Okay, sorry for freaking out, but I'm in a serious bind here, you guys: I've a close male friend of mine who's told me he likes me, multiple times, and now I'm beginning to wonder if I somehow actually like him too. I've been struggling with my sexuality for years now and, last year, decided I was full-on lesbian, though I felt a little odd saying that for a while. Before that, I ID'd briefly as bi; before that, questioning. My first serious girl crush happened when I was nine or ten - on this girl in my ballet class that I thought had the most beautiful eyes, even though they were objectively just brown - and lasted till I was fourteen. I used to take a position at barre in front of her and risk showing her how awful my dancing was just so I could be slow on the turnaround and stare into her eyes a few more seconds, that's how bad, you guys. Anyway, that wasn't all. I'd been crushing on girls since seven at the oldest, because I remember specifically thinking I had a crush on this one girl when I was maybe that age, talking on the fence alone with her outside and thinking how cute she was. (Somehow I didn't connect this in my mind with being gay.) When I hit puberty, all the other girls would talk about how hot some guy was but I never got that. I figured I was just a late bloomer and I'd notice it too, when the hormones really kicked in. Meanwhile I got shiny-eyed over girl celebs and other girl friends. There was a period where I tried crushing on boys but the only boys I could even consider crushing on were quite feminine, and even then none of them reached anything like the intensity or longevity of my crush on ballet girl. My last guy crush, I remember specifically thinking - the night I sorta got rejected by him - that I was heartbroken over the crush of one year, so naturally, I should cry. I did cry a little, but the feelings I felt were more fear and shame, because I had failed to prove I was straight and made an ass of myself to him, and the next day I felt next to nothing about him, didn't miss him or anything. Really there was just embarrassment. As I got older I did start to have sexual thoughts, only most of them (99%) were about girls and how beautiful their curves were, and how soft their skin and lips must be, and how pretty their laughs sounded. When I touched myself I could only get off to the thought of girls, and when I came I invariably thought of ballet girl, when I crushed on her. So I guess the hormones did eventually kick in for me, just not in the way I thought they would. I didn't think much of it except that it must be an odd kink, until last year when I met a girl online in a similar position as me. We became fast friends (over an unrelated topic) and then, when we revealed our sexuality to each other, decided to try long-distance dating. It was wonderful while it lasted, until my dad found out and ended it; I missed her terribly after that, but I cut her off anyway, so dad wouldn't carry through on his threats to hurt her. We've begun talking in secret since then and have been good friends for the most part, despite hot-cold periods and some serious mixed signals on her part, but the main point is this: my feelings for her still hasn't gone away, even though I still haven't met her in person, even though she's broken my heart too many times to count, even though she's been forced back into the closet after being outed to her family against her will and has a boyfriend now, even though she's ignored me since a fight about that a month ago. These are crazy deep feelings, I mean I want to do everything for her, take care of her, make silly romantic gestures, kiss her, probably have her take my virginity, um, you know, just generally having her around like all the time would be paradise, right? Especially since I've never gotten to even see her once, I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone else. I still daydream about her and worry about her every single night. And my guy friend knows all of this. So what's the problem, right? I'm clearly a lesbian, right? Except...this guy is messing me up. Because I like him a lot, he's a very cool person and clearly really, really into me... I mean he keeps saying so, over and over again. And my first instinct was to tell him gently I'm a lesbian and I like him as a brother and that's that, which I did. But that hasn't been the end of it. Everyone keeps bringing it up including he himself, but not just that, my sister is now saying I might not really be a lesbian and I should give him a try. And I don't really want to, because I'm happy with the way things are now. Only...I've been having these dreams. Just a few days ago I dreamed it was the end of the world, so I thought, 'screw it' and grabbed him and kissed him, because hey, he's about to die, might as well give him the kiss of his life, right? Then last night I dreamed I was holding his hand and wouldn't let go. It felt really nice. Comparable dreams about my crushes...well, I've never kissed them in dreams, even though I daydream about them all the time and think it would just be the bee's knees to make out with a girl, and weird with a boy. Also sex sounds great with a girl, but super awkward and weird with a guy, and my dreams about guys have never come close to sex, though admittedly I've never had an unconscious dream about sex with a girl either, just fantasies. So...what's going on? Am I gay? Bi? Do i really like him and I'm just trying to ignore it, or am I being influenced by everyone around me? Seriously, what the heck even is going on? Just...someone help. I'm a hot smoking mess right now and I don't even know if I'm me anymore. :bang::bang::bang:
Maybe it's just like a romantic crush on him? Like he's such an amazing friend to you, and you know he likes you, and you're just in love with the idea of it "working" not necessarily him? That or maybe you're bi and just extremely closer to gay than straight.
Woah you went at the front of the barre for that girl?!? And risked getting scolded by the teacher for continually turning at the wrong speed?!? Well that's devotion. Wouldn't you have to turn quicker before she turned to see her face if you started in front of her? Sorry I just like talking about dance... On to the real topic. Also sorry about your girl trouble too The thing with sexuality is that there can be exceptions. I've heard of people who were completely straight falling for people of the same gender (of course that could have been a bunch of baloney but still many say sexuality is fluid). So its definitely a possibility, but in my personal opinion (so don't take my word for it this is just what I got from what you wrote) you probably don't have a crush on this boy. It sounds to me like what everyone has been telling you is getting into your subconscious and your dreams. Especially because it doesn't sound like you would ever want to be with a guy and that your crushes on girls sound very different than the way you feel about this boy. Also I don't think dreams are a very reliable or concrete form of evidence or that they always mean anything (I once dreamt a car ate me - I don't think that had any meaning). Even when they do have meanings they aren't usually very straight forward - they convey things through metaphors and symbols. If anything, maybe this guy is your brains' version of a sort of rebound since you still have strong feelings for the other girl and are having a hard time getting over her? Maybe your dreams are trying to tell you you want to be in a new relationship - which doesn't mean you should try to find a new one I'm just trying to give suggestions to why you've been having these dreams (sorry I'm grasping at straws I just was thinking that him being a guy could symbolize new territory or beginnings or maybe because rebounds are infamous for not always being healthy relationships that both people are actually interested in)? But again in my experience dreams often don't mean anything and can be affected by memories or what people say or what you worry or think about. Try not to stress to much about it or doubt your whole identity over one boy. Especially because it just sounds like you have very strong feelings towards him. It could just be a strong admiration or friendship type of love. I would suggest taking time to just think about it and what this person means to you. Could you imagine being romantic with him (and enjoying it/feeling the same as you would kissing a girl)? Do you see a possible future with him (marriage, kids, living together)? When I'm doubting myself I usually try to think deeply and ask myself these kinds of questions. I hope my rant helped in some capacity. Best of luck figuring things out.
Thank you both so much for your replies ! Rainbow - haha, good point, sometimes it meant being late on turns and sometimes early ^^; thankfully I don't really think our teacher was horribly strict about being late on turns, although I may also have gotten distracted by her once or twice during au milieu work... Those first loves are always terrible, heh. Are you a dancer too? I'm honestly really glad to hear that ^^; Thing is, I didn't have these dreams before he started really pushing the whole in love with me thing. I always liked him and got along great with him but to be honest I have never just...fallen in love with a guy, the only times I ever thought I had a crush on one guy or another was after hearing someone (usually my dad) talk about me having a crush on that boy in a seemingly approving way, then I'd think to myself, "Hmm, I've always had a great friendship with this guy but my dad thinks he has a crush on me and I should have one on him? Guess I do then." So I was hoping it was the same thing here because to be honest, falling for a guy just sounds so messy and unpleasant. ^^;; As for a future with him or enjoying romantic things with him, I have thought about it and I really want to cuddle him and be affectionate, but explicitly romantic things like kissing...seem like I could make them tolerable if I really pushed it, at best. I really don't want to see him in a "special" way except in that he's a very good friend who is very dear to me, I have no urge to make him "mine" in any sense of the term, and while I hope he would never just drop me or grow distant given that we are good friends, I would be his number one fan and supporter if he got a girlfriend, especially since he's quite insecure about his ability to charm the opposite sex, heh. I've told him many a time before how cool it would be if he became my brother-in-law (my sister actually has a crush on him), and honestly that is what I would want most - to have him remain a close family friend throughout my life. I get along with him very well, I just can't bring myself to see him like I do girls, to be jealous of him and possessive and to melt over the littlest things he does or whatever. To be really fair I think we'd get along well living together, it's just there'd be no romance, not for me, and I'm a very romantic person. If we married I'd like as not be constantly pining over the insanely lovely French friend I'm crushing on right now, heh. So if all goes well I'll just marry her instead, and he can be my shoulder to cry on when we have fights or tough spots ^^; As for what you said about rebound crushes I think you could very likely be right. I've been going back and forth on my feelings for this girl friend and I keep trying to tell myself to give up, that it isn't worth it to keep hanging on to this while she goes through her period of, I don't know, soul searching, even though I can never actually manage it. I remember another girl I met two months ago who seemed kinda gay and extremely charming and I know part of why I had a crush on her was because she seemed like a welcoming opportunity after so much tears and frustration with my French friend. If this were me from two years ago, I'm sure I would have forced a crush on him already and dived into a relationship with him to prove I'm straight and attractive enough for a boyfriend, ha. Anyway I really really hope it's just as you said and I have no feelings for him. It's just that those dreams reeeeeally freaked me out when I had them and when I woke up I freaked out about them some more, and if it really was a sign that I liked him there's no point keeping him waiting and agonizing, so...y'know. x)
During au milieu exercises? Hopefully not adage or pirouettes! Yep I do ballet (RAD vocational syllabus - advanced one right now - and I was doing the graded as well but I just finished it earlier this year) and the pointe that goes with it, jazz, and lyrical, but I've always wanted to do tap as well. Yeah it doesn't really sound to me like you have feelings for him other than normal friendship feelings. I've heard of regular friends cuddling in a non-romantic way, that's probably what that's about. If it meant anything I would say at the most you would be attracted to him romantically - but I doubt even that. As for the dreams I don't think they have much meaning. When I was younger I had a dream that a had a crush on a guy in this dream - but looking back it was probably just because of what I had seen around me and on tv and how I thought I was supposed to be. Plus there have probably been straight people who have had gay dreams (although this would probably be less likely since most media is straight) and freaked out over it - but that doesn't make them any less straight. So if most of your worries over whether or not you like him are because of a couple of dreams you probably don't. I get it though - when I doubt myself I like having reassurance from others. Especially because I'm most often horrible at deciphering my own feelings. Just try not to worry too much about it. It doesn't really sound like you would enjoy dating him and you shouldn't have to push it to make kissing just tolerable. And it is also pretty doubtful you have feelings for him since you are so okay with him dating other people and don't want him to be yours or feel jealously. Hopefully he will eventually understand forcing it and being persistent won't help in this case. I hope what I just said makes sense and isn't difficult to follow because sometimes my train of thought only makes sense to me! Have a nice day!
