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Falling for a guy but unsure of their sexuality- Advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Welshguy93, Sep 6, 2016.

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  1. Welshguy93

    Welshguy93
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Cardiff
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hey guys I am a long time reader of the forum but a first time poster. My sexuality is something that I have struggled with for years but lately I've started to accept that I am probably homosexual. Despite having feelings for guys over the years i've never really felt like i've been in love. However lately i've fallen for someone and it is really driving me crazy.

    Basically i've known this guy for a number of years and we've worked together now for almost two years. However it has only been in the last few months where I have started to feel very strongly about this person. I think he's gorgeous with a cheeky personality and all I want to do is talk to him all the time be with him. However up until recently there was a problem in that he had a girlfriend(who he had been with for a number of years). However despite this many people have speculated for a long time that he could be bisexual or even homosexual. He is quite camp and also flirty with members of the same sex. Anyway in the past few months we've spent more and more time together both in work and outside in social situations and I found my feelings toward him growing stronger. Despite being close we never really discussed his girlfriend. Then one day a couple of weeks back he randomly messaged me to tell me that he and his girlfriend had broken up. I found it strange that he had gone out of his way to tell me this when previously we had never really discussed it. It made me think that maybe he held some sort of feelings for me too.

    Anyway a few weekends back we were out in town having a drink when he saw one of his friends(a female). As I had had a few drinks I got very jealous when he went off with her. I sent him a message basically saying that I hope she was worth it and that I was going home because I didn't want to ruin things between us by saying how I really felt. I later went on to say that I really liked him. He responded by pretty much ignoring the statement but telling me to go to the club he was in with a kiss at the end of the message. However by this point I had gone home and gone to bed. A week later we were out again and this time we left the club together and on the way home I approached the situation of my texts to him and apologised for any embarassment it may have caused. He pretty much didn't want to talk about the situation and it made me just feel awful. I really like this guy as a friend and obviously I like him even more in a romantic way. It's getting to the point now however that i'm convinced he is probably 100% straight but it's difficult because I have that niggling doubt in the back of my mind. He's all I can think about but I don't want to message him all the time because I fear that i'm getting on his nerves and I don't want to lose him. I think he must know by now how I feel about him but it's difficult because i'm not out.

    Any advice on this matter would be great. Do you think there's any chance he could be bisexual/gay? Have I been a fool?

    Thanks so much guys :kiss:
     
    #1 Welshguy93, Sep 6, 2016
  2. Quantumreality

    Quantumreality
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi WelshGuy93,

    Obviously, I don’t know you or this other guy personally, so I can only respond to what you chose to share/post. First, as I’m sure you know, love and physical attraction are two different (although not necessarily unrelated) things. From your post, it sounds like you have a very strong crush on this guy. Crushes can be maddening for anyone (regardless of sexual orientation) – especially when we have no idea if the object of our crush returns any or all of our feelings… Third, no, you’re not being a fool, you’re acting naturally on how you feel emotionally, but you have to be prepared if he doesn’t return your feelings.

    That’s not necessarily any indicator of his sexual preference. He is the way he is and being flirty with members of the same sex (assuming you are talking lighter things like verbal exchanges/jousting, brief touching, etc) could simply be an indicator that he is very comfortable with own sexuality and is open enough to be able to ‘joke around’ like that.

    You wrote that you basically told him about your feelings for him in a text, but didn’t really have a conversation.

    He may have thought it was a joke or just have been messing with you. Since you’re not Out, that may very well be how it took it. But, in effect, your text was a mini-Coming Out to him.

    And then later you approached him about the text in person:

    It’s a little odd that he can be flirty with other guys, yet be unwilling to talk to you directly about your feelings for him. However, if he is completely straight, well, many straight guys hate talking about feelings or things that make them uncomfortable – especially if they are trying to put up a ‘nothing-bothers-me’ type of front for their friends.

    Unfortunately, as far as his sexuality goes, the only way you can REALLY know is to talk to him directly about how you feel and ask if he returns any of those feelings. (Which would basically mean that you fully Come Out to him.) And if he’s not willing to discuss it and/or you’re not willing to push the issue (face-to-face, not via text with something like this), you might want to accept in your own mind that this crush isn’t going anywhere and instead of spending more emotional capital on a dead-end situation, try to move on. That, of course, doesn’t mean he couldn’t remain a good friend (unless you somehow burn bridges), but you wouldn’t be able to consciously keep thinking of him ‘that way’ anymore.:icon_sad:

    I don’t know if any of this actually helps you, but I wish you only the best, however you choose to go forward from here. And you aren’t alone!:thumbsup:

    Take care. Stay strong!:slight_smile:
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Sep 6, 2016
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