Hello! So I've been in a relationship with this guy for almost a year now and I really love him and I'm sure that he loves me! We've had some problems in our relationship along the way but I think we're doing okay, except he refuses to come out to his family and it's honestly kind of frustrating, I feel like our relationship can't progress anymore unless he does because I can't ever see him on holidays because he's with his family, I can't post anything online about us, I can't do lots of things because he's so afraid someone will see him, also he has a lot of debt from making some not so good financial decision and he's trying to correct it all now and that's good except he has told me multiple times he will not be moving out of his parents house until all of debt is paid off and he absolutely will not move into an apartment he is so stuck on when he moves out buying a house, and that means that I wouldn't have any chance of moving in with him any time soon because I cannot afford a house and he won't be able to for a while either. I'm just tired of feeling like a secret and he doesn't understand he always just says "we you don't have to stay you have the option to leave" and I know that but it's just I don't want to. I don't know maybe I just expect to much of him?
Try to put yourself in his situation, because I think you're focusing too much on yourself. For many people, the whole coming out process is one of the most difficult tasks to complete, and to have someone you love to constantly nag about it, doesn't make it any easier. You have to understand that he might not just be ready yet (you stated that he's trying to correct some financial mistakes), no matter how much you loves him or he loves you. I'm sure he's already very stressed about all of his debts, too. I think it's really important that he has someone to support him, and not someone who constantly nags on him to come out to his family. Do you even know how stressful that can be? All you can do is to support him, to love him (and to show that he is loved) and to give him the time he needs. You need to show him that you love him no matter what he choose to do, that what matters is the love you have for each other.
So you know where I'm coming from with this, I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost three years now. I am still living with my family and in the closet. It sucks, but believe me when I say it's necessary. Now, have you talked with him about this? Do you know what his family is like? Are they the accepting type, or could there be a genuine risk to his safety, his financial security, or his home? If you don't know, ask him about it. Try coming from a place of support. There's nothing wrong with wanting to know his thoughts about coming out, but try not to pressure him into something that he's not ready for. And maybe talk to him about his desire to buy a house. Does he know what that takes? Does he know how long the two of you might be waiting to move in with each other? What are your school and career plans? If the two of you do buy a house, are you going to be looking to move in a year or two because life changed?
OK, well, I guess my gut instinct is to go another way. I guess it's fair to say where I'm coming from. I've been out twenty-five years and been with my husband for eighteen. I think you aren't being unreasonable at all. No one has to come out before they're ready, but also no one is entitled to date you. It seems like he is setting an awful lot of concerns and conditions on his love for you and frankly on your life--so advising you to just love him unconditionally doesn't ring true for me. If he is not in the place to share the kind of life that you want I think you should go find that life with someone else. And frankly I think his response to your concerns says an awful lot. If I was ever in a relationship and went to that person and said basically that I thought things were going well and I cared for them but there were certain things that I was finding difficult and that were really preventing our relationship and my life from progressing the way I wanted them to and his response was basically "well, you can always leave me." I can tell you for certain I would do just that...
I'm with OGS, I was basically going to write exactly what he did, so it goes double for me. I will say from my own experience, I've been in 4 different kinds of gay relationships: One where we were both closeted, one where I was out and he wasn't, one where I wasn't out and he was, and one where we were both out. In a relationship you need to hang out with other couples, with family members, friends, etc. Just hiding and holing up will only stifle your growth together and as people. That doesn't mean it can't work - I'm sure there are plenty of closeted couples throughout the world, especially in places where being gay isn't viewed (or dealt with legally) in a favorable manner - but you're at a major disadvantage if one of both of you aren't out. By you being out and him not, it creates a massive power imbalance. I can remember feeling terrible for being secretive about my boyfriend around my family when I couldn't say who he really was. Likewise, I've been in your shoes of being the out one and having to essentially put myself back into the closet around their friends and family. It's well and good to be supportive of him, but it probably isn't the best long-term solution. Basically, what you need to consider is: do you want to do this long-term? What if he never comes out? Are you prepared to live like this for the rest of your life? If the answer is no, you need to face the facts that this won't be a healthy relationship for you moving forward. If you can deal with the closet - and his stipulations - you might be okay.
I'm sorry I should have given more information! We are allowed to be a couple around his friends most of his friends know and that's okay! And he also has tried to come out to his parents before and they simply refuse to believe his mom still says she hopes that he finds his wife soon, and I want to be with him I want to have a life and relationship with him and it just sucks because I felt like I was finally out of the closet like I didn't have to hide anymore and now I feel like I'm back to square one and there are some of his family members that's he knows for sure would support him being gay. I just feel like he's so scared of accepting that he's gay, like he still has a hard time with it sometimes and it makes me sad because he's truly wonderful and when I'm with him he makes me smile and laugh and I couldn't imagine it any other way, but then sometimes I wonder how I'm supposed to deal with being back in the closet for what could be years while he figures stuff out
You are NOT expecting too much. He has a lot of work to do on himself, and I am afraid he will not be a fair partner to you until he does. I think you basically have two choices: accept a relationship that is not what you want (and what you want is reasonable, fair, and healthy), or you can break up with him. I know that neither of those is probably what you want. I feel for you. Unfortunately, gay or straight, most people have relationships in their lives that are that way: the other person just can't give what you need. Be true to yourself and what you need. I feel sympathy for your partner; he's in a tough situation with his family. Ultimately, though, he either needs to act like an adult and deal with who he is or not.
