Finally broke up with boyfriend because I'm gay. I'm hurting!

I have been in a relationship with him for nearly three years, I've known him from when I was 18 years, now I am 21. He shaped my personality and person in a good way. We are compatible people and we can talk about anything. I've never met someone with whom I have such a good connection. We share an amazing group of friends.

Over these past three years I've treated him not as good as I should have. I was able to give him all the love a best friend can, but I quickly started to resent the romantic and the sexual part of it. But I decided that I could not afford to lose him. He was my best friend.

Over the last three years I have thought every single day about breaking up with him. I did, three times, and failed three times. I got annoyed by all the interactions we had. I shut down his affection completely. I did not want to force myself to have sex with him again. I thought I was wasting my time with him. We decided to not ever move in together. I have told him from the beginning that I did not want to stay together with him forever because I am either bisexual with a really strong preference for women, or gay. I love him and want to see him and want nothing but happiness for him, but I do not want to be in a relationship with him. In short: breaking up was the right thing to do.

Today I feel calm for the most part, but I suddenly broke down crying while I put away the decorations and books he and his parents got me over these past years. This is really hard! I guess I need some advice to get through this once and for all.

 

It helped thank you for your reply. I am doing a lot better. I have invested a lot in this relationship, it was for me the only chance to a 'normal' straight life.

I don't understand what you meant by 'Btw are you packing these reminders away on purpose or was that just some general tidying up?'

Yes, the situations are similar, and yes, I also felt like I was lying the entire time. More specifically, that I was acting the entire thing. I did not feel it, but society taught me how to behave in a certain way around my boyfriend. So it is for the better that we're done. Also because I know for sure that I am gay. That helps me to calm myself a bit, that means it was the best decision.

I feel better today. My life is really busy at the moment so I get distracted, which is good. Just sometimes suddenly really sad because I might lose a good friend. But it is for the better.