Getting over Him (a long story)

Hey everyone!

I know this isn't exactly a new topic or one that everyone hasn't heard before, but I decided that it could be worth while to tell my own story and see if anyone has any thoughts or feedback (&&&)

To go back to where it all started: I had met "S" (so I shall call him) online. After a couple rounds of friendly messages back and forth, it seemed like we were a great match! So we quickly decided to meet in person and go on a "date." Things went well; we talked, got to know each other a bit better, and clearly showed an interest in each other. Fast forward a week and we had been seeing each other almost every day at this point. It was then that he decided to pop the question and ask me to be his boyfriend one night. And just like in cute, tween gay film, I said yes and we kissed until my bus finally arrived to take me away. I remember being so ecstatic as I had never really had a boyfriend up until this point so everything felt so strange yet exciting!

However, this being my first "real" relationship, problems were soon to follow. I remember becoming very anxious and insecure as the relationship progressed. This was mostly due to my constant suspicion that "S" was cheating on me. Why would I think this you ask? Well here's what my crazy mind cooked up: I figured since he was bisexual, that left the doors wide open for him to cheat on me with LITERALLY ANYONE (Don't worry, I can see my own ignorance now). So whenever he would go out with his friends, go to work, or even just hang out with his roommates, I was worried. This even led me to try checking his emails, phone, and even snoop around his bedroom at times. Suffice to say, he was not pleased with this. But he still lovingly assured me that he would never do such a thing, and that he has never left anyone before or cheated on his partner. This did not reassure me, however.

Eventually a month passed and things were still holding together. We had decided to have sex during our one month anniversary, and for me, this was my first time. It was an amazing experience, to say the least. Any expectations I had previously had were surpassed by a mile. I mean, can you call sex by dimly lit, scented candle any more hopelessly romantic? He took his time, knowing that it was my first time and that I was still very much timid to the act. And when it was all over, all I can remember is just smiling--honest genuine happiness like I had never felt before.

We were passionate lovers. Perhaps too passionate for our own good. I mean, we were both two horny teenagers (myself 17 at the time and him a year older), what did you expect? But I knew that our sexual appetites were always getting in the way of something. Maybe genuine connection? Communication? Our friendship? I still don't know, to be honest. But I knew something was missing. Something was going to fall apart and it was only a matter of time.

Soon I learned about his tendencies to go out late with his friends to party or go clubbing, and I was instantly thrown into the same pit of anxiety. I couldn't stand the thought of him being with anyone else. Just the thought of it brought me to tears and put an unbearable pain in my chest. "S" was a friendly guy--touchy- feely, spontaneous, and quick to make a joke. That's when the insecurities become to overwhelm me. I thought: "what if he's just waiting until he finds someone better" "what if he's already found someone who makes him happier" "I'm such a boring, oversensitive dork, why would he want me." And the thoughts got worse and worse from there.

Another month passes and it's time for "S" to move back with his family (who live about 2 hours drive away from where I lived at the time). He had made it clear earlier in the month that he would be moving back and that he would not be able to come back for at least a few years. At this point, we stood at a crossroad with only two options: 1)Try to make this work long distance 2) Say our goodbyes now. My friends and my gut told me to end it. Yet my heart said otherwise. So with tears in my eyes, I gave him one last hug after helping him move out all his stuff to the driveway. "I promise we'll have our own place one day" we both recited as his ride honked at us two boys glued to each other like moss on a tree. I really wanted it to work, and I could tell he did to.

Late one night "S" calls me. He's being distant for some reason. I know something isn't right. I ask what's wrong. He says nothing. I ask again. Nothing. "I know what you're going to think if I tell you," he says. My heart beats at an alarming rate. "Please... tell me" I plead to him. At last he tells me: "Fine... but I warned you. I was a party with my friends and... well... one of my best friends was kinda drunk and he...umm...he kissed me." My hands tremble. I don't say a word. I fall to the floor and clutch my chest to the most crippling pain I have ever felt in my life.

Slowly I muster up the strength to ask "Well do you like him...?" I don't get a reply. "Did he know that you and I were dating...? No answer. "Did you know that he had feelings for you this whole time...?" Silence.

"I'm sorry" he says. "I still love you, I really do...but I don't know what to do right now." Tears start streaming down my cheeks as my face cracks into an ugly despair. "He's my best friend...what do you expect me to do?" "I love both of you...and this just isn't fair"

"I know it's not fair, but I just can't handle this right now, I'm sorry...goodbye" I raise my voice and hang up the phone. That's the last time the two of us speak.

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So that's where the chips fell. It's been two years since and I still don't really know what to make of it all. Part of me feels like we were doomed from the start and that it was all my doing. Another part of me thinks that we're both equally to blame. At the end of the day though, what's done is done. "S" has happily been in a relationship with that same best friend (I'll call him "G") who kissed him that night. And here I am, alone, still thinking about him, while he gets on with his life.

I just wanted to say thanks for reading if you made it this far, and that I really appreciate you taking the time. You don't have to reply if you don't want to (I don't even know what to say myself haha) I just wanted to get this off my chest and hopefully help someone out there who may be going through something similar.

 

Thanks for the support, Doughmaster (*hug*) It truly means a lot!

 

Thanks Quantumreality (*hug*)! It's really nice to know that there's a community here that understands and supports each other. I feel like that's such a hard thing to find these days, especially as an LBGT person.

And to your question: I've definitely learned a couple of things since then (I'd like to hope haha)

1) A person's sexuality does not determine whether or not they will be faithful or not. That is completely up to their personality and what they value.

2) Take things slower at first. There's no rush to get into the romantic and sexual stuff. Make the effort to become the person's friend first or else the relationship will have nothing to fall back on.

3) Being in a relationship will not make you happy if you are not whole and complete as an individual. No one can make you happy but you. A significant other can not silence the insecurities and thoughts that rampage in our minds.

4) Communication is everything. Listen wholeheartedly, and try to understand where the other person is coming from. Do not patronize them. Do not dismiss their concerns.

5) Empathize. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you have done the same thing if you were in their shoes? Most likely, yes. Because people are just doing the best they can.

Those are the big lessons I've learned over the past two years of reflecting on this relationship. What do you think? I'd love to know your thoughts~

 

Thanks for the input Quantumreality! I wasn't expecting such a thorough response!

I had a few questions based on some of the suggestions and concepts that you elaborated on and was wondering if you might have some more insight:

1) How do we talk about suspicion and jealousy with our partners in a way that isn't condescending or makes us look like we are accusing them of something? Doesn't the very nature of this topic bring about some animosity? (This is something I clearly struggled with in this relationship)

2) "You are looking first for things that can make that person a real friend (like values, common interests, etc) because ultimately, in any real relationship if you aren't actually good friends beyond your sexual compatibility, it will lead to all sorts of problems and a failed relationship down the road" I hear you loud and clear on that~

3) I definitely agree with what you said about projecting my insecurities onto my boyfriend. I think if anything, this was what set the relationship up for failure--as you mentioned. I have since learned to better control my thoughts and emotions through practicing meditation, studying Buddhism, and learning from contemporary spiritual teachers such as Eckhart Tolle.

4) When I look back, I believe both of us lacked communication skills to an extent. He was the type of guy to keep things bottled up and never really show that he was in any pain around friends or significant others. He never really spoke about his feelings much (I mostly did all of that haha) I guess maybe that's what also led me to feel so in the dark and curious about what was going on with him all the time. But he's not solely to blame. When it mattered most and when he needed me to listen and be there for him (after he told me he had feelings for his best friend), I completely shut him out.

5) The idea you brought up about mutual compromise is a powerful one. It's one that my father and I have actually talked about when I asked him about how his marriage with my mom is so successful even to this day. Sometimes you do have to acquiesce to your partners needs/desire's/request. As my dad said "You have to put their needs above your own sometimes." I think acquiescing is necessary sometimes, but as long as it doesn't compromise your integrity and sense of self; you don't betray who you are in the process. In a compromise, you don't go away feeling like: I betrayed myself; like I've put poison in my mouth. So my last question is: do you think it would have been wise for me to have continued being in a relationship with "S" even knowing that he had feelings for his best friend (with whom he went to high school and lives in the same city). Would it have been an act of betrayal on myself?

Thanks so much again for your reply! (*hug*)

 

Hey again Quantumreality!

I definitely agree with your point that there isn't really much difference between the problems that same-sex couples have versus opposite-sex couples! At the end of the day, I think it's safe to say that the challenge of creating a lasting relationship with anyone is difficult. However, I could potentially see there being unique challenges that same-sex couples face in terms of coming-out (having non-accepting family or friends), marriage laws in certain countries, etc.

"When communicating awkward or even embarrassing issues/concerns, sometimes you might just have to say it the way you feel it and let your partner KNOW that this is something you are dealing with internally and are not accusing him of anything; this issue/concern is about YOU, not HIM, but you need his help to deal with it." This is a great revelation to me! I remember approaching the conversation in a way that made it seem like my boyfriend was the one to blame for all my thoughts and insecurities. He seemed to slowly get more and more drained having to reassure me of his faithfulness and love.

"The ONE person that you should be prepared to drop everything for and support in a ‘crisis’ (and that being a ‘crisis’ from HIS point of view, not necessarily yours.) – is your Significant Other." Love this point! It's so easy to dismiss our partner's concerns just because we don't necessarily see them as concerns ourselves (this also relates to the previous point we went over). I remember doing this in subtle ways now that I think about it: like dismissing my ex's struggle to find his passion/career path, dismissing his struggle to find a better job, and dismissing his some of the insecurities he had about himself sometimes.

"I still believe the best solution, 95+% of the time is a compromise worked out between both partners; that way both of you can move forward from the issue/concern feeling pretty good about yourselves and the strength/equality of the relationship." I remember my father making the same point when talking about his marriage with my mom: he said that they would always find a half way point when compromising. Because if you acquiesce completely with the other person and their plan fails, it's all on them (and vise versa). But if you meet them half way and things go wrong, no one is solely to blame and you know you made the choice together.

"But in that last phone call that you described having with him, you seem to have already made up your mind and were just waiting for him to step across your invisible line, which he did. Do you honestly think you could have worked out the emotional baggage you had manufactured over him if your relationship had continued?" Ouch, that one hit me hard! The truth hurts; but you definitely hit the nail on the head with that one. It was basically as if I was pushing him to cross that invisible line so I could validate all of my fears and insecurities and end the relationship there. Perhaps you could say it was a self fulfilling prophecy from the start.

I can't thank you enough for all the advice you've continued to give me so far. Really. Thank you from the bottom of my heart (*hug*)