he's giving way to the emotional backlash from his family. It's easier to convince yourself it was just a phase than to take a definitive stand against two of the most influential people in your life and risk losing them. I say this because I've finally done just that--taken my stand--and it was painful. I think your boyfriend needs to realize on his own that if he always bows to his parents' will, he'll never be happy.
     
    #2 Grounded Eagle, Aug 11, 2016
  3. bubbyiooooo27

    bubbyiooooo27
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    Update: This is a text he sent me.
    "Well I started to feel guilty and disgusted with myself for dating a guy which caused me to be repulsive towards you. I felt forced to put in effort to maintain a relationship which I didn't want; I didn't feel like I was myself anymore."
     
    #3 bubbyiooooo27, Aug 13, 2016
  4. yuanzi

    yuanzi
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    You deserve someone better. Just let this one go. If he is truly gay but decides to lead a fake life anyway, it is not your problem to fix him. If he is 'straight and confused', well better break up now than 3 years down the road.

    I had a somewhat similar experience with my first crush in college although we never dated. She seemed incredibly open-minded until I told her I liked her. Then she turned into the biggest homophobe overnight and said she was disgusted and wanted nothing to do with me. Her loss. Not mine.
     
    #4 yuanzi, Aug 13, 2016
  5. faustian1

    faustian1
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    Yes it is true what yuanzi wrote, that you deserve better.

    But this is a sadly troubled young man. I think you may have to just let him have his delusion, and try to be understanding. The problem with this is that you, also, are very attached to him and now he doesn't express a desire for that attachment. Perhaps you could express to him that you understand he is under a lot of pressure, both external and internal. However, to simply quit communicating would put to waste a lot of understanding. Let him know that you are disappointed, but that you don't intend to be irrational about it. Also let him know that you value his friendship, and hope that he is willing to continue being a friend. Tell him you respect his decision, even if you know it's not really 100% his decision.

    He wrote to you, "Well I started to feel guilty and disgusted with myself for dating a guy which caused me to be repulsive towards you. I felt forced to put in effort to maintain a relationship which I didn't want; I didn't feel like I was myself anymore." As undiplomatic as that sounds, it has the air of a truthful statement, doesn't it? If there is an excuse in there (being "forced"), it is offset by the admission that he's disgusted with himself.

    For you personally, it is going to be very sad for you to let go of this relationship. I think he most likely eventually regret caving in to others' expectations of what he should be, but I'm quite sure you may be the last to know this. Please try to make additional friends, even as you try to take the advice here and from the others who have responded. And try to remember, if you once were in a place of uncertainty and confusion like this, what it was like. It will perhaps let you have a little less hurt and anger at this rejection.
     
    #5 faustian1, Aug 13, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2016
  6. mvp 447

    mvp 447
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    He obviously is still having trouble coming to terms with what he really is. You're better off without him at this point, sorry b/c I'm sure that is tough to take but don't ever allow yourself to be treated like that!
     
    #6 mvp 447, Aug 13, 2016
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