So, I was in a relationship that lasted almost 5 months. I didn't love her; but she loved me. She told me this very early on, and constantly ever since, along with similar you-mean-everything-to-me stuff. As my mental health spiralled downwards, I began to feel very unhappy and 'trapped.' She would get very angry at me over liking someone else's pictures too much, talking to someone else too much, getting better grades, everything. I had no energy to spend time with her anymore. Heck, I could barely look after myself properly. Anyway, I broke up with her, despite her pleas of 'no you can't break up with me, I need you' etc. She also alluded towards suicide (she has a history of mental health problems). Shortly after our breakup, she began sending me lots of nasty messages. I didn't want to get into an argument, so I always sent back short, polite replies. She told me she didn't believe my excuses about being unhappy, and she *knew* it was because she wasn't good enough for me. I assured her that wasn't the case at all. Her sister than began to message me nasty things, and told me that she was constantly self-harming because of me, and she might kill herself. Her friends then starting coming up to me, saying similar things. BASICALLY, it has been a few months since then and every time I see her, I just think to myself 'look at what you've done. You've ruined this poor girl's life. She invested everything in you, and you just threw her out, like she was nothing.' I imagine what her parents must think of me. They must wonder what kind of awful person uses somebody, gives them 'a pathetic excuse' for breaking up and leaves them to suffer? What kind of horrible person causes somebody to feel so bad about themselves that they consider taking their own life? Any advice? I hate feeling like a villain, but there is no way I could have stayed in that relationship.
I know it really sucks, but you had to do what you did not only for your sake but hers too. She was not approaching the relationship in a healthy manner and seems to have been highly codependent on you, which is never a good thing. You have a right to your own life and you don't owe her anything, especially since the relationship only lasted five months. You are not a bad person for this, you seem to have handled it very gracefully while still making sure she understands that you can never be together. It is awful and very manipulative of her to threaten with suicide if she can't have you, and also to bring her sister and friends into the whole mess, but you are not the problem here. You did what was right not only for you but for her as well. Is there any way you can cut her out of your life completely? At least for a good while? I think it would be best for both of you if you could do that, so she has some time to figure herself out and for you to recover from the whole ordeal. If she is out to them it could also be worth considering talking to her parents if you are younger and she still lives at home. They could maybe help her get help, and should know about it if she is suicidal. Again, you are not a bad person for getting out of a very unhealthy relationship. She needs professional help to get past her issues, staying with her would not have done her any good (it could even have exacerbated whatever issues she has). If you can't cut her out entirely, do you have someone you can talk about it with? Even just a best friend who will listen and who is supportive can go a long way!
I don't think this makes you a bad person. Sometimes we realize we don't love our partners early on, it happened with an ex of mine, so I was honest and broke up with her. What she's doing is emotional manipulation. When people threaten suicide to me as emotional manipulation, what I usually do is call 911. If it IS serious, the hospital will take care of them so they can't hurt themselves, and if it was just a threat, they quickly learn they can not to do that to me as I have power over them with the phone call.
Well, this reassures me quite a bit. After we broke up, I booked a counsellor's appointment for her, but I can never know if she actually went. Her parents, apparently, won't let her speak to a professional, even though they know about all her mental issues. I don't have anyone to talk about this -literally no friends and aren't out to my parents yet. But just talking about it online helps. I have cut all contact with her, and have long since stopped replying to her messages, but whenever I see her at school, I am reminded of everything that happened. Thanks for the tip about calling 911 -she never said outright that she would do it, so I think it was just a threat to make me feel guilty (and it worked!) Thanks for replying, both of you.
Heya, I don't really have anything to add except that I second the other posts. It sounds like she was trying to manipulate you throughout your relationship (i.e. "She would get very angry at me over liking someone else's pictures too much, talking to someone else too much" etc). I think you did the right thing and you shouldn't feel guilty - after all relationships are something we can choose to be or not be in and if it doesn't feel right there's not really much more to say. I hope you don't have these guilty feelings for too much long as they are totally undeserved (especially as you tried get help for her which seems to be more than what her parents are doing). Basically, don't feel like a villain because you really aren't one.
Wow... Ok, first of all, you are NOT a villain. This girl is very insecure, and she's trying to manipulate you into being with her. If she's self harming, then it's because of herself, not you. No fully secure person would hurt themselves because of a 5-month relationship. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but I've dealt with someone like this before. I dated a girl who was 1 year older than me when I was 15. She acted crazy sometimes. When I broke up with her, she threatened to kill herself. I got back with her 3 or 4 times because I was afraid she would commit suicide. Her best friend even threatened me on MySpace! After a while, I realized she was just being manipulative, so I ended the relationship for good. And she never killed herself. Do not let someone this toxic control your life.
Relationships aren't about one person. Staying with you wouldn't help either of you out long term. You have to looks out for your own wants before anyone else's, and you have no obligation to date anyone you don't want to. It sounds toxic anyway.
I agree with everyone here that you are not a villain here. But I do want to make a very specific point with you and everyone else. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness or self-esteem but your own. And no one is responsible for yours. No matter the type or length of your relationship, everyone MUST be responsible for their own happiness. If you really think about it, happiness is not given to us from external sources. Rather, it is our own feelings that are generated by our thoughts. If you think dark thoughts, it will result in unhappiness and low self-esteem. If you suffer from other issues like shame, guilt, self-hatred, anxiety or other equally troublesome emotions, then of course it will intrude upon self-esteem. Getting yourself out of that relationship doesn't put the burden of her problems onto you. It has always been on her, despite her attempts to pin them on you. Of course, her problems will only be your problems if you let them be. Just my two cents.
