1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Sesshomaru, Aug 11, 2016.

  1. Sesshomaru

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Messages:
    156
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    My bf and I have been together for about 8 months now. We dated once before for the entirety of 2014 and it ended after he left me for his ex before me. After splitting for a year and a half and having moved in together during the time we weren't dating (he moved me out of a very bad living situation with my mom), we decided to give it another go after he began developing feelings again and swore to make things right.

    So after about 8 months now of being together it seems like we're entering the same situation as before. His ex is becoming a bit too close again for my comfort even after my bf has sat him down and told him that he and I are back together again and after tonight it's really starting to bother me. I got off work early today and made it home before the time he was supposed to be here by about 2 hours. Well he didn't show up at home until about 4 hours after that. When he arrived he was shocked to see me and I asked where he'd been he said he'd gone to see the new Bourne movie...with his ex. Mind you they have kept a decent friendship going throughout the entire thing which I was okay with putting up with as I would never want him to feel like he's forced to cut off one of his closest friends because me, and because they also work together and carpool in the morning, but at the same time he knew not only was that a movie I wanted to go see with him but that it would upset me. We also have a puppy together that I know he would be able to give her a better home than I can as he makes more money and the place we live in is his. I really don't want to leave my puppy behind though. I just don't know what to do. I honestly do want to be with him. We've even been looking for a house together for the past few months. At the same time I refuse to be put back into this whole love triangle mess. We've had quite a few talks about it and things go good for a few weeks/months and then we're back to square one all over again.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Seems like you should have a discussion with him and express your concerns about his relationship In a very calm and considerate way. Maybe set some ground rules about what would help you be comfortable with the relationship: advance notice when your getting together, open communication when he does, no sex, etc.

    Your desire to want to leave is being perpetuated by the anxiety the relationship with his ex is causing you. If you and he can find common ground, and eliminate that anxiety, you might find the desire to break up gets eliminated.

    Now, you probably really just want him to end the relationship. However, I would warn against that. It can create animosity which could fester into resentment from him. Which is a no win situation as well. In any relationship, independence is important, and this is a way for him to have some independence.

    Strong relationships are based in trust and transparency while also allowing for the right amount of independence between each other. If you can establish this proper foundation with him, you might find it can work out.
     
  3. Sesshomaru

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Messages:
    156
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    We've been working at having these conversations clear ground rules about what's okay and what isn't for the past few months. And while it goes okay for a few weeks or a month or so it seems like we just keep ending back up in this situation again because he does something like this and it really upsets me.
     
  4. Chiroptera

    Admin Team Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,504
    Likes Received:
    1,383
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Honestly, if you already had that conversation with him and things continue to happen again and again, it is probably time to split up.

    If he knows you are bothered by his relationship with his ex, and still he went out with him/her without even telling you, then this is a red flag for the relationship. Of course, everyone deserves privacy, but if he was trying to hide it (you said he was surprised to see you at home), then it is not ok.

    If you already sat down with him and had a conversation about this more than once, then you need to consider that it is unlikely that he will change his behavior. Like you said, in more than 1 year, these things are happening multiple times, right?

    If this happened once, or even twice, then maybe it was worth to have a conversation. But, apparently, you already split up once, and these things keep happening, and his behavior isn't changing. You need to ask yourself if maintaining the relationship is still worth it. I'm not saying you need to break up, but, judging by what you said, the relationship isn't being healthy for you, and it doesn't look like he will change his behavior. You need to think about this.
     
  5. HuskyLover

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2016
    Messages:
    269
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Scandinavia
    Personally, if I were to break up with a guy because of him being unfaithful/going back to an ex (or similar), I would NEVER choose to get him back. In most cases, if someone is able to be unfaithful/choose someone else over you once, they are more than able to do it again (and in most cases, they will).

    Another thing that bothers me here is that he doesn't seem to respect you. I agree with what has been said by others already. I'm sure you can get better than him. If I were you, I'd have a long conversation with him and break up with him for good (I'm not saying this is what you should do, just saying what I would have done in your situation).

    Think carefully about what you do. I wish you the best of luck!
     
    #5 HuskyLover, Aug 12, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2016