Hey everyone. So recently I've admitted to myself 100% that I AM GAY. I can no longer hide this part of me, or at least suppress the feelings. I've known since I was in about 7th grade (22 now), and only my brother knows. I came out to him exactly 3 weeks ago to this day. Back in middle school I had a hard time making new friends. I guess I just wanted to be liked by everyone, so I started doing what I thought was cool. There was this one guy who was literally a giant. He weight at least 300 pounds and was like 6 foot (this being middle school, and he was like 6'5" in high school). To add to that, he was a bully. He always picked on everyone. Well, like I said I wanted to be cool, I started acting like him and whenever he would make fun of someone, I would kind of sit back and say the same things and laugh. There was this one kid in particular who was gay. he was the "stereotypical gay", where he "acted" like one, but never said he was, and people like that are the first ones to get bullied. The bully would always call him gay and such, and I would always chime in with the laughing. I honestly don't believe if I ever called him gay or a faggot to his face because it was so long ago, but I regret even hanging with the bully and doing what I did. There was also a lesbian who was fully open, and I remember getting into a debate with her on MySpace saying it wasn't right and crap like that. I regret it so much because of my insecurities. Growing up in a Christian household, I was always told that being gay is wrong, etc. And being in middle school, kids are mean. I was just so insecure, that I always tried to hide my gay feelings and be "normal". I regret everything. How do I message these two particular people and apologize to them? Being still in the closet, I want to wait before I officially come out. I'll be coming out soon, but probably in the next year or so when I fully feel ready. I just can't take the guilt of what I did. When I do come out, I'll first tell my immediate family, and then post a video of myself telling everyone on FaceBook. So I was planning on messaging them the day before I post my video.
A lot of this hits home. Seriously. What's ironic is that some of the most homophobic guys, in hindsight, showed signs of being closeted (like describing very specific gay sexual acts, or making fun of gay kids non-stop). If I had looked towards "normal" people, who really didn't care, that might have been a healthier choice, but maybe on some instinctive level, it was a way to "connect", or go against those things? Ironically, I didn't hear too much about it in Catholicism. It was probably more due to living in a conservative town, "macho" Hispanic/African-American male culture, and the times (90s and early 2000s were a lot different than today). My father was a bit of a misogynist and with his own sexual issues, so that might have played a significant part, too. Do you have a way to contact them? It doesn't sound like a bad idea at all. Someone I knew who was a "girly girl" in school turned full "Ruby Rose" and I messaged her, saying she's a lot more attractive and seems happier now. Just hope she didn't take it as a failed flirting attempt!
Hi, I know you want to do the right thing, but sometimes people who are bullied, just want to put it behind them. I was bullied at school, not for being gay, as I'm what people say a non stereotypical gay. But this was so many years ago and I'm not interested in even speaking to them, they don't register on my radar. However, if you really do want to apologise, you don't have to reveal your sexuality. You could just say that you have grown up and looked back and realized you were wrong. In hindsight, when you think of people years later, you still think of these people as the idiots they were in High School. They may be so cool by now. So it may make them see you in a different light. I personally would accept the apology, but still have resentment there. Growing up is tough for bullies and victims alike. The victims are victims and the bullies usually have an underlying reason for being the way they are... like you have said. I haven't tried to tell you what you should do. My aim was to weigh up some pros and cons.
I was bullied through three years of Middle School. Not anything to do with my sexuality, simply because I was smaller and a bookish nerd back then. I never really saw the guy who bullied me after Middle School until over a decade later. I came home on leave from the military and the guy came over to my house – my brother had become good friends with him. He had really mellowed out in the decade since I had last seen him and I had gained height, a ton of confidence, and fitness and training as a Soldier. He recognized me immediately, told me he remembered what he used to do to me in Middle School and apologized, saying he’d been extremely immature back then, and hoped there weren’t any hard feelings. For about thirty seconds I thought about beating the sh*t out of him in revenge (and I could see he was uneasy at the look in my eyes). Then, common sense kicked in and I realized that: First, it didn’t matter anymore; it was all water under the bridge (I hadn’t dwelt on his bullying since Middle School, so why get angry again over it now). And, second, two wrongs don’t make a right; I didn’t really hate him anymore and traumatizing him like he had done to me wouldn’t make me really feel better or solve anything, just make him feel pain. So, we shook hands and let it go. To this day, he is always very nice and polite around me, but I don’t think he and I would ever be friends. I can understand that you are very sorry for what you did and that you now understand why you did it. But I think that this may be one of those situations in which you should just forgive yourself and move on with your life. If you do go ahead and pursue finding them in order to apologize, don’t be too disappointed if they choose not to forgive you and tell you to f**k off. As duff0286 said, they just want to put it behind them and don’t want to relive those moments in their lives. I don’t know if this helps you in your situation or not…
Well here's the thing. The one guy I was mean too, Like I said, I don't fully remember ever calling him names, but I know I would laugh when someone else would. However, those two years in middle school took a turn because I was then later bullied for being "gay" by a few people. There was a rumor going around that I was gay. Being in middle school and being taught that gay was wrong, I always tried to repress the feelings, and honestly, being that young, all the "gay" things are confusing. I really didn't know what it meant to be gay, but those feelings were still there. Now, I praise that guy so much for being who he was. I used to be such an outgoing and happy kid in elementary school, and once middle school came and till now, I've been shy and I always care what people think about me. And yes, I actually found them on Facebook, so that would be my means of contact. I just regret it so much. Thanks everyone for the feedback. I think I may contact them when I do decide to come out. And honestly, I was never a true bully, but even one time is enough for me to call myself a bully. I believe middle school was the only time I did it, because when you hit high school, it's a whole new environment. So anyways, I only did it in middle school.
I think you can think about forgiving yourself first. The situation is understandable - it ws a sort of self defence strategy that was ultimately not very healthy. However the people you bullied would probably love to hear you reaching out to them now or at some time in the future. And you can always do it without declaring your sexuality if you prefer
Yeah, TanMan, if it was that incidental, don't dwell on it. It's probably a long-forgotten thing that may not even be remember on his/their part.
I was bullied a lot by many different people in different schools for any and every excuse they could think of to torture me. I still hate them deeply and wish only the worst for them BUT this is because none of them showed remorse. If someone had given a sincere apology for bullying, even just those who weren't as bad and only did it a couple times, it might have restored my faith in humanity a bit. That people can and do change. To someone frail a simple laugh of ridicule can be shattering. But that's just me. If you feel that what you did hurt them and apologising will give you peace of mind then I don't see how an apology could make anything worse. Oh, and I agree on forgiving yourself. If you feel bad about it and recognise that it was due to your own problems then that means you should be proud of yourself for that maturity
Can I just say you seem like a really genuine person. School is a really tough time when everyone has insecurities about themselves. It's no wonder that people follow the crowd and join in on the bullying. If my childhood bully contacted me one day and apologised I would forgive them. Although they made my life terrible at the time, I still think that people change and it they were to go out of their way to apologise for something they did so many years ago, then I would definitely forgive them. Good on you. Hope all goes well!
Hi, I've been bullied over something different (by a boss), and whilst I prefer not to dwell on this person, if she contacted me and apologised, I'd appreciate it. I wouldn't want to see her again because it would bring back bad memories, and I'd probably have a few bad nights, but for her to recognise how damaging her behaviour was, would help me. Partly because I have such a guilt complex myself that I'd like to think she may be suffering from the guilt In a slightly different situation I was briefly and not very effectively bullied for being gay by someone who later turned out to be gay. She got the wrong end of the stick and spread rumours shortly before we left school, and I remember well the piss-take. I also remember how only one person gave me any support. Luckily for me I was (1) leaving and (2) pretty secure and didn't care. On the other hand it may have contributed to a certain blindness of mine over the subsequent years... We're vaguely friends on social media, and I am just glad she's happy and living a fulfilling life now, because I can completely understand why she might have done that. She had suffered bullying herself, and was clearly struggling. Doesn't answer your question, but does give you a couple of perspectives. Personally I'd do it. You may have done more damage than you knew, and apologising may help someone. But they may not want to reply to you.
If you have any way of contacting them, like an email address or on social media, just send them a message apologising. Explain honestly that you realise what you did was wrong and that you are sorry for it and it makes you feel bad.
Thank you all for the wonderful feedback, as well as telling me your stories. I regret it so much for what I did, it tears me apart. I just wanted to be "cool," and all it did was make me shy and hating who I was. I don't consider myself a bully, but what I did was just that... A bully. Like I said, I didn't have any friends going into middle school, and I just wanted to fit in. What I did was wrong, and no one ever deserves to be made fun of for who they are. I had so many insecurities. I've been wanting to apologize to him, as well as that other person for a couple years now. I've known I had these feelings of being gay, but it really didn't hit me until 10th/11th grade. And I didn't come to terms with it until a couple months ago. I have been in denial for so long, that it literally kills me. The only way I found him on Facebook was because his name got stuck in my head. It's a name that I will never forget. I hate myself so much for what I did, but I'm a better person now. I regret everything. Just wanting to fit in is hard enough, and all the peer pressure of doing what others want. Again, thanks to everyone. When I do decide to come out publicly, I will tel him. He may get angry, not reply back, or even accept my apology, I know I tried my best.
Just want to say that you seem like a really good person and I'm glad that you have a different mindset to the one you had as a kid. Personally I'd appreciate my bullies messaging and apologising because it would mean that they acknowledge that what they did to me wasn't right and that they had been thinking about it for a while even though it happened more than 10 years ago. Unfortunately for me that will never happen and the kids that nearly killed me with the words they were spewing won't ever know how bad they made me feel. You have the opportunity to let these people know that you feel remorse and that you've been thinking of them and I'd take that while you can. Good luck with coming out and everything man
