So this may seem like a weird question, but let me give a little background first (if you want more just look at any of my threads). There was this openly gay guy I liked at school last year, I came out to him, he rejected me, blocked me on FB, etc. I really really love him and became extremely depressed bc of what happened. He is an amazing swimmer who competes on two teams. I was kicked out of home and sent to live with my aunt for being gay, and I am completely seperated from that guy and will never see him again. I even started cutting bc of everything that happened to me. 4 weeks ago, I decided I wanted to join the swim team and be an amazing swimmer. I basically live in the pool, I swim twice a day, I work so so hard to swim, and I even got a personal instructor and I love swimming. But I keep wondering to myself, am I doing swimming to fill some empty void from the guy I love who I'll never see again? Do I really love swimming, or is it to fulfill some subconscious desire of mine? I have never ever seen myself work so hard and be so committed to do something before. What do you all think?
That is hard to say. The reason we do anything, or the reason of our being as a whole is sometimes hard to grasp. What matters most is how you feel about it. You seem like you're enjoying swimming and you are feeling some sense of accomplishment. That is a great thing, and if it pleases you as well, why not continue it? Maybe one day you will have a clearer idea of why you began swimming, but for the time being, just continue doing what you enjoy.
I agree with AlmostBlue that you should continue. I also think that you probably are doing it for some related psychological reason. However, if you happen to discover that you not only like swimming but are exceptional at it, then you can thank the Crush That Blocked You for that. I can tell you that I think I have done things that are comparable myself. There is nothing wrong with a strange little mind game (if that is indeed what it is), if it leads to constructive outcomes. Not only that, but the athletic outlet will do wonders for any depression you might feel. Perhaps you're trying to compete with him, show him you're better than he is. If so, then go for it! I like that, for some reason.
I think I can relate to this. I kind of had a crush I didn't admit to on a guy who liked metal music. I listen to metal but not that much... and then I started listening to it all the time and learning songs on guitar etc. hahaha. But I enjoyed it, so it's ok. In your case, swimming is a pretty healthy thing to do, and if you're liking it then there's no need to worry
Does it really matter why you do it if you're enjoying it ? I think you should continue as long as you like doing it.
Yea I guess you all are right I just kind of feel weird about it lol bc id like to understand what's making me want to do it so bad
