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Need Some Help

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by JAA1297, Aug 24, 2016.

  1. JAA1297

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Need advice, I am so confused right now
    So my story is very long but I'll try to cut things short.

    So back when my high school year started, I saw this guy in English class who I fell completely in love with the very moment I laid eyes on his perfection. I didn't know it was love because I hadn't come out to myself yet. Two weeks or so later, the teacher swapped our papers so we can read each others', and I got his paper. Three paragraphs in, and I get hit like a ton of bricks—he writes that he's gay. At that moment, I felt something so powerful and overwhelming—I told myself that I had to get to know him better. So later in November, the opportunity arose. My English teacher handed us a packet to read for homework, and I lost it, so I decided to message him and ask him for pictures of the packet. But I wanted his number, so I told him to text it to me instead because my Facebook messenger "doesn't work". He texted it to me, and even though I'd never spoken to him in person, I texted him every day about random stuff (I knew nothing about him so we just talked about school). Three days later, I came out to myself. So I thought to myself, if I come out to him, we'll be best friends! So the next day, I walk up to him and tell him that I want to talk to him after school. He obliged. After school, shaking and about to pass out, I tell him I'm gay. He embraced me—I was literally about to cry because of how happy I was. The love of my life was hugging me. This meant he would be my friend, and we'd always be with each other! I text him later that evening, thanking him for accepting me and talking to me. He responds that he is glad that I came out to him "despite not knowing me for very long". He also says that he is always there to talk to me whenever I want. I was so happy. The next day, I asked him about how he came out to himself, and he responded normally to me. I then told him something along the lines of "I feel weird around others now" and then the worst thing happened. He said that he knows that I lied to him to get his number and was uncomfortable that I came out to him. In his words, "this cannot continue". He then blocked me on Facebook. I was devastated. I lay there crying for at least two hours, if not more. I had no drive to do anything. I had a terrible fever and I was in bed for the rest of the weekend. When we got back to school on Monday, he avoided being around me and I was scared shitless of him. Every night I cried myself to sleep. I thought my life was over. I attempted to kill myself and I started cutting myself (which I still do). Two months later, things deescalated. When I was talking to a friend of mine and he was in the same room with us, he indirectly responded to something that I said without mentioning me or making eye contact with me. That's a start, I thought to myself. A little bit later, I spoke to him about something strictly school-related. He answered me with a normal face and looked at me. One of our mutual friends told me that he thinks I'm annoying and creepy. Gradually, this sort of thing continued until the other day, he initiated a brief conversation with me because he accidentally took something of mine. He gave it back to me and said something with a slight smile. Then, while I was arguing with another kid about politics, he also contributed and asked me who I supported. Later that same day, he sent me a follow request on Instagram. I accepted it, and followed him too. Later that day, I sent him a Facebook request from another account he didn't block. He accepted that too. That same night, I came out to everyone on facebook, and he texted me saying that he was proud of me (he also complained about the wording of my post because it made it seem like I said being gay was a choice; he was upset about that and that's possibly the reason he texted me). I was overwhelmed with happiness. It seemed as if everything was getting back on track. However, yesterday (the day after I came out) the same mutual friend of mine who's close with him said that he said that I'm creepy and that I went too far by coming out on Facebook. This kind of back and forth continued for a while, sometimes he was nice to my and other times he was cold towards me. I decided I'd invite him to go to a movie with me and a close friend of his to make him comfortable, and he ended up tricking us into going and he never showed up. And this whole time I've had a lot of trouble with my parents about me being gay bc they're not ok with it and he always gave me advice. So one day at school his earphones broke and I gave him $100 cash to buy new ones and he hugged me again and started telling people I "bought a hug" from him and that he would start selling me dates and kisses and stuff like that which hurt me even more. He had me blocked on snapchat until I asked him to add me (he denied blocking me) and even then he blocked me from seeing his stories and told me to never send him anything so after two months I got fed up and confessed this all to him over text. He responded and basically told me to forget about him and for me to "get help". Then he blocked me on snap chat again but not on Facebook or Instagram. I'm really confused overwhelmed and really depressed and I have no clue what to do. I have no friends and no one to help me I'm all alone and I don't know how to handle this anymore. I can't live this depressed and constantly thinking about suicide and hurting myself all the time it's too much to handle.
     
  2. RedDragon2427

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    First of all, props to you for coming out! Happy for you:slight_smile:

    But, that is so sad. Screw him, honestly. He's not worth wasting your time over. You'll develop so many crushes as your life progresses and you'll eventually get over him. If I were treated like that, I wouldn't waste another second on him. He really doesn't seem like friend material at all.

    Also, who cares if you lied to him to get his number... I would've been flattered. It's not something that he should have been offended over.
     
  3. faustian1

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    You don't need to "get help" on account of that guy. He enjoys the attention, and it enhances his social media "market capitalization."

    But you do need to get help. I've been where you are. The problem is that you let the other person control the entire transaction. You offered friendship, got little in return, and then blamed yourself for the entire interaction--not just your part.

    There is a principle of social psychology that magically causes people to call "creepy" or dislike people who "try too hard" in ways that you have. Sometimes, as I'm sure you've noticed, some people with poor internal balance are more drawn to people who treat them like shit. That too is quite dysfunctional.

    So it's a big, big problem that, in addition to mistakes that you've made, you have internalized the blame for all the crap that is his fault, and are punishing yourself with self harm. You should know that I am very aware of just how hard it is to change this natural inclination, if you have it. Changing it requires self confidence and, after an episode such as the one you've gone through, self confidence is in very short supply.

    The usual trajectory of these situations is that you will go from being infatuated with the person and then, after quite some time, will end up completely hating the person. In other words, you'll transfer the punishment from yourself, to him. The problem of course, is that we then tend to go on and repeat this process, with another person.

    I'd like to encourage you to see this is a problem of your own perception, but not to see the other person's problems as yours. Some of his behavior seems consistent with bullying and taking advantage of your weakness. This is not your fault. Not everyone is a brilliant self-promoter with five thousand facebook friends. If you're weak, it is not an excuse for someone to perform social euthanasia.

    Now that you've come out and made clear who you are, please take the opportunity to see who supports you, and who does not. And those who do, pay some attention to. Your support sometimes will come from places you least expect. Don't close your mind to it.
     
  4. JAA1297

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    Thanks for the responses! I know I should move on and forget him because he was so mean to me, but I just love him so much I don't know how to move on and this whole situation is causing me a lot of distress and sadness
     
  5. CharacterStudy

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    He's being an idiot. His behaviour is not good. He may have his own stuff to deal with but he seems to be treating you badly, for no justifiable reason. For your own mental health you need to step away from him. Faustian makes some very good points, please listen to him.
     
  6. JAA1297

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    He just blocked me on Facebook for no reason and I'm so upset right now I've literally been in my room for a long time just cutting myself and I'm in so much pain and idk what to do this is too much for me
     
  7. faustian1

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    I'm so sorry. I have felt alone like you feel now, and no one should be in the position you are in. My friend, please visit this website: http://www.itgetsbetter.org/pages/get-help/
    The website was created as a project of journalist Dan Savage. I have pointed you in the direction of a page with several hotline numbers on it.

    Please consider calling one or more of these numbers now. I think you will reach someone who will listen to your pain. I know you have no one you trust, and no friends who can support you. Please get some affirmation if possible by calling.

    And in the longer run, I think you could use a counselor or therapist who will listen to you. I've been in the low place you are now in. I know it will not offer immediate help, but please know that I moved on from that place, got out of school and now, many years later, i am glad that I lived. Please hear me say that. I am glad that I lived. As Dan Savage has written, it did get better. It can for you too, even after you have nowhere to turn.

    ---------- Post added 26th Aug 2016 at 08:26 PM ----------

    PS my friend. Make sure you also use, on the page I linked, the "Find Help and Resources In Your Area" drop-down list, for the Washington DC area. There are many organizations listed whose mission is to reach out to people in pain. In the coming week, let them help you.