Hi all, I have been with my girlfriend for 3.5 years, but we were in love for 3 years prior to that. We are both very much still in love although our relationship has not always been plain sailing due to family and coming out issues. We are very young in our 20s, however she keeps telling me she is unsure about a future with me due to the fact she cannot realistically seeing herself have children with a woman (she is bisexual). We both want children in the future and it is very important to us. This is sad and frustrating to hear that despite our close and strong relationship this is the one reason she does not think our relationship will last. The fact is we are both still very young and have years before either of us is ready to settle down marry and have children so I feel it is a bit premature to talk about this now, as her feelings may change in the future. She isn't really knowledgeable about options for same-sex couples having children and I feel if it was something we consider one day, we would have to do a lot of research before hand anyway. Also We do not have any gay friends and I feel our lack of contact with other gay couples experiencing the same or similar things is part of the problem. I personally do not see the point in staying with someone if you aren't aligned in what you want in the future, so if she really means what she says then perhaps the relationship should end. But on the other hand I feel she is just making these comments as she is scared and uncertain about how it would work out. Either way I cant stop thinking about this. Wondering if anyone has experience similar issues. Any advice on what to do would be great. Thanks for reading. Mia x
I haven't been in your situation. As someone who doesn't see myself having kids in the future, it'd be a major issue for me. I wouldn't want to be the reason my partner couldn't be a parent. Its interesting that your girlfriend wants kids too. Just not with another woman? I think you need to talk with her. Ask what exactly is the reason she can't see being a parent with someone of the same sex. If she's not aware about the pregnancy options available for same sex couples that might be confusing her. She could be concerned about the biological child aspect. It might be the lack of normalcy of same sex partners in society. You can be open to something but feel reluctant just cause your not familiar with it. Also since you guys are young, her opinion on kids could definitely change. Remember it might not though. I wouldn't say it's cause to end your relationship right now but it's something to always be alert to. Besides talking with your girlfriend you can try showing her examples of other same-sex couples who might have had doubts but are happily raising a family. I'm sure there's plenty online, likely to be forums specifically for lgbt parents too. Best of luck!
Thank you for the response. Its much appreciated Yeah she worries about not having a father figure and says it doesn't "feel right".. even though she loves me and wants us to stay together, its just the kids thing that bothers her. Thanks for the advice. I will definitely talk to her when she's back from her family holiday and see how it goes. Will look out for forums too. x
Give it some time. It's hard to tell what the future will bring, and you two really shouldn't be too worried about this. :/ Now, if you want to have kids in the near future that's one thing, but from what you said it seems like kids is just a distant thing in the future for you two... Anyway, I say give it time because I really don't see any other way to prove to her the relationship will last other than that. If you guys are older and she just doesn't want kids, well, that's another matter, but it seems to me that you both plan to have kids, and are in love with each other. Just don't worry about it! Seriously, paranoia and jealousy are the two things that I think end relationships the most often. There doesn't seem to be a real problem here just yet, so don't go out of your way to fix it.
I think you're right and I am being paranoid and making it more of an issue than it needs to be. Will bear that in mind and have a chat with her when she's back. Thanks for the response and help. :icon_bigg
If there's a concern about the child having a lack of a father figure, you could have one of your close male friend's or a family member to step in. That way, the child will have a male influence. Many lesbian couples who are concerned have father substitutes for their children, as do the gay male couples who have a mother substitute.
For the father figure thing, invite someone to fulfill that role. It could be a friend, a brother, cousin, or one of your Dads ("Grandpa"). The child will still have a male influence, but it wouldn't be their real father. This isn't even unique to same sex couples. Lots of single parents are around these days that can't fulfill both roles. Or you could have biological parents but the Dad could be shitty and abusive, and not a real father figure at all. I didn't have a good relationship with my Dad growing up, and clung to my uncle as a father figure.
Could you have a godfather, or sponsor (if non-religious), to provide father figure. If you were late twenties, early thirties, due to women's biological clocks, I'd be recommended (gay or straight relationship) to make sure you're on the same page. I've seen some horrible real life relationships where a couple can't agree on children, and it drags on with one hoping, and then it's too late. As you are younger, I think you've still got time to explore this with her. It also sounds like she's not entirely comfortable yet with being with a woman.
