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In some pain over a guy, did I screw this up?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by WhiteShadows, Aug 12, 2016.

  1. WhiteShadows

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    Hi EC 
    It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here, but a fair bit has been going on in my life recently and I felt I needed to share and maybe get some advice/support. Incoming slightly long post: (But it’s kind of interesting I hope)

    Just some background: I’ve just turned 20, I had a pretty hard time in high school figuring out I was gay, and basically fell really hard for my best friend (you can read my posts from a few years back if you like haha). Anyway, since then I took a year off, went overseas, had an awesome year, came back to Australia and started university.
    Last year, one of my very good friends moved in with me, and I sort of developed strong feelings for him, the second person I’ve ever really crushed on. It was a bit hard, because I pretty much knew he was straight. I did handle it a lot better this time; I told him how I felt pretty early, and found out he couldn’t return the feelings. But it was still a bit painful, especially since it felt like I hardly ever have feelings for anyone, and it takes ages (I’d known him for 5 years) and it’s always someone straight. But over time I have been able to get over the feelings I think.

    But getting on to what’s been happening this year: I met this guy at an LGBT group I go to, and pretty much as soon as I met him I was like “far out, he’s cute”. I’m usually not too drawn to people just by looks, but he was an exception. So we started talking over the weeks and eventually we planned to hang out one day. We got lunch and talked and walked around, and overall it was good, but I kind of didn’t know if it was a date or not… he had always seemed kind of flirty with me, and had said things like implying I was cute and stuff, and just seemed super flirty… But I think I made a mistake by asking him if it was a date, because he kind of just seemed a bit surprised and didn’t really answer.
    Skip ahead a few weeks and we have been hanging out more, although more at things with other people like parties. At this stage I’m kind of just feeling that we’ll just be friends, which I’m fine with because he’s awesome, although I still do think he’s pretty cute. One time though him and another friend crashed at my place, and we sort of… ended up cuddling the entire night.

    It was kind of cute :3 The thing is, my other friend was sleeping in my bed with me (we are pretty close and often spoon) and we jokingly invited him to join us, and he did. Then my friend left in the morning and it was just us two, and he rolls over and starts cuddling me so intensely. At that point I think I melted. We got pretty close, and in the next few weeks we were hanging out more and ended up cuddling quite a lot. But I noticed that he is also affectionate with his other close friends.
    So then one night he, myself and some other friends were hanging out playing video games, and we made out. We were a bit tipsy at the time, but it was really gentle and sweet, and it kind of messed me up a bit emotionally. I’ve seen him kiss other people, and I got the feeling it wasn’t really a big deal for him, but it meant a lot to me. So at this point I figured I had to tell him that I liked him a lot, and I wanted to ask if he would go out with me (sort of hoping he would).

    So a day or so later I told him, and stressed that I didn’t want to screw anything up, but he said that he was sorry and that he was kind of about to be dating a girl he liked. I told myself I wouldn’t be sad, and even though I thought I was prepared for it I guess it just kind of hurts. I know I need to move on; we’ll still be close friends and I’m happy for that, but I think it will only get more painful if I keep thinking something might happen.

    tl;dr
    Basically, I just feel like I can never get this right; I fall for very few people and whenever I do it’s someone I can’t have, or I screw it up. I mean, did I go about this wrong? Should I have told him earlier, or just asked him out earlier, or something else? Was I really dumb thinking something could happen from the signs he was giving me? I just don’t know.

    I’m not too upset I guess, just feeling a bit empty and wanted to get it out there.
    Thanks for your support everyone (*hug*)
     
  2. WhiteShadows

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  3. faustian1

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    You didn't make any big mistakes. You were very open about your feelings. You put yourself out there. It is very hard. Very. But you did it. Not only that, but it seems as if your friend also met you part way, in being forthright in return.

    That doesn't provide enough satisfaction to solve your other problem, which is that you feel like a failure. A lot of us do, as almost all of us strive for relationships and, as you said, when it finally seems promising it cannot be, for a variety of reasons.

    An unfortunate (or is it?) thing I've learned in life is that it is damned near impossible to plan anything. Careers. Relationships. Life, in general. Some of us are so busy planning, that we fail to notice the opportunities that drift by. I know this all too well, because I'm guilty of it too.

    The only guaranteed advice I can give you is that you should try not to withdraw into yourself. Get involved with more people, a change of scene if you can. Then again I know how hard this is, and it can't be forced or rushed.

    And the other thing, you're already doing. That is where you asked for clarification about whether he reciprocated your feelings, fairly early. It could be worse. This could have gone on for years, instead of the shorter time it was.

    Also, what of that "other friend?" It appears you're closer than mere acquaintances. Kind of a blend of platonic and affection, or more than that?
     
  4. WhiteShadows

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    Thank you faustian1, it helps to hear that.

    I am glad I told him, although sometimes wonder what would have happened if I told him earlier.

    I definitely agree that things sometimes just happen without being planned. I've never been in a relationship, but I think when it does happen it should just be when the time comes.

    I will be getting a bit of a change of scene as I'll be spending a month overseas starting next week. I think the different language and people will be good to take my mind off things.

    About my other friend: we're just pretty good friends. They actually did have feelings for me for quite some time, and they told me recently, but I didn't feel the same way. I do feel bad for not returning them, cause I know it sucks to be on the other end of that (case in point, the guy I wrote this thread about). But yeah... so we're just affectionate friends... I kind of see them as more of an older sibling, or like a mentor.
     
  5. redghost

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    "There are many worlds, but they share the same sky —
    one sky, one destiny."

    I agree with Faustian1, the best way to push out painful memories and feelings are to replace them. Don't withdraw. Meet more people, do things, fill up the days. I recently had a horrible experience, and just thinking about it for days after triggered panic attacks. But these past two weeks have been so busy, so full of new people and new situations because I have a new job, and now it doesn't hurt so much.

    Side note: hot people tend to flock together. To quote Joanne the Scammer, "Don't cuff too early, because your soulmate may be one of his homeboys." Your crush's friends could possibly be opportunities for relationships.
     
  6. WhiteShadows

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    Thanks Redghost.

    It's funny you actually mention that side note; one of his friends is very cute and I have gotten to know him pretty well recently, although he is currently in a relationship :frowning2: but still...

    I'm currently travelling and will be seeing a lot of old friends and also meeting new people, so that should take my mind off things for a bit.

    I can't help feeling that there's still this tiny chance with him though... He's just... So confusing... Like he still flirts with me... Anyway , I know I have to avoid dwelling on it.
     
  7. rainbow knight

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    It's completely okay you feel this way, just let it develop on its own, maybe something great happens or another thing great things happens, too, which is that you get stronger and more experience. Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
    #7 rainbow knight, Aug 19, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2016
  8. WhiteShadows

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    Thanks, rainbow.

    I guess I'm just regretting not going for what I wanted earlier. But yeah... I'll see him in 3 weeks when I get back home, and we'll see where it goes. Seems like he's pretty into this girl though :frowning2: She's so lucky