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Crush wants to see me again- But I'm scared and disappointed

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Biguy10, Sep 1, 2016.

  1. Biguy10

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    So, quick details. I’m a bisexual guy in my early 20s. I’m on the closet and my guy crush too. A year ago, we went out for some time and I thought we were really into each other, but he suddently changed and it was over. That time, he disappeared and ignored me in a sudden way (although some stuff with ex-girlfriend might have motivated him, if you want the details see my older posts). I tried to reach for him a couple of times, but all I got were excuses and rejection.

    Some months ago I got a dreamed job in my career and it caught his attention immediately, he is in a similar career path as me so it didn't surprise me. He started talking to me again, and all of the sudden he wants to see me again, but it’s pretty obvious that just for sex. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with having some fun with him, but the thing is, last time we started with this little game, I came out heart broken, and to be honest I have not got over him at all.

    I know for sure he doesn't want anything more than sex and I don't even know if I'm ready or want something more than just sex, since we are both on the closet, but I have idealized this for so long that I'm afraid I will be hurt after we hook up and then he disappears again.

    Isn’t it weird for him to come after me again just because I got this job? I really want to see him (and I will) but I can’t help to feel a little disappointed and a little afraid of being hurt at the same time.
     
  2. faustian1

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    If you can, try to look at this logically. It is weird for him to come after you again just because you got that job. It could be a crass attempt at networking, or something of that nature. Perhaps your employer is more desirable than his, and he'd like a connection.

    Next, consider the cost of some good sex. You wrote that you "know for sure he doesn't want anything more than sex." Which means you have no doubt at all. You also wrote that you aren't over him.

    It would be much more logical to get on one of those abundant hookup apps and find some hot booty, and get yourself some. By your own estimation, if you get casual sex from him you may end up strung out emotionally (again), trying to get over him.

    Also, it should give you pause that perhaps his motive is using you for employment related reasons. Or, maybe he didn't think much of your potential, before you made this progress. Either way, it pretty much sucks.

    In my responses, I'm usually all for deeper connections instead of hookups. This is one of those cases where I'm going against the grain of my usual inclinations.
     
  3. AlmostBlue

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    I agree with Faustian, I think you should trust your feelings of trepidation and not get in touch with him. It may be hard because there's a big part in you that just wants to see him, but he was a flake and a jerk before, and now that he's contacted you after your getting your job, he seems even more shady. Nothing good can come out of this except your temporary high of being able to see him again. I would also say that this is also a question of self respect. I think if you have enough respect for yourself, you wouldn't let yourself fall back into the same situation as before, even worse this time.
     
  4. Biguy10

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    Hi guys,
    I'm an idiot. I know you guys gave me some advice about not seeing him and how it could make me feel even worse, but off course I didn’t listen.

    So, he contacted me again, and I just couldn’t say no, actually I said yes right away, that’s the kind of power he has over me. I went to his place one day his roommate was out (remember we are both on the closet), we talked for a good period of time and off course we had sex. Oh! And the thing about his possible attempt of networking was not the case, that wasn’t his interest.

    The thing is, he is the strangest person I’ve met regarding the signals he gives. When we see each other and when we have sex, he seems as the most interest person in the world, and we have a lot of chemistry in everything, and that just makes me lose my mind and fall for him. He is very good looking and we share the same interests in almost everything. I would say he is the closest I’ve gotten to meet another me lol (in fact we look alike). This is great, but once I leave and the days pass by, he starts with this weird behavior in which it seems he now wants to avoid me and all the fun we had and all the interest he had are gone. And don’t believe that I act all stalkish and I give him a good reason to avoid me, he just ignores even the most little attempt to connect again after we see each other. This was exactly the same behavior he had when he disappeared a year ago.

    I just feel like an idiot because it makes me mad that I put myself in this position again. I know we are both on the closet and that we can’t really think about a real partnership, but I idealize having some sort of relationship with him, because I believe we are perfect for each other since we are so similar, and simply can’t understand how he doesn’t see it.

    Now I feel I hate him and I feel used. How he contacted me numerous times and acted all interested and perfect until we finally met, just to ignore me once again after it happened makes me furious.

    Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get this out.
     
  5. JonSomebody

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    Okay...but you know what??? you knew the outcome when you decided to say YES to meeting with this guy. Therefore, once you've made up your mind to disregard the advice you were asking for and precede to meet with him. Then perhaps you should have also convinced yourself that you are putting yourself in the line of this situation not having the outcome that you were looking for. It was very apparent with your words for me in your initial post that you have feelings for this guy but what you've find hurtful is that he does not feel the same about you. As far as I'm concerned ...you have no one but yourself to blame for your decision. There is no need to feel hate for this guy or feel you were being used because he did not make you say YES to meeting him or putting yourself in that position. As adults...when we make decisions such as yours then we also have to accept the circumstances that comes along with those choices we make whether they are good or bad.
     
  6. AlmostBlue

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    I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you had listened to us, because it was pretty obvious to me just from your descriptions that he is incredibly shady and irresponsible, and no good relationship can come out of that.

    I think partly the problem is how much you idolize him. In your old posts you referred to him as "perfect", which is a very unrealistic way of beginning a relationship. Also, just because you two are similar in many ways, that doesn't make it good for each other. Similar interests is only one factor of a relationship, and there are many more important aspects that one should consider, like how you communicate. I also don't see much similarity between you two in terms of what you want and how you communicate them. That's where you need to be the most similar, in my opinion.

    I think it's totally understandable to be mad at him. I don't think everything can be neatly assigned a blame or a cause. You were definitely partly responsible for seeing him, but he is a jerk for disappearing the first time, ignoring you, then coming back, becoming intimate, only to discard you again in silence. That is objectively an incredibly douchy thing to do, and if anger helps you reinterpret this situation properly, I say that's a good thing. It's usually a process and after a while hopefully you'll start seeing what you could've done better.

    It's sometimes hard to get over feelings of infatuation, as it makes as act hastily and clouds our judgement. Try to be aware that you are incredibly infatuated with him for this idea that you two are similar and that he's really good looking. This infatuation is pretty much an illusion, and I hope you can try to get over it actively.
     
  7. robclem21

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    You need to just cut off ties with this guy and move on. Harder said then done, but it's really the only thing that is going to help you move on. You don't need that type of negativity in your life and you don't deserve to feel that way.

    At one point or another we have all done something like that. Gone back to someone we know it won't work with because we are holding onto the tiniest bit of hope. It's natural to want what you do and even though you got good advice, what you did wasn't a surprise. The mind and body want what it wants.

    You should forgive yourself and realize your actions were human and normal. But now that you realize the consequences and feel them, theres no better time to convince yourself its time to move on and get rid of this guy for good. You deserve better so take some control back over your life and feelings.
     
  8. Biguy10

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    You guys are completely right. I know I have idolized him and the idea of a relationship with him too much. I can come up with several things that I don’t really like about him (for example bad sex lol) or that wouldn’t allow the relationship to work and I would still “forgive them” just because it was him, and I should not think that way.

    I think I got so obsessed with him because I believed finding a guy like him is a one-time thing, and I mean finding a guy I really like, with same interests, with the same family background and on top of that for him to be attracted to guys as well. It’s just that I believe it’s so difficult for a guy, specially a bisexual guy in the closet, to find someone in a similar situation and I thought he was the one I was looking for. When I said we are perfect for each other, that's what I meant, we are perfect because we are in the same situation.

    But I know you guys are right, and I will try to just cut off all the contact with him so I can get over this stupid obsession.
     
    #8 Biguy10, Sep 23, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2016
  9. AlmostBlue

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    Yes I can understand why you'd feel that way. However, I think you will soon realize that there are actually hundreds of guys out there with similar background and similar interests who like guys (in different variations and degrees, but you'll still feel that connection). I have a feeling you just started exploring dating with guys, and that's why you find this guy to be of such rare specimen, but I think in a few years you will look back at this and wonder why you thought he was so special! You can hold me to this and report back in a few years! For the moment, it looks like you've gotten a good grasp on this matter so hopefully you won't relapse. Good luck