I'm really really straightedge. As in I don't drink, I don't vape, I don't smoke (anything), I don't do drugs, etc. Now I've told my boyfriend up front about this, and told him that it would be a deal breaker if he did anything but drink. I have friends that smoke, vape, etc., and so does he...but the difference is that he hangs out with them WHILE they're smoking. This kinda bothers me, I don't really know why. Maybe I'm worried that he'll get in trouble? Or maybe the second-hand smoking kinda thing? I trust him not to smoke himself. And when I told him that I was okay with drinking, I kinda just meant like the occasional beer or cup of wine with dinner or on the couch watching TV, or like social drinking. He's not a big drinker or anything...he's drank maybe twice in the past month, but last night he went out with his friends and since he doesn't smoke weed, he ended up getting drunk instead. For some reason this just really really bothers me... For the most part we talk about everything that bothers us, but I don't really want to bring this one up to him because 1) we just got into a giant fight last night and almost broke up (not over the drinking or weed or anything) 2) I told him drinking was okay so I have no right to get upset over him doing it. I don't know...any suggestions? What to do? How to stop being so sensitive? Thoughts?
Well you can't, if you have family issues with alcoholics. The good news is that if this is a near-deal-breaker for you, I think I read that about 30 to 35 percent of Americans do not drink at all. I think this percentage probably holds (give or take) across many western cultures. This means that finding another non-drinker would be hardly impossible.
I think if it bothers you this much, you need to consider how much you care about this relationship that you're willing to compromise and let him do what he wants. You've already put down some "groundrules" that you'd prefer he didn't do, and he listens, so I don't think it's fair if you get mad at him for listening to them. Try not to exaggerate the consequences. His friends probably aren't smoking 24/7, so he won't die from the secondhand smoke. And if he wants to drink that's his choice. It seems you two have different beliefs in terms of what you're comfortable with, and he has different views. There are two things you can do to be respectful, either try to get over it(sounds harsh I don't mean to be lol) or break up with him if his choices are too stressful for you. He's an adult human too, he's allowed to make decisions and so are you, so try to respect his, and if you're not willing, you should probably break up.
To be honest I don't think you're being sensitive. Not doing drugs, smoking, etc is just something you're not into, and that's ok. It's a value you certainly don't have to give up, but at the same time you have to respect his values well. Try and compromise, but if you guys can't, it would be best to part ways.
