Not being able to say 'I love you'

So this is a general advice thread, in which I do ask a few specific questions that I'm not always seeking answers to. I really just want another voice or two with some thoughts, because I can't properly sort this out in my head.

Relevant background info:
My boyfriend and I have been together for one year and three (almost four) months now. He's a year older than me, and is going into college next month, while I'm entering my final year of high school.
Our relationship started out great, after we met in a local theatre group. Even though we weren't at all the only gays there, we were the closest in age and the whole society seemed to be secretly trying to get us together. Eventually after the last show we kissed, and a relationship formed a few weeks later.
But the journey hasn't been too smooth, with him struggling with exam pressure, accidentally (messy, messy story) female hormones for 2 months, his granddad dying and then finally more final exams.
It's important to note that I'm a very unemotional person. Not like some people where I deny them (or not to my knowledge) but I just don't feel a lot. I tend not to miss people, I love my own company, don't get jealous in relation to my boyfriend and other guys/girls, and especially I'm not great at falling for people. And contrarily he is highly emotional.
But at the end of all of those bumps we're still together, however I'm feeling unsure about one specific thing among many that I think I need some input on. So here it goes:

See my boyfriend told me he loved me a few months in. And I said it back. But we were drunk at a party, so I made it clear that it didn't officially count. And that we should say it again sober.
But then a week later it happened again at another party. So I repeated what I said before, and then he told me he'd let me say it first.
But me being me, that wasn't going to happen. I mean I'm not very expressive, in person anyway, and I don't like people seeing what emotions I have. But this wasn't me hiding anything, I just didn't love him.

Months later he was going through a rough time and got upset with me because it had been 8 months and I still hadn't said it. And I didn't say it because I didn't feel it.

Fast forward to around 3 months ago and he brought it up once more. And he was really hurt by it. But I refused to say it if I wasn't 100% sure I loved him. But I wasn't even considering what I was feeling to be love. Because it definitely wasn't what society had led me to believe love is.

In an argument around 3 weeks ago he mentioned it briefly. Said that he knew I wouldn't said it, but said that it was because I had trouble expressing my emotions. Now that isn't very much a lie. I'm not used to having a lot of emotions so I don't deal with them well or talk about them easily. But I simply wasn't saying it because I didn't love him. I mean if I said it insincerely it would devalue the meaning of telling someone I loved them. Which is supposed to be a 'sacred' thing or whatever.

But see here's the problem. I haven't even had to say it yet he seems to have convinced himself I'm feeling it. Don't get me wrong, I do really like him. But probably not as much as he likes me, or as much as I should after nearly a year and a third with someone. So while my silence has helped with the issue of saying it, it hasn't helped my problem of him hearing it. I don't want to lie to him and say it just to please him. And I'm not going to. But he seems to have worked his way around that.

Anyway I can't exactly explicitly state to him that I haven't said it because I don't love him. Like can you imagine how hurtful that would be? And I don't want to hurt him. But in the end he's the only one going to get hurt by all of this. And when I said that to him, that at the end of the day he was always going to be the one being hurt, he just told me he loved me and that it was worth it all.

Now the real problem is that this is my first relationship. How can I possibly know what actual love is without having past experience? Maybe what I'm feeling right now is the extent of what I'm capable of feeling in a relationship, and I just don't recognise it as love because like so much else it doesn't feel like what others describe. And what if I'm "doomed" to experience this exact thing in every relationship, but because of my hopefulness I just keep telling myself that the next one will be different?

See I feel horrible about the inequality of the relationship. He feels so deeply for me. And yet I don't feel the same. But I have said that this is "only" a teenage relationship, and that it will inevitably end.. I know, that's hurtful. But we were on the brink of breaking up when that was said, and I had to get it out there. I mean every relationship I have until I meet "the one" is just prep for that relationship, or so I like to look at it. Not that there necessarily will be "a one" for me, but just trying to stay positive.

If we're both enjoying it, but just feeling different levels of emotion, is it wrong for me to stay with him? Or is better and fairer to be brutally honest and likely hurt him by clarifying things?

I'd like to apologise for anything I said that was vague or unclear. It probably wasn't intentional, but once I started typing I sort of had to get it out while I had it all there and I don't want to go back and edit a lot because if I change anything too much it might lose its truth.

Thanks in advance for reading and if you have anything at all to say, helpful or not, I'd *love* to hear it.

 

Thanks for the reply, and I'm glad to see there's someone else with similar experience! Although I'm sorry for the awkward situations it must put you in when people unexpectedly tell you they love you...
I've never really thought about telling family members that I love them because it's not the type of love that has been on my mind as of late. I think I see them as entirely separate though, which of course makes sense considering what you gain from familial love versus what you gain from romantic love.

But anyway, I can't tell if I do value them more significantly than I've valued anyone or anything before. I mean I would still rather my own company, or the company of my best friend over my boyfriend's presence. But that could partially be due to me preferring my own company most of the time, and having spent so many years with my best friend he's almost part of the family and is a non-entity in a way.
And I definitely don't think we're especially connected either.. He's very emotional and feels far more than I do, and because of this we often argue. At the end of the day I usually end up taking the blame because I can deal with things far easier than he can.

I do agree that love varies from person to person and form relationship to relationship. But I'm starting to think this isn't love in any shape or form..

 

The only reason I don't think there's a potential for it to develop more is because of how long we've been together. One year and four-ish months is a long time, especially for teens, so I think deep down I know I should end it...
I don't want to hurt him though because of how damaged he is already.. He has so many insecurities and issues that I fear losing me could send him over the edge. But at the same time I also need to think of my own well-being.
I'm in a rut.

Thanks for your input though!