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Kicked out by my parents if I don't pretend to be straight

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by pixelmel, Aug 14, 2016.

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  1. pixelmel

    pixelmel
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    So I started dating one of my close friends recently. She's a lesbian, and I am bisexual. When she asked me out, I immediately was scared of the consequences of this. I was not out to my parents, and I knew they would be extremely disappointed with me if they found out. We decided to go for it anyway, however, and try to keep our relationship a secret from my parents until I felt ready to come out to them.

    The problem is that I still live with my parents (I'm 21) and am pretty close to them, so it didn't take too long before they figured out what was going on. I felt so guilty for hiding my relationship from them, so I just admitted it to them and consequently had to come out to them. Unfortunately, my parents' beliefs about being gay/bi are so deeply rooted in what they think the Bible says about homosexuality. They were very, very angry at me and insisted that I am living in sin and hurting God by dating a woman. This all went on for two hours, them essentially telling me I am a terrible person for liking women, before they finally told me that if I want to "continue down this path," I need to move out of their house.

    So basically, I am left with two options:
    A) Live as my real, bisexual self and continue dating my girlfriend but give up the security of my home and the support of my parents
    B) Break up with my girlfriend and pretend to be straight in order to keep my parents

    I do have a job, but it's only part-time since I'm also going to college. I make $10/hr, but I only work 15 hours a week. My girlfriend insists that I can move in with her family (she also still lives at home) for a short while and then we can get an apartment together.

    But we have only been dating for a month (we've been friends for more than a year, though), so that seems like a big risk. With our combined incomes, we should be able to make renting a one-bedroom apartment work financially... but I worry that this will be detrimental for our relationship, even though we love and support each other. I know plenty of people who have made relationships work despite moving "too fast," but I'm still not sure...

    I keep drifting between my two choices because both of them terrify me. I don't want to pretend to be straight; I want to be myself and live proudly for the first time. But I also don't want to leave my family and risk hurting my relationship. I'm so stressed about this and my parents are pushing me to make my final decision ASAP.

    Any advice would be so, so greatly appreciated.
     
    #1 pixelmel, Aug 14, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2016
  2. yuanzi

    yuanzi
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    Sorry for your situation. Very tough choices here. I know what I would have done if this happened to me when I was 21. I would have broken up with whomever and gone back to the closet because I was so dependent on my family both emotionally and financially back then. Of course if this happened to me right now, I would choose very differently.

    However, I would never move in with anyone's family if we have only been dating for a month. I hate to have that much power imbalance in a relationship. But that's your decision.

    If you want to keep the relationship and somewhat appease your family, maybe the best option is to rent a one-bedroom apt on your own? Maybe even get a second job? It is surely gonna be hard but at least you can live in peace. Somehow I also feel that your family might come around faster if you leave home (I know my family would be really pissed if I lived with them, spent their money while dating someone they hated).

    I hope you figure something out!
     
    #2 yuanzi, Aug 14, 2016
  3. Blood Elf

    Blood Elf
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    You need somewhere to live. But like the person above said, I also wouldn't move in with someone whom I've only been with a month. I believe things could go South a lot faster that way.

    But, try getting more hours where you currently work maybe? Or get a second job? So, you can have more income and the two of you can possibly rent a place together and you won't have to worry about being kicked out anymore.

    I can imagine it's difficult, but I would play it for right now until you are good enough financially and okay with living with her. Hopefully your girlfriend understand, or maybe just hide the relationship just while you're solving the problem? I can't help too much on that because I'm not very experienced with relationship type things myself.

    It's so wrong that they are being that way, but like they say, "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."

    I wish you good luck!
     
    #3 Blood Elf, Aug 15, 2016
  4. Legate

    Legate
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    If you read the bible more in depth, the section of the bible saying same sex is a sin was written because the man who wrote that part of the bible saw male slave masters raping they're male slaves and said that it was a sin not because they were same sex but because it was rape, and also in the bible Jesus literally helps a suffering man on the streets on a Sunday because he felt pity for him, he went against the bible for love and the bible actually says that if you're reason is love, you can disobey the bible

    I hope this helped and good luck with your situation
     
    #4 Legate, Aug 15, 2016
  5. I'm gay

    I'm gay
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    It makes me so sad to read about your situation. I agree with those posting here that moving in with your girlfriend is a risky move. I never came out to my parents when I lived with and was dependent on them, so I don't know what I would have done. It just makes me so mad to see how many parents are willing to throw their gay kids away.

    There are always more options. You could also try to find a roommate situation, there should be people looking for a roommate in most areas. I feel for you. Please keep reading and posting to EC. We're all here for you.
     
    #5 I'm gay, Aug 15, 2016
  6. JonSomebody

    JonSomebody
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    I agree totally with everything that was said by Yuanzi and Valkari. Right now, you basically have to play along with your family's demands until you are able to gain the control of your life the way you would like to. Good Luck!!!
     
    #6 JonSomebody, Aug 15, 2016
  7. resu

    resu
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    You need to be independent from your parents so you can live your life as you wish. No matter what they say or do, they can't create happiness for you, and sexuality is a private matter. However, if that means staying in the closet in the short term so you can achieve that independence, that may be an option.

    It is possible your girlfriend will not be willing to wait, but she should understand that you are dependent on your parents. If you are careful enough, maybe you could at least meet on-campus between classes. It's not ideal, but it could keep things going.

    Don't give up on your degree! College dropouts have a really challenge getting decent paying jobs, not to mention possibly paying off loans without getting a diploma.
     
    #7 resu, Aug 15, 2016
  8. AllAlison

    AllAlison
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    Cant say much more but im in the same boat, but far too young to get out and be independant. years of pretending ahead i feel for you
     
    #8 AllAlison, Aug 18, 2016
  9. Gravity

    Gravity
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    If you were under 18 or still in high school, I think the choice would be pretty simple - pretend to be straight in the interest of your own financial and social well-being, still being under legal guardianship of your parents. It would suck, but coming out isn't always the best choice depending on a situation when one's a minor.

    However, since you're 21 and in college, the choice may be a little more complicated. I'm tempted to ask whether your college has dorms that you could stay in, and I'm sure that they have financial aid offices with staff who could help you apply for loans and such, even on short term notice. So, you may have a lot of options with your school for getting you out and on your own (plus that way you wouldn't have to move in with your girlfriend, having only known her a month, as others have pointed out).
     
    #9 Gravity, Aug 18, 2016
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