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My boyfriend died and I'm at a loss

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Hobbes, Aug 19, 2016.

  1. Hobbes

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    I met this great guy back in January, we got along really well, and started dating. Neither of us is out so everything is on the down low without our families or friends knowing about us. So, now eight months later I found out that he has died. I'm really saddened by this and because I'm not out, I can't really be honest with anyone I know that might help me through this. Also, because he wasn't out, I feel like if I went to the funeral, everybody would ask who I am and how I knew him. And it goes without saying that I can't out him, especially right after his death. I need help to get through this and I'm afraid that I might go out and do something really stupid.
     
  2. Gravity

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    Hi there - I'm very sorry to hear about what happened, and that you're in a position where you don't have anyone to talk to about it.

    First things first - I would suggest you go to the funeral. You can make up whatever story you need to about how you know him, and random/unknown friends coming to a funeral is not necessarily unexpected. More importantly, the closure that a funeral can provide could be really helpful for you.

    Otherwise, if you have literally not one family member or friend you are out to, I would consider looking into counseling as an option for having someone to talk to about what happened. You'll need to share it eventually and this would give you a private way of doing so, plus some extra support for getting through the near future. If traditional counseling isn't an option, there may be cheaper or free counseling available in your area or online as well (and there's always EC).
     
  3. BobObob

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    I'm sorry for your loss.

    I agree with Gravity. Attending the funeral may be very helpful in providing closure for you.
     
  4. JonSomebody

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    So sorry for your loss...I also agrees with Gravity. I somewhat knows how you feel. Its a little over six years since my boyfriend had passed away and I was the one who found him dead on the kitchen floor. We were so in love and were planning our wedding for later that year. I went into a really deep depression and although I've made strides to piece my life together again, there is not a day that goes by that I do not miss him or think about him. For awhile, once I started dating again, I was comparing every guy that I met to him which was not fair, but I did it. I really think you should go to the funeral and sit in the back if you can. I really feel that by going will bring some closure to the situation that you really need at this time...God Bless, JS
     
  5. faustian1

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    Hobbes, your connection with that guy was personal, between the two of you. You know that men hang out together and become friends for many reasons that are not "gay."

    Please follow the others' advice and go to the funeral. Pay your respects. Tell people how much you valued him as a friend. The rest of the story is between the two of you. It can stay there. Straight guys cry when good friends die, too. Let yourself grieve for him.
     
  6. QuestionMark99

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    Chances are if you go to the funeral no one is going to ask who you are anyway, but if they do, you can just say you were a friend who knew him from school or work or whatever you think works. You don't have to interact with the family at all and given what they are going through it's highly unlikely they will approach you. Lots of old friends and casual acquaintances show up at funerals and nothing is ever really thought of it. If you think it will help you to attend, then you should go.

    I'm very sorry that this happened.
     
  7. Orchidea123

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    Very sorry about your loss..
    Definitely attend the funeral. It may seem to you that others are going to wonder why you are there, don't feel under magnifying glass, no one is going to question or think he was your boyfriend. For you this should be start to recovery from loss, to say goodbye to him..
    I really hope you find someone to talk to, in the meantime, post here.
    My condolences to you..
     
  8. Hobbes

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    Thank you everyone for your advice. I will probably go to the funeral, if I can with work and school getting along. We have a friend in common. She asked me what my orientation was and she was supportive. Her follow up question was if I had a boyfriend and I told her no, even though I did. I'll see if I can't talk to her and I will seek counseling. The university offers it for free to students. I'll see how they can help.

    I'll try and move forward. The night is always broken by the sunrise, right?

    I'll try and post in my blog here, so that everyone can see how I'm doing.
     
  9. Rachelmk

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    I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Like everyone else, I agree that going to the funeral might provide some sort of closure. After the funeral, if things still get worse, a grief counselor may help; many have doctor-patient confidentiality agreements so they won't tell your family, and it might provide an outlet to discuss how his death affected you.
     
  10. resu

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    Even if you can't make it to the funeral, you can visit his grave. He may be physically gone, but he lives on in your mind. Writing in a personal diary (or other form of creative expression) about your experience can help you express your grief and not lose some of those memories.

    I think admitting you had a boyfriend is a great step in being more comfortable with your sexuality. Talking to a counselor is also helpful because you may not know how much this loss is affecting your behavior. Your relationship may have been invisible to others, but it was real to you. Good luck.
     
  11. Hobbes

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    I was able to go the funeral, but I couldn't stay for all of it. I'm meeting with one of the University counselors tomorrow morning. Thank you everyone for your condolences.
     
  12. faustian1

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    Good for you! Please check in and let us know how things are going.
     
  13. CharacterStudy

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    Well done, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to go to the funeral. Go to his grave when you need to. You have just as much right as his close family to grieve for him and remember him.

    But as with others above I really think in these circumstances you need professional support, and hopefully your open -minded friend too. You have just lost a romantic partner, that alone often requires professional help to get through the grieving process. You have to cope with the secrecy on top, of being devastated but unable to express or explain what has happened. I hope you can be open with us all on here, and with a counsellor.

    It makes me so angry that people are forced into this terrible situation. By the way, you may know it, but there's a beautiful film called Lilting, which deals with a similar situation. Some day you might like to watch it.
     
  14. faustian1

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    Hobbes, go to your friend's grave and have a chat with him. As many times as you need to. Please don't feel silly doing this. I have done it, many times, and it brings me comfort.

    Also, I am going to take CharacterStudy's advice and watch that award-winning film. I thank her for bringing this film to our attention. It appears to me that it is very on-point with your situation. Perhaps you'll feel less alone if you watch it.
     
  15. Hobbes

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    I was able to download the movie, however I'm not sure when I'm going to watch it. I was planning on going out there tomorrow, he's buried about twenty miles (thirty two kilometers) away. Which in all honesty sucks, because I'd like to go out there more often than I'll be able. But, there's nothing I can do about that.

    Anyways, thank you everyone for you support and advice. (&&&) Like I said before, I will be posting on my blog, however that will mostly be when I am angry, sad, or missing him. If I don't post, then you can safely assume that for that day, I'm okay.