Hi everyone , Sorry it's going to be a very long post, please bear with me so Sorry . I met my best friend in school. I still vividly remember the first time I saw him. I was having anxiety attack. Well, it's quite scary to be in a new school when you had anxiety disorder that keep ringing about numbers and need meds to keep track of the intrusive thoughts. He came up to me and offered to stay with me. Never have I thought, that we both ended up as partner for our Literatures project on the study on the book "Middlesex ." We are inseparable. For 2 years, we study together, play sports together, even spent our times in my bedroom just reading books to each other . He will talk about his church events, how he dislike his father keep nagging at him ( classic teen ) but he loved his family dearly, always rushing to help his mother and brother. Gradually, I fall for him. I fall for his sweet yet quiet display of affection to his family. yet, I kept this feeling to myself( yes i did tell and he is cool with it), he will talk about girls and I knew it's hopeless. Everything changes after we got our results, and the happy part is we both into the our dream school. We went to different country to study. But we left only a few months together, and we promised each other we are going to find times for each other. Slowly, he become weirder. At first, He make gay jokes about me, he always jokes in such very vivid details, like the way how his dick will be sucked by me, how I will "do" him in my bedroom, or how he will take stuff his finger up my arse . I am deeply disturbed by it. And after a talk regarding about these joke about gay sex, is being disrespectful to me. He stopped, citing that he makes this type of joke to everyone, yet, none of our group of friends got this kind of treatment. After this incidents, I asked if he's gay, he told me he is straight and always likes girls and will never fall for me. I am heartbroken, but I kept quiet. A month passed, and he start asking me if I had sex with anyone, or if I had crush on anyone. I told him I have a crush on a guy but never have sex with anyone, but he refuse to believe. When I asked him why he kept asking me this question, he said he never think about it. Things getting weirder as months passed by. He went to Japan. And each days, he will send me a selfie. I never asked for it, and he was never like this to anyone or to me before. There's this time, during dinner, I was talking to him about abusive relationship, citing how both male and female needs the support in any form of abusive relationship. He texts me afterwards saying how he likes the way I thinks and when he gets a abusive boyfriends, he will ask for my help. Confuse by ' when get a abusive boyfriend", i texted back saying " you mean, abusive girlfriend right?" He ignored, and never replied to that question. Instead he changes the topics to the upcoming party. During the party, he asked about my crush. I told him that I like the way my crush is a sweet person who care about the society .Our groups of friend comes along, and he started talking about my crush. One by one , our friends left the party. As always, he walks me home. He asked the same question about my crush again, and I replied him the same answer. He snapped. With a quiet aggressive, he told me he don't want me to talk to my crush, he never wanted me to date my crush. Confused, I asked him. He ignored, and we just walked. As I reached for my door, I decided to draw the line. If he's just going to keep saying he's straight while restricting my dating chances , I need to be clear to him. I told him we are just friends to each others. He push back the door, and apologized for his early comment and he said I am not just a person to him, I am special to him and I am his " one of the kind". Shocked, I asked him if everything ok, yet he just turn and walked away. The last dinner we had, its best describe as " lugubrious" , we just sit down and eat quietly. then he pop the question, asking if I ever had sex with my crush. I lied to him that i did it. I just wanted to prank him and since he keep asking, I am just irritated by this. He become quiet, refuse to look at me. Our first face time oversea, I decided to confess to him , telling him I had always love him all this years, and I asked him what do you mean by "special" and I am his "one of a kind". He just brush it off and denial about everything. Saying he forgot about everything he said to me. how could you forgot those words just after a week? Maybe I am over thinking , and he's just my straight best friend who just being nice to me. But it's just too weird. Throughout our university days, not enough time to face time, being busy with university and other stuff. We slowly drifted apart. But he assured me that he will support me in anything I do. Anyway, everything goes downhill from here onwards. He came back for during his mid-term week. During dinner with his family, I found out he's using dating app to talk to girls because he held his phone in front of me while swiping girls and chatting with them , while avoiding me the whole time. His parents noticed this, and suggest I talk to him. They are worried about his unusual behavior. I felt so lonely, why this sweet guy that I called best friend treat me so coldly after I confessed to him. Besides, he can't treat his family so coldly as well. I told him I know he's using it to talk to girls and I am accepted it because everyone had the right to love and talk to who they want. Instead ,he accused me for making up stories and left. After a few weeks, He continue to deny about this incidents, lying to me and had been avoiding me and refuse to reply my texts. Sometimes , he took weeks just to reply a " ok " message to me. yet, when I asked him if he wanted to continue this friendship, He told me never wanted me to leave him. As summer approaching, we are so busy with our exam that I had never texted him for a month plus . He refuse to talk to me that. During my school break, he finally texted , he asked me the same question" have I had sex with anyone, or had crush?" I said no about the sex, but I had a crush on my classmates. He never met this guy, yet he's just keep berating how awful this guy look and I am just being my usual over thinking self. I scolded him for not replying and lying to me about so many things .He snapped and the same line is spoken again. " I never wanted you to be with anyone at all, they are all straight, forget about them!" I muster up my courage and asked him if he's need any of my helps. He ignored me again. and I spent my summer breaks trying to talk to him. I felt so alone and depressed. I love this friend of mine, but, nothing I do is enough. Whatever he is feeling , he had no right to hurt the people who love him dearly. And he needs to be honest about his feeling. I told him I will always be there for him. Sadly, he texted me. And, this text, crush my heart. He said he never wanted me. He said he is not gay and he never wanted to be my friend anyway, he just pity me. That why, he talked to me on the first day of school. He said that he view everyone as special and it's my wistful thinking to view someone like him will ever fall for me. He regret knowing me and spending time with me, instead he could used those time with girls.It's all my fault of making his life so miserable. And he want me to be gone from his life. Yet, he told me that we should stay in contact, and he will want to help me sometime. Then , he blocked me on everything. What does he even want from me? You don't like I talked to anyone who I am interested in, want me to disappeared from your life and yet you contradict yourself by saying you want to stay in contact with me? I talked to his parents about it. They tried to help but, even he refuse to reply their calls and texts. Sorry that i type such a long post. I feel so hurt by this, and wanted some proper advice from people who have more wiser and experience about situation like this. I am still deeply saddened and confuse by this. But I know, I need to leave him entirely.
What you have described is emotional abuse, by an individual who may have deep psychological problems. Since you asked, I have to advise you to stop communicating with him, and devote your energy to making new friends. You have been deceived, and I know it will be hard to do this--it will take time. Also, can you talk to a counselor about this? It is not going to be easy. Some support would be helpful.
Hi MindreadHEHE, I’m sorry for what you are going through. As faustian1 said, this is emotional abuse and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. I understand that he is your best friend, but people change and sometimes have to go their own separate ways in order to move forward in their lives. In my experience, many of the people who make the most vehement and crude homophobic comments and jokes are actually harboring homosexual feelings within themselves, but are in deep denial. Your description of your friends’ actions and words over time seems to make a good case for this. I would speculate that it seems likely that he has strong homosexual feelings that he refuses to consciously accept. His on again/off again flirting with you, his constant demands to know your relationship status/sexual activity, his overt and overly aggressive display of dating girls, and even his increased distance from his own family (whom you said he always loved from the time you met him) might very well indicate that he is in an internal battle over his sexual identity. He may even have a crush on you or at least see you as someone that can help him get answers to the sexual identity questions that he is not willing to ask himself. Regardless, it would seem that you may have woken up a questioning inside of him, so while he seems to value you as a friend, every time he has contact with you the question of his sexual identity may be thrown back into his consciousness. That would make being friends with you sort of a love/hate relationship. And it may also explain his very extended intervals between answering your contacts/queries. If this is the case, I don’t see what you can do other than maintain your distance from him. Mainly for the sake of your own well-being, but also for his. If he really wants to come to terms with his issue(s) and wants your help he may contact you again at a time of his own choosing. Or he may resolve his issues himself and be willing to ‘come clean’ with you in order to reestablish your friendship. But if he tries to reestablish contact and return to the status quo (i.e. emotionally abusing you and being unwilling or unable to resolve his own issue(s)), you might want to consider just telling him to go away because any relationship with him has only been emotionally detrimental to you for years now – or just block him the way he has blocked you. Alternately, if he really is straight, he is abusing you in the worst possible way and you should definitely cut off all contact with him. Ultimately, though you have to live your own life. Wasting emotional capital on a situation that you can’t control, or really influence at this point, only creats artificial obstacles in your life. I know it is very hard, but you have to try to let it go and refocus your efforts on things around you such as your school work, hobbies, and/or a boyfriend. And, as faustian1 also said, it might help to get some counseling or at least peer group support for your own emotional well-being. Just my thoughts. I don’t know if this helps at all. Take Care. Stay strong and proud!
That sounds terrible. It seems like he is deeply troubled, quite possibly concerning his own sexuality. It seems that insulting you and the friendship you two shared was a way for him to try to get rid of his curiosity completely. However, I will bet that he will come back at one point, and I suggest you not respond to him. Unless that is in 10 years or so when you feel that he has really matured and has apologized for everything. If he just talks to you again as if nothing happened in a few months, just ignore him. You can't help these people and it's best not to let them affect you.
I'm sorry that you had to experience that. If it's for any comfort, I know exactly how it is to have someone who's close to you and abusing you emotionally. That person did have several serious mental disorders though and I guess that's what caused their behavior really. What I've been thinking of specifically in this case is why his behavior just suddenly changed. Perhaps he met other people who convinced him to think in a different way? Maybe got in touch with the wrong kind of people? That we may never know. You have gotten great replies so far and I agree with them. Trust me, you're going to feel so much better once you've let him go and accepted that you can't continue the friendship with him. If he ever comes back to you, make sure he apologies deeply and gives you a serious explanation to why he acted like he did, before you consider taking to him again.
Thank everyone for your wise advice and kind comments. I did what I could. The reason I can't just leave him during those months because I am his family friends, often visiting them during festival times, and also, I do love him. He's a guy that spent his time helping me through my anxiety disorder, and said I am special and his "one" to him. For sometime, I feel so foolish and inadequate about how I fall for his words. Occasionally, I still think back about the time he stand in front of my door , saying I am special to him, but left when I asked him why. It kept replaying in my mind. But, I guess I could never find the true unless he admit his feeling for me or so. But, I know I have to leave. and I did. I told his family that regardless of what happen, I will still visit them and will never forget their kindness to me for all these years. I don't blame him, because I could never hate him. Maybe, just maybe, he's gay or bi or I don't know. And all these questioning had cause so much internal struggle that the only way to deal with it is to hurt me. If so, like what you all advise, there's nothing I do.This doesn't mean I accept this emotional abuse. It's mean I wanted to move on, and although I love him for all these years, I can't help him when he refuse every support I offer. We can only help others when they finally accept they need help. I had also spoken to a few of my friends regarding about this. Most blamed me for asking him those questions. But, I don't wish to take negativity to heart. I had enough depressive and anxiety thoughts intrude each days. Some of my friend told me that he never react this way to them before. And, it's rather strange for someone like him to be so cold to you, they believe he might have some romantics or sexual feeling for me before, but unable to reciprocate due to his family church belief < it's ermm pretty homophobic, they even do a monthly seminar on how homosexuality destroy family> and his university friends. I thought, it could be because of his family upbringing. I never tell his parents I am not straight, and he once told me not to mention anything since his mothers and grandparents dislike it. He respect his mother deeply, I could tell. He often spoke highly of his mother, and always worried if his bad grades or even words choice affect his mother. Yes, his mother love him very much, which is why she asked me to talk to him about his cold behaviour, a few month ago. I thought it could be he don't want to disappoint his mother and his family? A number of my friends told me , he's acting as if he's in a romantic relationship with you, with all those jealousy involved and then denial everything he said or do, and then blame you for remembering it. honestly, I never feel we are "just friend" after we had gotten our university choices result. He never make those joke during our 2 years of A level studies, he just started strange things after we gotten our result. It could be the feeling of finally separated had gotten into him? Thank you all for your supportive comments. It truly helps me and assured my sense of self. I just wish, one day, hopefully he finally understand himself and be the sweet and wonderful guy I know during our school years together. I had no clue why he get angry over everything I said or do, and lied his way. so many question. , yet so many unanswered. I am certain he will be back, but that's not my concern. My main concern is he should stay true to himself and respect himself, his family, and me, and only when he's honest with his feeling to me, then I will consider his return.
I have been in a somewhat similar position. My best friend, who had a girlfriend, would stay at my house and sleep in my bed. We'd hug and he would get me to lie on top of him. He'd let me touch him and then tell me that he loved me. Then he would say he wasn't gay and that if he was, he wouldn't look twice at me. When I said that I wanted our friendship to end for my own sanity, he would cry. He would say things to his girlfriend about me (not about our antics), so that she hated me. He did the same with me about her. This went on for two years. Finally, out of nowhere, I met a guy and we have been together 10 years now. My late teens were ruined by him. He was so jealous when I started going out with my boyfriend. I didn't have him stay at mine and there wasn't one hug shared. We stayed friends a while and he would say to my boyfriend that he could have him if he wanted. But my boyfriend would always say things like yea right, I'd eat you alive or I like good looking men. I told my boyfriend everything about my past with him and even blamed myself for some of the things that happened. But to get back to the point, I felt emotionally abused by my friend. He used me and made me love him and led me on. As soon as I met someone new, it stopped and I regained my power and the friend had lost the hold over me, that he seemed to really enjoy. I know you want to love him because it's him and you can't imagine loving anybody else. But you have to ask yourself, that even if you did get together... How easy would it be with his religious family around and the struggles he'd have in life. You would probably still receive blame and have a rocky relationship. In my 30 years of living, I have come across people who have had dilemmas a little bit like this, sans the religion. It didn't end well. You will need to move on I'm afraid, but you won't move on until you move on. You can't just do it with a click of the finger. But this will never be a relationship you long to have, unfortunately.
