I started having a crush/feelings for a guy for a little while (pretty much just this week), and I didn't know that he has a girlfriend until very recently. I was pretty flirty before but as soon as I realised that he has a girlfriend I stopped trying to pursue anything romantic. The problem is we're still friends and he seems to enjoy talking to me and vice versa. I want to be good friends with him and actually when I heard he has a girlfriend I wasn't even that bummed out - I just thought okay, there's definitely no chance now so skip the feelings and just stay friends. It doesn't hurt too much for me and I really respect their relationship and don't want to do anything to affect it. The problem is even if I have no intention of affecting their relationship I feel really guilty and confused talking to him and hanging around him. Obviously the feelings are still there and aren't going to go away immediately, even if I'm consciously trying to move on and am not going to act out on them whatsoever. I still feel the butterflies and I reflexedly check for his texts even though I'm making a real effort to move on from all this. But now everything I say or do around him I feel bad about because I'm worried that I'm unconsciously flirting with him - and anything he says I'm scared that he's flirting with me and that our friendship could get in the way of his relationship. I don't want to completely cut off contact with him because he's a good friend, but I also am freaking out about how to maintain this friendship without influencing his relationship. It's hard for me to see anything objectively. I'm scared that he'll get feelings for me because I don't want that, and I'm scared that it'll be my fault. What could I do in this situation? We're in the same friend group too so I wouldn't be able to just completely cut him off from my life. I genuinely want to stay friends and nothing more and I'm okay with that, but every time I think we're getting too close or talking too much I freak out about it - even if it's, from the outside, nothing more than platonic or just being friends. I want to only stay friends but the feelings are still there and might take some time to die out. I don't know what to do and any advice would be appreciated. Cheers.
Boundaries are your best case. If you truly love someone...you want to see them happy...even if its not with you. I'm in the similiar situation...in love with best friend who is married. I still have those feelings for him...but he's unavailable and you need to find someone that will make you their number 1 or make yourself number 1. If you are being just flirty with him....be flirty with other single people. And I guarantee you will flirt with him less. Date other people. Spend time on a hobby with others that you know your crush isn't into. However, I wouldn't cut time off with your crush completely. Just less time spent.
Thanks for the reply. I do want to see him happy and I really don't want to get in the way of that, but it's just pretty complicated since it's hard to suppress all my feelings when I'm hanging around him. We are pretty good friends and I genuinely enjoy talking to him and hanging out with him, even just as friends. I just feel terrible because now every time I have a long conversation with him or I want to hang out around him or spend time with him, I keep feeling guilty; like I should be staying away from him because he has a girlfriend, and I shouldn't even be around him if I have feelings for him - even feelings I'm definitely not going to pursue. I have this irrational fear that I'm coming onto him even though I'm pretty much just acting as a friend and not doing anything else. We're pretty close though and sometimes I'm worried where the line can be drawn in this situation. Though, I have been doing my best to distract myself and also hang out with others as well, but I guess it'll be a while before my feelings die out. I'm not sure what to do; unrequited feelings is one thing but when we're still good friends and he has a girlfriend and all that, it just makes things complicated. At the end of the day though my genuine wish is for him to be happy in his relationship and for me to not affect that, and we can remain good friends.
Hey Alder! It sounds like you are already approaching this from a pretty mature standpoint~ It's never easy finding out that someone you have feelings for is already in a relationship with someone else. It's easy to get frustrated and possessive and try to continue pursuing the other person. This is not ideal (as you already know). As karaokerockstar stated: When you truly love someone, you want to see them happy even if it's with someone else. You do not require them to love you in return. All you want to do is give your love. True joy is found in loving others, not in needing to receive love from others. You can continue being friends with him as long as you understand and accept that you will not receive his love in return. Be his friend and do not try pursue anything further. That way, you can enjoy the wonderful friendship that you already have with him! There is no need to feel guilty about spending time with him just because he has a girlfriend and you still have some feelings for him. Just let the feelings be; do hobbies, follow your passion, spend time with other friends, travel, etc. Eventually the feelings with dissolve. Even if he does end up developing feelings for you, that's fine. That isn't for you to control. And your love for him will not change either way.
Once again thank you for the thoughtful reply I already understand fully that he's in a relationship and therefore I have no expectations of him reciprocating anything even if I want anything to happen; I suppose I just continue to feel guilty and fearful being so close to him and sometimes deliberately wanting to spend more time with him, deliberately wanting to talk to him more. I'm not pursuing him romantically nor am I putting any pressure on him to feel anything back - I genuinely want him to be happy in his relationship - but it's the times when I find myself being really nice to him, or talking to him a lot (I actually do find we connect on so many levels, even as friends), that I'm scared I'm pushing the boundaries a little bit. I hate beating myself up for still sometimes imagining us in a relationship or still having feelings (I mean, that takes time to fade), and I hate that I feel really guilty just seeking out long conversations with him and being really nice to him; it always feels like, because of my feelings for him I'm trying to get over, that my intentions are less than moral. Maybe the actions themselves are totally innocent but I'm so fearful I'm unconsciously doing something more. The last thing I want to do is for him to have any feelings for me at all, or to mess up things for him and his girlfriend (who by the way he doesn't see that often, they're kind of in this on and off LDR); and I guess it might sound egotistical to the extreme but I don't think that's entirely impossible if he does develop feelings for me if I keep talking to him or being nice to him. Or I'm really overthinking and catastrophising everything. This turned into a little rant but I guess I just want to know how to get over him so we can just be friends with nothing in between us. And also what's the really right and wrong way to behave around him and with him.
Anyways a little update; I'm still friends with him and I'm not cutting things off, but things are still a little complicated on my end. I still feel iffy being nice to him and friendly with him whilst trying to get over my feelings at the same time, but I don't expect or want anything reciprocated back; I don't know how his relationship is right now but I hope it's going well. I still feel rather confused and guilty about some things, but doing my best to move on. It's hard for me to know where to draw the line but I'm consciously attempting to keep everything really platonic. I just wish we can stay good friends and that I won't accidentally ruin anything for him.
