I'll explain a lot of stuff here... I'll answer questions about anything too. I'll describe some more stuff about myself too that might be helpful or might be irrelevant. Prepare yourself because this will be all really weird, as I am being more honest here than I've ever been. I am admitting things I never even admitted to myself. I was led on by a girl this year and she was the only girl I ever dated. We had two dates only and I felt I really loved her but at the same time I don't, because I feel weird about another girl now and I don't even know her despite we having talked on Facebook for almost a month now every now and then. It's been a bit over a month since the girl who led me on last talked to me. I like to say I hate her even though honestly I don't but I feel jealous about her because she has a social life and stuff and I am loser who has no friends to go out with. I am not an awkward person but in another way I am. I don't know exactly how to deal with people personally and I feel I look a bit fake when dealing with them even though I am not fake, except for minor stuff like saying I'm ok when I'm not and stuff like that. And I also tend to always try to make myself believe I am like the person I admire at the moment. Even though, deep inside, I know it's not me. I talked to that girl who led me on for like 3 months pretty much every day and we had everything in common and such. It was dreamy, she was definitely the one in my eyes. Nowadays I love to tell everyone I hate to date, I hate relationships, I don't want anyone etc... Even though truly I just pretend to be laying down with this new girl and hugging her and also I am sexually attracted to her. I am talking about that one I've been talking to for almost a month now. She added me randomly on Facebook and we have no friends in common, not from the same city or state and there is no indication of where she might have found me, I think she saw me on a Facebook comment though, I comment on pages a lot. That is not the relevant part, but I feel attached to her. And she is not fake. I love to tell others about it that I hate her and that she always starts talking to me, and she actually started most conversations but I started some too. She seemed interested in talking when she texted first but not much when I texted first. I love to tell others I want her to leave me alone but I actually hate to admit even to myself the truth that I actually hope she talks to me. I am not nervous about texting her first, but I keep it for later all the time. This has been going for two days now. I wanna text her but I never do and I am not nervous at all. The other times I texted her, I was confident about it and did it as soon as I felt the need to. She liked a Facebook selfie of mine as soon as I posted it (actually used the love it feature) and I felt weirdly good about it. But I told everyone I HATED it. I tell people I wanna push her away but I honestly don't admit it to myself, the truth is... I don't want to push her away. I want to talk to her more and I am more attached to her which is weird. I like to say I hope she just goes away and call her names when I talk about her to others, but I treat her very nicely and don't feel the need to treat her in a bad way. But when others say things like, "you talk about a person you don't even know and she could be a good person", "you actually care dude you just say you don't, but like it or not there is something going on there", I love it when they say that stuff. I love it when they say she could be an amazing person. Now, when people say I will still find the one, I don't find it exciting. But if they hint at this girl being possibly the one or a great person I feel so good, but I lie to myself and tell myself I hate it, even if deep down I know I love such a weird thing. She is a stranger who I can't dream of seeing personally, yet I started feeling butterflies in my stomach thinking of her. And I get aroused too. Speaking of dreams, this night I dreamed of her. I dreamed that she had a flood in her town and that her house was destroyed or something and I went there to rescue her, it was soooooooo weird. But I kinda loved it. And I like to imagine myself in bed with her huggind and kissing her passionately. I find her attractive but I also tell myself she looks weird. I heard her voice and I find her accent a bit cringe and I really feel awkward listening to it half of the time. The other half of the time, I feel blessed to hear her voice. Her voice is not anything spectacular but I like it. And I heard her singing and I loved it so much and I hate to admit it kinda. But what I can't deny is that before sleeping I often listen to her audio message singing and I feel like I'm in heaven when I hear this particular part of it. And originally this whole post was intended to be short as the mere thought of explaining it bored me out of my mind, but now I want to keep going, I want to keep talking about her. I wanna write walls of text about this girl, and I want to play scenes of myself being with her in my head. I am doing so right now too. I think I'm gonna text her after this, too. I am honestly more excited about her than I think I was about the girl who led me on (I might be mistaken as I might be thinking the intensity of things as less than they were), and I really, really said so much about loving that girl. I have liked girls before and I really liked/loved them intensely before but this was the only time I got anywhere. I have had "relationships" with girls before too, like, from far away I think only once and twice from my city but never went to see them, and I never loved those I just wanted status to be honest. I only had it feel mutual this one time. But I wanna talk about this new girl. I won't say I love her because it definitely is not love and it is awkward as hell to say I love an almost stranger. But I kinda feel the need to be with her and I even imagined myself, very briefly, at her house listening to music with her family and being in a relationship with her. I imagined myself showing off to them. I don't even know what to talk about her but I want to talk about her. I just saw her Facebook picture and I think I love it. So good looking even though somehow I never found her type of girl to be pretty, always found them forgettable. But something about her has me drawn to her and I wonder what the hell it is. I think I am desperate. I have never kissed a girl's lips before, never had sex, have gone to 4 parties my whole life (they were school parties too), never hang out with friends and never do anything. And I know relationships are mostly not long term and people accept that just fine but I like to pretend things are huge for me and I like long term. I love being dramatic about it all. And yes right now I looked at the new girl's picture again. That sums it all up. I have no idea of what love is whatsoever, never been drawn to a personality much, except not love-wise, I have been drawn to my idols' personalities before and I am drawn to one right not also, but I never loved a girl's personality, it has always started with her looks. I am the romantic type. I think I drowned the girl who led me on in excessive romantic behavior. I used to be aroused with her from time to time and her nudes never aroused me and her talking about sex always made me pretend to be aroused when in fact I had trouble being aroused at all, but I still find her hot and would have sex with someone like her. In the first weeks when I'm in "love" with a girl I find it even taboo to look at her sexually. I start exploring thinking about her sexually after some time then the way I see her gets kinkier and when the "love" dies I have no limits and can even imagine myself being her and having sex with a male figure (I am not gay nor bi, I don't like men romantically, I find it very uninteresting to imagine having sex with one, but just imagining the figure can arouse me from time to time but would never try it in real life), and then after some time the girl no longer looks sexually interesting to me. Right now I kinda forgot about the new girl and reminded of a girl I used to like and I am a bit interested in her now. That's all. I feel this is going to be painfully weird for anyone to read.
