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Need Advice on someone who lied about age.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by elyell77, Sep 1, 2016.

  1. elyell77

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    Hi All, newbie here.

    I need some advice however I think I already know what people are going to say. I've been seeing a guy who I met online off and on for a few months. He had told me he was 36, two years younger than me. Long story short, I had some suspicions, did some snooping and found out he's 53! On top of that, I found out that one evening when we hung out it was actually his bday and he didn't tell me....I felt awful! I got him to fess up and I kind of let it go and told him age is just a number. Although I do believe that, the lying and deception is eating away at me! And it's not like he lied by a couple years, he lied by 18 and had me thinking I was older. I'm angry, sad, feel betrayed, etc. I'm like who is this guy and what else could he be lying about?!?!? At the same time over the last month I've really started to fall for him and I was kind of duped into falling for someone older. He's been away and isn't back until next week so I have time to flesh out my next move.

    Any thoughts? I'm so flustered by this, I've been a mess!
     
  2. faustian1

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    So it actually worked, as you're kind of falling for him.

    It's no surprise that guys lie on hookup venues, as there is rampant ageism out there. However, it's not a good way to begin a friendship. On one hand it could be a serious self-esteem issue, and on the other it could be a systematically deceptive person.

    If you feel like you are attracted to him, you should discuss this at length with him quick.
     
  3. elyell77

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    Thanks, of course in my own insecurities I'm scared he won't feel the same way or he'll be angry that I'm bringing the age thing up about feeling deceived.

    Like I said, he's away until next week so I won't be saying anything for a little bit.
     
  4. faustian1

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    He doesn't have the slightest right to be angry about you bringing it up. In fact, he should be grateful that you don't tell him to piss off. This kind of thing is very common. Often, in the seedier hookup venues (there's a famous "list" that a lot of people use), this sort of thing is very common. I don't know what these guys expect, when they meet up with someone who will obviously notice they aren't as young as claimed.

    If you are insecure about this, please be careful. It wouldn't be good to hook up with a manipulator.

    On a related thing, it doesn't seem unusual for these differing-age attractions to occur in the gay male community. Usually though, the motive is stated up front. Not always though. If you are attracted to older guys, then tell him this, but also mention that you're concerned that he wasn't transparent about this up front.
     
  5. elyell77

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    What do you mean there's a "famous" list?

    And I guess when I see him again (if I do see him again), I'll just be honest and tell him that I feel betrayed and played.
     
  6. faustian1

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    If you look up Craig Newmark, you'll get what I meant. The admins of this site appear to discourage mentioning hookup site names specifically.

    Anyway, it's great to be honest about it, because if you're interested in being friends with him you might as well start out on the path of openly discussing this sort of thing.
     
  7. elyell77

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    Ah, I get it, understood.

    Thank you for your advice, I was really feeling low about this (have been drinking a bit too much from it) so I really needed to vent my frustrations.

    It's just the feeling of being played that hurts me so bad.
     
  8. faustian1

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    I don't know if it will help, but misery does love company sometimes. I am re-evaluating my relationship with some of these internet venues, after an event that occurred nearly five months ago. It mirrors your feeling of "being played." I'm working through it, and I think it did help me to clarify that I needed to lower my expectations of this sort of thing. It also reminded me to seek out connections in the community that involve something a little more diversified and deeper.

    Also, many years ago due to a lot of life's frustrations and a sense of failure in general (which only partly had to do with sexual orientation), I found that I was drinking too much as well. If this is a temporary thing for you, then that's all well and good. If it isn't, then maybe it's something to think about. I addressed that problem too, and I've never been happier about something I did for myself. This isn't intended to be a sermon on the subject, just a statement that you shouldn't feel alone or unique in this.

    I can see from what you've written that you're looking for more friends and, most likely, a relationship too. I hope you succeed. It's a tough job, but having good friends should be worth it.
     
  9. Chip

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    I might have a different opinion than a lot of others here.

    Fundamental dishonesty that early in the relationship is, in my opinion, a predictor of dishonesty later. Integrity and authenticity matters. Someone who presents himself as 15 years younger than he actually is is not someone I'd go out with. Either he's a liar, he has terrible self-esteem, or both. Either of those would be a dealbreaker for me.
     
  10. elyell77

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    Thank you, I have a lot of thinking to do. I wish I could just grab the emotions I feel for him and throw them in the trash!
     
  11. CameOutSwinging

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    The biggest issue to me now seems to be that you don't trust him because of this lie. And I don't blame you. You've caught him in a pretty huge lie, and like Chip said, it potentially means that he will lie about many other things. He's planted a gigantic seed of doubt in your head and you may never get past it. Probably best to cut ties now. A relationship needs trust, respect, and love to work. You already have lost trust, and it sounds like there was a lack of respect given how he lied to you. Love isn't enough to make a relationship work. You need all three.
     
  12. AlmostBlue

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    I think lying that much about his age is certainly a deal breaker. It clearly shows that he isn't looking for a serious relationship or he is incapable of having one. He must have known that at one point you will find out his true age. He can't hide it forever. Yet he decided to lie shortsightedly, and that to me doesn't seem like something someone would do if they are looking for a trusting long term relationship.

    On a unrelated note, I am impressed that he could pass as 36 when he was actually 53...He must look very young, but that's completely beside the point...
     
  13. robclem21

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    I agree 100% with this. If someone can lie about something as simple as age, then it doesn't really bode well for building a solid foundation later on in the relationship. I find it even harder to get back trust over the little things.
     
  14. elyell77

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    Thank you all, I know I need to tell him to go away. The thing that sucks though is that the heart wants what the heart wants and when I hear from him next week I don't know if I'll be able to resist.

    I think I need to be up front with him and go from there.
     
  15. RavenWing

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    I think that you should cut ties with him now and end your relationship with him. It is best to be upfront about the issue and tell him how you feel. A relationship should be built on love, honesty, respect, and trust, and his lying to you and deceiving you will/would only cause problems in the future. He planted a seed of distrust, and I know how hard it is to get past that. The next time you see him, if you do, confront him about the issue and have a serious discussion with him. Let him be open and tell you his side of the story, and go from there. I wish you good luck and I hope that you get the problem resolved and that you two can part ways peacefully.
     
  16. duff0286

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    I agree with a lot of what people say on here, but I am going to play devil's advocate here.

    So a lie at the start of the relationship is a long road to nowhere, however, he probably thought that a 36 year old would never be interested in a 53 year old, and if he can pass for 36, then congratulations to him.

    If things did develop, he probably would have told you, although a stupid risk on his part to take.

    You shouldn't be so hurt over this. You have barely began a relationship. We all know men are bastards... even the good ones (I don't mean that they are all promiscuous by that comment and I am also not female)

    Just listen to his side of the story, It seems to me that he is lying to himself more than he is lying to you. He might have had a lot of knock backs from good looking men because of his age. There may be things that have caused him to lie to you. Has he told you whether guys have been ageist towards him?

    What he did was wrong, but life isn't always black and white. If he gets defensive then forget him, but you never know, he might just say the things you want or need to hear to forgive him.
     
  17. Anthemic

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    I'm sorry that he lied to you. I think he did it because he was ashamed of his age. My mom is 54, and she hates getting older. She's also attracted to younger men. If I were you, I'd confront him about it and tell him your worries. If you still feel like he's lying, then I'd go as far as running a background check. Some people may not like this idea, but I think it's best to feel safe, especially since he has already lied to you. It's hard to trust someone after they've lied. But, that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve another chance. I truly believe he deserves another chance to be upfront. Just because he lied, doesn't mean he doesn't care. He was probably just extremely worried you'd reject him because of his age.
     
    #17 Anthemic, Sep 3, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2016
  18. PatrickUK

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    For me, it's a red flag when somebody lies about something so significant and I'd have serious trust issues that would prevent me from taking things to another level.

    Yes, there is a lot of ageism within the LGBT community and he may have had this in mind when he put a false age onto his profile, but that's not a good excuse. If he has a problem with his age, he needs to own it and deal with it, not lie about it.

    This is one of the reasons why you should have a webcam conversation with someone you meet online first. A genuine person will have no problems doing this and it should settle your mind before you arrange dates.

    Really think about what has happened before you become more invested in this guy. I don't think it's a trivial issue that you can put to one side. Most importantly, learn from it.
     
  19. Anthemic

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    Everyone has given great advice. I see that most people think you should leave him because of such a lie, which seems more logical. But, I gave you my answer based on emotions, since I'm more emotional and tend to follow my heart instead of my brain. I hope the decision you make ends well. Good luck!
     
  20. AlmostBlue

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    I like the different perspectives on this thread. I think it's good to have a sympathetic view as well, but at the same time, having too much sympathy can cloud your judgement, especially when you're in a relationship and you want things to work.

    In this case, if he had a problem with his age, he should've mentioned that upfront. He could've told you that he's uncomfortable mentioning his age, or joke about trying to guess each other's age. Instead, he lied to the point of making you older than him, all the while knowing that the truth must come out eventually...That's just ridiculous. This isn't just about lying and trust issues, but it also shows his lack of maturity as an adult. There were many other ways he could've communicated his issues around age with you, but he chose the worst way possible.