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Can't get over a could've-been relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Paradoxiolitic, Sep 1, 2016.

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  1. Paradoxiolitic

    Paradoxiolitic
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    Hello all, I'll keep things short. If someone asks for more, I'll be glad. But for now, to not bore people with s wall of text:

    I'm male. Met a girl at college, we become close friends. A couple of months in, she tells me she's fallen for me and is willing to break up her current relationship for me. I tell her, as I believed at the time, that I'm gay. She accepts it and we become even closer friends. Two months later I find myself crushing heavily on her. Got my world turned upside down and I began questioning myself. She had already gotten her relationship with her boyfriend back on track and it was solid once again. It's been over two years now, but I still haven't moved on from it. From time to time I'll revisit the memories and imagine what it could've been. We're still really close friends, but don't talk as much since we don't have any more common classes. Deep down the feelings are still there...
    I'd really really really like some closure for this. Any advice?

    Thanks
     
    #1 Paradoxiolitic, Sep 1, 2016
  2. HuskyLover

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    Well, have you tried talking to her about it? Tell her how you feel, but that you're happy with how things turned out and you wouldn't want to change it (just an example, maybe you don't feel this way, what do I know?)

    Something else that you should keep in mind is that most relationships don't actually last forever. Which means, if you were to start dating her back then, you might have been breaking up in the near/distant future. In my opinion you should be happy to have her as a really close friend, because those are harder to lose.

    Another thing that pops up into my mind, which is how I personally think, is if someone you're in love with/have a crush on would develop feelings for you and dump their current partner for you, they wouldn't really be someone I'd trust or even want to be with. What I mean with that is that they could do the same thing to you in the future, dump you for someone else, because that's how they work.
     
    #2 HuskyLover, Sep 1, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2016
  3. slickrick

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    So glad you wrote "could've" instead of "could of." I really hate that.

    x
     
    #3 slickrick, Sep 2, 2016
  4. Paradoxiolitic

    Paradoxiolitic
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    The thought of telling her has crossed my minds in some moments, but it has been some time since the last one. Although I don't believe she'd have an overly negative reaction, I really don't know what to expect. She is a really good person, I truly believe that, but having your ex-crush tell you that now he likes you after you've repatched your now 5-year-old-and-going relationship might stir up some weird feelings... All in all I don't know if it's worth it.

    Your last paragraph does really describe what I've also reflected upon. But still, rationality quickly fades and I go back to imagining what it could've been... Not very healthy, I think.

    I do know for a fact that she actively lied to her boyfriend at the time of this episode (she told me). He was suspicious that there could've been "another guy" - apparently she had begun acting weird. She however told him there was no one, and confided in me. So yeah, those things do really seem to raise a red flag, however ultimately I choose to remain friends and the feelings linger. I have even developed a crush for one of my best guy friends (straight guy who has a long term girlfriend, another rehash of a straight friend crush), and yet both sustain themselves. The guy crush illusion wore off because it's obvious he wouldn't be interest, but my brain insists on giving me hopes of something more with the girl.

    I do want to keep on being friends, though closure for this is really desired.

    And is that your husky? He/She is so cute :slight_smile:

    My pleasure hahahahaha
     
    #4 Paradoxiolitic, Sep 2, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2016
  5. HuskyLover

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    No, it's not my husky, but I do wish it was... :icon_sad:

    On a more serious note, if you want a proper closure, I really think you have to talk to her. Sure, it's awkward and you might stir up some feelings, but you could also make your friendship with her even stronger. With that said, just tell her that you're telling her because you want a closure and can't get peace of mind before you've done so. If she's as amazing as you claim her to be, I doubt it will change things in a negative way, perhaps she'd even be grateful for finally letting her know. :slight_smile:
     
    #5 HuskyLover, Sep 2, 2016
  6. Paradoxiolitic

    Paradoxiolitic
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    It is an awesome Husky indeed :')

    Even though I've been having her believe I was totally gay this whole time? Sounds kind of backstabey :frowning2:, especially after all the conversations we had... But I don't suppose it could backfire horrendously... Thanks once again!
     
    #6 Paradoxiolitic, Sep 2, 2016
  7. WhiteShadows

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    I think you might have to talk to her about it... But you are right, it could stir things up with their relationship, but you might just have to talk anyway. Maybe if want you want is closure so you can move on, you can let her know that you just wanted closure and some help in getting over the feelings, cause you don't want to damage their relationship.

    Hope that helps
     
    #7 WhiteShadows, Sep 2, 2016
  8. duff0286

    duff0286
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    Do you think that you are more in love with the way your friendship is? What I mean is, Do you picture her in all these sexual scenarios?
    Part of me wonders whether she was your one way ticket to "normality"
    I am not being judgmental here, I am genuinely trying to help.
    Is it possible that with her and your guy friend, you are sub-consciously after people you know you can't have?
    I certainly had my experiences of that. Don't torture yourself. If you take the girl and the guy out of the equation and imagine they don't exist. What do you want from a partner in life? You may find that neither of these people can give you what you really want. There's a big world outside and perhaps the love of your life is at home, ten minutes away making coffee, except you won't meet him/her for another year. Life is full of possibilities, yours is not based on what either of these people feel or don't feel for you. You might not know it now, but you may one day.

    I'll follow this thread. Take care and good luck.:thumbsup:
     
    #8 duff0286, Sep 4, 2016
  9. bjanna

    bjanna
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    A lot of times we imagine things we didn't get in the best way possible, and block out the negatives about the person or situation. Be glad her relationship is better now and that she's happy. I would also suggest talking to her about it, she seems kind and open minded, so I'm sure she would help you and tell you her own feelings.
     
    #9 bjanna, Sep 4, 2016
  10. HuskyLover

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    Even though you believe it might sound backstabey, I do believe she has to accept that people go through difficult times. If she doesn't, then she's kind of selfish.
     
    #10 HuskyLover, Sep 4, 2016
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