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Tips for dealing with rejection?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by hillwanderer, Aug 11, 2016.

  1. hillwanderer

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    So I went out with this girl a few times. It was going really well. We had deep conversations and held hands and she really seemed to like me a lot. She used to text me all the time about random things, and we'd make plans to go out again, etc. So about a week ago she suddenly stopped contacting me. She cancelled plans that we had made without apologizing or suggesting doing something else. Finally, after racking my brain trying to figure out if I did something to make her hate me, today I just asked her how she felt about going out again, because I needed closure, and she said we could hang out as friends. Ouch. I have no idea what caused her to do a complete 180, but it hurts because I've only recently realized I'm a lesbian, and she was the first girl I ever went out with. Maybe I'm taking it too hard, but I'm not used to putting myself out there and making it known that I like someone only for them to completely change how they feel about me. At first it felt like somebody poured cold water on me, like a shock that made my entire body feel uncomfortable. Then of course there's the temptation to just say "screw you" and completely cut them off. Does anyone have tips for dealing with rejection? In the past I've had a couple of other similar situations (but not as bad because I didn't actually tell the person I liked them), and the only thing that definitely works is time passing. Any other ideas besides that?
     
  2. greatwhale

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    I have had this happen to me more often than I care to admit.

    This is where a bit of clear-eyed stoicism helps. Simply ask yourself the following question: Is her attraction, or interest in me something that I can control, or in any way influence? If, after suitable reflection and with a cool head, you conclude logically that the answer to that question is no, then the next step is to decide, with intention, that there is no point in getting upset, or more importantly, having this experience taint your future potential relationships. Remember always that you may have to go through a lot of disappointment before finding someone who is right for you, take it as a numbers game, high-stakes for sure, but stepping back a little to get an objective look at what it takes to find someone can really help with the pain.

    Do take from this experience one essential thing: pride in making yourself vulnerable. You did indeed engage in "putting myself out there and making it known that I like someone". Good for you! It is more important than ever that you never retreat from expressing how you feel about someone. The best that can be said about this experience is that you now understand viscerally what being vulnerable actually means, it is no longer theoretical.

    Congratulate yourself for having the courage to love, never mind whether or not it has been reciprocated, people are complicated creatures, there is no real knowing what goes on inside, but you opened your heart, and that is all that matters!
     
    #2 greatwhale, Aug 11, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2016
  3. resu

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    ^Some great advice.

    I would say to always think of lessons learned. Every time you date is more experience for you to know what you like and don't like in a potential partner. Also, you don't havebto befriend her immediately. You are hurt and reserve the right to have genuine friendships, not consolation prizes. So, refrain from judging her or yourself. What is done is done, and you have to stay in the present. Keep focusing on your own personal self-development. You know where you can improve your own behavior (maybe trying out some hobby, art, craft, sport, music, etc.) that shows you can cultivate happiness even while single. Eventually, you will get to a point where you couldn't care less about your relationship status, and that will also be when you find a woman at a similar stage in life who will say yes.
     
  4. WhiteShadows

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    I feel for you, kind of gone through a rejection recently from a guy :frowning2:
    I think you did the right thing by expressing that you liked her. From my experience, it's always better to let the person know as early as possible. In terms of dealing with it, just remember that you will always be able to meet new people. Try and distract yourself by spending time with friends or doing new things.

    I hope you feel better soon (*hug*)
     
  5. hillwanderer

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    Thanks so much for the advice, guys! I actually feel a lot better about this already, and I rarely think about it unless I see her on social media or something. Maybe I overestimated how much it would bother me. :sunglasses: But I'm still a little annoyed at the way she handled the situation. Maybe I'm wrong here (and I know this is still going to sound like sour grapes) but I feel like if you have told someone that you really like them, and they feel the same, you owe them an explanation if you suddenly change your mind, you know? Don't just start acting weird and leave them wondering if they did something wrong. Even alluding to the problem ("we're at different stages in life"/"we want different things in a relationship"/etc) would've been a big improvement on saying nothing.
     
    #5 hillwanderer, Aug 13, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2016
  6. resu

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    Maya Angelou has a great quote: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

    The girl you dated made you feel used, which is wrong and has no good excuse. Unfortunately, with social media and online dating, "ghosting" is a serious issue, and the people who do it are actually demonstrating extreme avoidance of the unpleasant nature of rejection. However, they fail to realize that the anxiety of letting someone down is exaggerated.

    Most people know that the point of dating is that it is not permanent: people learn about each other and realize they aren't as good matches as they assumed. Those who have emotional maturity will admit things aren't working and move on.

    Again, try not to overthink why she did what she did because no one is a mindreader. Ghosting works primarily through social and digital media: it's harder to just ignore someone you see face-to-face.