Hi everyone. First i apologize for my bad english grammar as it's not my first language. I am posting here because i'm in need of help and advices. I met a guy 5 months ago that was younger than me on a gay application (I'm 28, he was 20) and we saw each others one night. Then we kept talking on the internet and he invited me to his place (he is living with his parents as it's quite the norm here in Thailand to still live with your parents until 23-24). His father has a steak restaurant and his mother is working at the market. I was suppose to go there for a few days but i ended up there for a month. After 2 weeks together, we felt a good connection for each others and decided to kind of 'make it official' i guess you can say. For the first month, everything was good. I was helping daily at the restaurant and he was helping me getting to know the city and places around. Then one day.... he was at school and i was cleaning the spoons at his restaurant. I remembered at that time that i forgotten to delete my account on the gay application site so i went to delete it and when i went to do so, i saw he was online with his profile and a picture of his d***. Another guy sent me a message and asked me if it was my boyfriend (i have no idea how he knew that) and he sent me a message that my boyfriend sent to him with a picture of his genital. I broke down and started to cry heavily and let him know that i knew about the situation and i was going back home. Then i went to his mother and sister and i cried in them arms. Then my boyfriend told me to not go, he was gonna comeback right now and he was crying and saying he was sorry. That night, we went out to drink with his family and i got into an argument with him (i was drunk) and i was crying telling me how could you do that to me. Then i didn't see him for 2 days and after that i choosed to forgive him (I think it was a mistake on my part because it lead to bigger problems afterwards). So i went back to his house and once again, things started to be better. Then one day, his father invited me to stay with them and that i would just have to give some money. I was really happy by his invitation and i saw this as an opportunity to spend more time with my bf and get to know him more. But at that time my boyfriend said he didn't want because he need time for himself (which i understood because he is still young and i didn't want to pressure him). Then one night, we were watching a movie and i was laying on him and then my back was scratching so i moved a bit and my boyfriend made a very very strange reaction. He kind of like tried to hide is phone (i wasn't even knowing he was on phone i was just going to scratch my back.) When i saw that, it was really too suspicious so i took his phone and i saw he was on the site again!! I couldn't believe it. I knew at that time that i had to drop him because it didn't make sense to do that to me after only 2 months 2 times! But he told me he made a fake account because his friend wanted him to ask something to his friend boyfriend (which i absolutely didn't believed). But once again i forgave him (Huge mistake on my part, i know...). Then after that i didn't trusted him like before (at that point i had rent an appartment alone here in his hometown because as i said, he wanted me to go out). When we weren't together i was very suspicious of what he would do and i will admit that when i was seeing him, i was looking at his phone (i was asking him before always, i didn't took his phone and looked in it without asking). Then sometimes we fought. At the beginning when we fought, we threw insult to each others (things like: go f*** yourself, i don't like you, you're a b****) and things like that. To be honest it didn't really affected me. We always forgave each others. But then one day he told me something that really hurted me. A month ago we fought and we decided to have a little break and he added another guy on his facebook. I asked him who he was and he told me it was a guy that he knew from a long time from a game. Then i was like oh ok no problems. Then 2 days after he came with me (I'm a teacher here and we met the friend of his mother because i was going to teach her daughter) and i found out on his phone and he actually met the guy on the same site and he sent naked pictures of him!!! I started to cry and i couldn't believed it. Then he told me how sorry he was (you know, the same thing, the same story...) and i forgave him (You can call me an idiot at this point, i know i am.) Then recently we fought again. In his head i'm a violent alcohoolic and he don't like if i drink. The reason why he think like that is because one night we fought together after we drank and he was sitting on the bed and i was standing up. Then we were talking and he stood up and said 'i go' (we were in my room), but while he said that, he pushed me. So i pushed him back and i said 'don't push me i didn't pushed you' and he started to run away crying. Few days after we met each others and we both agreed that what we did was not ok. But a few day ago (i wasn't with him) i was at a birthday party of a friend and i put a picture of me on my facebook and in the picture there was a beer (yes i drank that night). And he started to tell me how could you do that to me, why you drink, why are you lying to me. I apologized and told him that i didn't meant to hurt me and i know i did and that i will try to not do that in the future. Then he started to use some words that he knew would really hurt me inside. Then he wrote on his facebook that i would get hurt 'really bad' and it got me scared and angry to be honest so i drove to him (he lives around 15km from here) and i said what is your problem honestly? Like you're threatening me and you say all this bad stuff (i have to admit my part of wrongs though: when he said bad stuffs, i did respond saying bad stuff too but the same as we used to do before like: f words, stuff like that.). Then he said something in my face and it was just too much. He told me: Anyway i don't care about you and i don't love you, go lose your fat (i have a bit of a belly) and then he added (this is what completely destroyed me inside): Anyway i will go get fuck by Nathan this week-end, he will do me better than you (Nathan is the name of the guy he shared pictures to when i went for the teaching.) I started to cry, i literally broke down and i punched him 1 time in his face and 1 time in his door. I said how could you said that to me and i went away. We broke up after this and i haven't seen him since. I feel very wrong about what happened. I felt wrong because i felt i was abused psychologically by his words and manipulated but i also feel wrong because he was the person i loved the most and i feel like i've hurted him and i did him wrong. I have a very self-esteem while he has a high self-esteem so i think he knew that if he started to talk about the Nathan situation when he knew it hurted me, it would break me inside. I shouldn't have hit him and i deeply regret that. I also regret that i didn't left him after the 2 (3?) times he went on gay website. Because it made me fall in love with him and even today i am hurt inside and i don't feel well at all. Is anyone here that been through a similar situation and can give me advice please? I feel like we both hurted each others and i'm crushed inside because to be honest i don't think he's a bad person and i wish him the best, i think he was just young and immature and he didn't know the impact of words can have. But at the same time, i feel like i've hurt him so much obviously because i punched him but also because i played his game all along and i said bad things to him that i shouldn't of said. Thanks you.. I would like to add that i'm already in the process of finding a new work in a new city. I cannot stay at the same place where i used to stay with him because of all the memories and after all, it's his hometown here and i don't want him to be uncomfortable if he see me. I think it's better to go away and turn the page. But as of right now, it's very difficult for me
