Asexual/Aromantic (??) ex-girlfriend flirting with me again?

So, I have been on and off on this site for a period of about two years now, same problems with the same girl, and now I am back again! Sigh... Sorry for what might be a long post, and sorry for those of you who have helped me with these problems before that must be getting tired of me ranting on about this girl, but I reaaally need advice right now, again... :icon_redf :help:

So thing is, to sum up my story so far (as if the title wasn't chaotic enough on its own):

I have this best friend, I fell in love with her about 2 years ago, and things have been a weird roller-coaster of emotion since then. I confessed about 1 and a half years ago, she pretty much just said "okay" to that confession and a few months went by. Then she asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship with her, and that she had thought about my confession for a long time. I said yes, we were together for about 2-3 months, then i finally decided to break up with her because it felt like I loved her a whole lot more than she loved me, and she couldn't honestly tell me that she loved me, which broke my heart. After that she found out that she was possibly asexual and aromantic, and that's fine by me, honestly. I started getting over her... buut then she keeps pulling me back. Sure, she is my best friend, we skype for about 5-6 hours every day, and we constantly message each other. All that is okay by me, the problem is that she is still acting like we are in a relationship.

Now to my current problem:

I started really getting over her recently. Life felt alright, I found new attractive people to talk to and I tried to detach myself a bit from her. But then this other week she stayed at my place for two weeks. Just the two of us at my family cabin, everything was pretty normal. Then we went on a camping trip with a few more friends of mine and in the tent in the middle of the night she started being... weird. We cuddled, like, reaaally cuddled. We both "pretend" to be asleep as we hold hands and spoon and stroke each others arms. Normal romantic cuddling stuff. That confused me, but I kind of brushed it off as a one time thing, and that it didn't mean anything.

Every day after that though, when we were alone at the cabin again, she insisted on napping with me, in my bed. And the cuddling just got more and more romantic as the days progressed. She would wrap herself around my stomach when I complained that I was having period pains. She would tickle me and I would tickle her till we got tired and started just stroking and massaging each other instead. We would hold hands very intimately, and at one point we were facing each other, faces about one centimeter apart, with her hands wrapped around my back (under my sports bra) while mine were at the nape of her neck and the side of her face. We would just lie like this for hours, pretending to sleep and gently stroking/tickling each other. I got turned on when she was stroking my neck and my lower back... naturally, and I made no attempt at hiding it what so ever by grinding my body against hers gently, wishing for her to take a hint. That pretty much just motivated her more. We were both pretty much moaning at more than one point. When we "wake up" both of us pretend like it never happened, and we don't speak about it at all.

The cuddling doesn't get very romantic untill later on you see, when I pretend to be asleep. It is as if she is scared and embarrassed that I will notice what she is doing. I get the feeling she genuinely wants to cuddle with me and have a kind of physical relationship.

This can't be normal. I refuse to believe that she thinks that this is normal non-romantic behavior. When my mom came and visited us one day she jumped about a meter out of the bed when my mom entered the room as we were lying like this. I can't see how she would do this if she didn't want to keep it a secret. And hell, why keep it a secret if she only considers it to be normal platonic cuddling? The things we do now are even more romantic than when we were together, and that frustrates me. If she says she doesn't love me, then I don't get why she continues to do these things anyway. She knows I am gay, she knows I have feelings for her, and yet she does this. I really don't get it. Do you think this kind of cuddling is normal for strictly platonic best friends?

I don't know what to do anymore. I have brought up issues like this to her far too many times, and I feel like I am constantly whining and being very desperate. But at the same time I just can't let this one slide. I do think I want a relationship with her, and sometimes I really regret breaking up, I don't know if being in a relationship with her is the best thing for me personally though, she really really broke my heart earlier and I don't want to repeat that.

Even if we aren't in a relationship I don't want to stop cuddling, because I love being close to her, and I love her, but I can't continue to do so if I get in a relationship with anyone else than her either, that would be unfair to my new partner.. Should I just tell her that? She is so bad at communicating and it feels like all she ever says when I ask her stuff is "I don't know". So honestly I am getting very tired of bringing up issues that bother me, because I never seem to get a solid answer. I don't know if I should just let it rest of bring it up, anyone have any good advice because I am just so confused right now :icon_sad:

Sorry for the messy post, I wrote this at 5 am. And thank you very much for reading through all that (*hug*)

 

Thank you for your long reply. You really managed to put my mind at ease to some extent, so thank you. I decided to ask about it just yesterday, can't hurt I suppose. So now I am just waiting for a response really. When it comes to the aro/ace thing;well. We discussed it. Or hmm... I discussed it. She is rarily the person to argue, and I always lead the conversation. She often seem to agree with me and she has shown signs of kind of always wanting to please me. I guess we both managed to talk our way towards the fact that she might be aro/ace, but I was probably the one to suggest it more than her... which worries me. I might have put the words in her mouth and she hasn't personally stated much that she is either, least of all aro. Though she does agree vaguely whenever it comes up.

She kind of shows other signs as well though, of maybe not being completely aro/ace. It probably sounds really stupid but we both like to make stories/comics, she draws (extremely well) and I write. We have both made these very developed characters and I know from experience that she puts a lot of herself in them. Well she kind of started to hint at our characters having a relationship/children/etc in our story setting. This is really not like her considering she can't even talk about anything related to sex or romance without going all weird and becoming flustered. I don't know if this has something to do with a anything, but I really feel it does...

Haha *sigh*, she is giving me a real headache, but I love her so much, literally more than i ever thought possible and it would kill me to ever leave her completely. It is a frustrating mix between me wanting to do everything in my power to make her happy, but also the fact that I get jealous and angry and frustrated because I just feel a bit too much all the time. And she gets slightly annoyed when I talk to other people too much too, though she doesn't like to admit it. She literally hates my ex-girlfriend (her former best friend) for no real reason at all and I get the feeling she tries to make me jealous by talking to other people, though she doesn't have that many friends herself.

Thank you a lot for your reply again, I appreciate it so much (*hug*)

 

No more tips? Anyone?:icon_sad: i really really need some more advice on this Dx