Engaged; feeling guilt and confusion.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It seems like you already have an answer though: It doesn't feel right for you to marry your fiance. I think it is wise to question whether you are really in love with her or not, and to take into consideration your strong desire to be with women. Can you really be in a friendship based marriage for the rest of your life? Could you really give up having any other sexual and romantic experiences with other men? It may be hard to decide as your religious upbringing makes it hard for you to imagine a future with a man, but your desires must still be there, and you should really try to listen to it. They don't magically disappear, but often times builds up to an uncontrollable level.

I would suggest at least to postpone planning the wedding and give some time to really think about this. The last thing you want to do is have a terrible marriage where you hurt both yourself and your wife, possibly your kids, and lose many years of both of your lives. Perhaps you can post this also on LGBT later in life forum. There are many on that forum that have experienced something similar, and I imagine they can give you better advice.

 

It sounds you love your fiancee more like a friend than a lover. You need to be honest with her that you think you might be gay. If you're not honest now, it will be harder on her in the actual marriage. Plus, if kids are involved, this will complicate things.

Have a heart to heart discussion with her.

 

Go read the stories in the Later in Life section. Read how marriages and families have been destroyed when one member was gay in a straight relationship. See what your future may hold.

Some make it work, but that seems to be the exception.

 

How long are you going to keep it all inside? How long until your glances start betraying you? How long until you yearn to have sex with a man again? How long until you start searching for men online? How long until you get caught?

I think you're essentially entering a charade marriage:

So you're already lying to her if you can't share that information.

She supports your bisexuality, so far, but I think you pretty much know you're gay.

This should be a big red flag. I mean, I care about my friends, especially my best friend. Doesn't mean I want to marry her.

This is your repressive upbringing talking, if you do want to be yourself and come out as a gay man, you should probably go to a counselor.

You say you're 80% sure you're gay... if a friend told me this, I'd be 100% sure they're gay.

Again, you need to do a lot of work. That is, again, if you want to truly come out and live a life as a gay man.

Again, counseling.

Again, more red flags. This is because your fiancée is not a man.

I can't really say anything here, except...

I don't think your heart is in it 100%...

Gay people can be parents, it is possible. From this it sounds like you want a uterus.

I can't tell you if you're a Kinsey 4 or 5, but if I had a vote (I don't, but here are my two cents...) I'd say you're gay. A gay man who can get off to a woman, but a gay man.

Again, only you can really determine your sexuality, but I really think you're gay. And... here from behind my keyboard, for what it's worth, I think getting married to this woman is a mistake. You're free to do whatever you want with your life, so feel free to disregard everything I've said, but please, like OnTheHighway said:

Sorry if I sounded harsh sometimes! (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

 

Please, please listen to your heart. I know that it all seems so right on paper for you to go ahead and marry this woman that you love, but you are not being honest with her. If she knew what you were thinking, would she want to go through with the marriage? Ponder that and best wishes. I know it is so hard to come to terms with who you are when you have what you "should want" just laid out before you.

 

Rex,

You're clearly in a lot of anguish that only someone of integrity would be in. As a gay man of faith, I think that anguish is a gift and a message.

Where do those butterflies in your stomach come from? Why would palms sweat, why would the breath be short, why would the words suddenly fail? To a sociologist that's anxiety, to a doctor it's a hormonal reaction, but to a person of faith it could be one of the most precious gifts that we are given by our Creator.

It complicates my life in a very good way when I meet a guy who gives me butterflies. The ache of wanting him, or the peace that can only come by telling him (or hinting to him) how truly beautiful he is, however difficult to handle, is somehow good. It's like this thing that needs to find balance.

This is where it gets complicated. To my knowledge there is an orientation sexually, and an orientation romantically. In my case life is easy because I long for spiritually and intellectually the same person that I want to <bleep>. All signs lead to gay, although occasionally I meet a woman who I can't help but admire. As simple as that is it can be unsettling for me. But I know I could never be with her sexually out of a need to find spiritual wholeness with someone else. The question of integrity for me was more about the pain of coming out than the discernment of my romantic and sexual orientation.

Please, wherever your butterflies and sweaty palms lead you - trust that it's of God. I promise you (as someone who's 43 and likely a bit older) that those "inconvenient" feelings are some of the sweetest things you can ever experience. Honor that sacred and even difficult part of yourself and trust that you know what integrity is for you, either way you go.

Patrick

 

Rex, I tend to post more in Later in Life because that's where I'm at in my journey.

You have more insight into yourself and your sexuality than I did before marrying my wife. I'm now 47, with two children, and soon heading for divorce.

I know your story all too well. It was my story 20 years ago. Next Wednesday, September 21st, I will be "celebrating" my 20th Anniversary. You can't imagine how strange and anti-climatic this will be when it should be a time of great joy and happiness. It's not.

Here's what I didn't count on - Before marrying my wife, I didn't count on how I would feel 20 years later. I didn't count on the enormous pain I would be in by denying myself a passion-filled sex life and trading it for the safety and security of a heteronormative life. I know about "I love my wife but I don't think I'm IN love with my wife." I thought it would be enough that I love her. It's not. I don't love her as she deserves to be loved, and as I need to be able to love her.

And then there's the other side of the coin. Her.

It's terribly unfair to her that you marry her on these false pretenses. I know you think since she believes you're bisexual then she is fairly warned. She won't be. I told my wife of my past relationships with men before we married. She believed that those were just "experimentation" and as the years went on, she forgot all about it. When I came out to her, she was totally shocked.

If you acknowledge now that you fantasize about men nearly exclusively, then it seems like you are gay. I think you are even identifying as gay by calling yourself a Kinsey 5. If you told her that you're a Kinsey 5, would she still marry you? She will feel betrayed and cheated, and that will be a righteous feeling. As the years go by, you will likely lose interest in her sexually. It happened to me, and I've seen so many examples of the same thing here on EC. It's easier to be able to perform with your fiancée when you're young. In your 40's, it becomes more difficult to maintain the false intimacy. Doesn't she deserve a passion-filled marriage?

She deserves to know before she makes a decision to marry you and spends the next decades with you before you break her heart down the road. And you'll probably have kids by then too. Coming out to your kids during your mid-life crisis won't be much fun either.

Some people might say that my comments to you are harsh. Some might say I'm wrong, that there are so many ways that relationships can go here in 2016. Some say I shouldn't tell you that you are gay and that you must come to acceptance on your own and in your own time.

It's hard for me to sit back, though, and read about you on the cusp of a choice that will determine the rest of your life. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to your place right now and call off the wedding. Of course, I don't really wish it because I love my kids more than anything and wouldn't change a thing. The fact that my journey has worked out well isn't a good reason to cause so much future pain for you and your future wife and future children.

You don't have to come out. But please, please don't marry her. I really think you will regret it later in life. You're already posting here on EC. Do you really think you can keep this up for the next 50 years?

 

Hey Rex,
I think the best decision you could have made so far was getting onto this site.
I too understand what your going through, with the exception of marriage on the line. I just came out to my gf of 10yrs two days ago. We have a beautiful 1 year old and our relationship has always been full of love and trust. Like yourself, my family is head over heels over my gf. Being that we have such a strong connection I never felt the need to satisfy my urge to be with a man during our relationship. love her so much I couldn't see breaking her heart. The truth is that I'm aware that I'm gay, and sexually attracted to men. This feeling I was ignoring in hopes it would just go away only grew stronger. I finally told her, it was very infomal and unplanned. She completely understood and was there for me instead of the other way around. My point is, don't expect a specific situation to go as you think it will go. It might go surprisingly well, granted that's not the common case but if she loves you then she will understand. She will still be heart broken and go through the grieving process but it might make your relationship stronger. Whatever the outcome just know you always have us to back you up. Wish you nothing but the best. Good luck Rex!

 

Yes, like many married gay men and women, I married my best friend. Of course you love her and want to be around her. You have a deep and intimate friendship with her. But it's still a friendship and that's not really enough to sustain a long and fulfilling marriage. Can't she just be your best friend? Don't you really just want to be her gay best friend?

 

I also was best friends with my ex girlfriend and I loved spending every minute with her, loved cuddling with her, even got hard with her....but I just knew that something wasn't right, and at the time I blamed it on other aspects of her that I didn't like or thought weren't compatible with my personality. She's with someone else now and I myself finally was able to man up and accept that I'm gay, and I'm glad I did. I know it's hard, especially given that you are engaged, but I suggest you be completely honest with her as soon as possible. The longer you wait the worse it will be. Good luck.

 

Rex,

I've been thinking about your situation and sending positive thoughts your way. If you want to talk more (and about faith especially) please let me know and/or private message me.

Warmly,

Patrick

 

My simple answer to you is run. Get out now. I am going through this with a man wh has left a severe path of destruction with different female partners. I am the only one who knows he is gay. His wife of 10 years, he is divorcing and she doesn't know why. They never had kids because the sex life went sour. He is able to finish with a woman, but when you are married for years on end the luster of being sexual wears out and if there is no fantasy or deep love the marriage will diminish anyway.

It is going to hurt both of you. But you have to be true to yourself and especially her. You owe her that if you love her as a friend. She deserves better out of life and in the end you do too!

Be brave! Good luck!