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Crush on "straight" guy

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mlansing, Sep 16, 2016.

  1. mlansing

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    So I have this crush on this guy I know who says he is straight and has a girlfriend. The thing is, normally if I know a guy is straight I just see a brick wall and I don't entertain the idea any further, but this guy has given off indications that would suggest to me that he might be gay or bi curious. The problem is, I fell in love once with a "straight" guy with a girlfriend before and it was emotional agony and torture (and it turns out he liked me the whole time but he was just too chicken shit to come out). I don't want to get burned like that again. Any thoughts on the best way to approach this? I wouldn't mind being friends I guess but if nothing's going to happen I don't want my feelings to just linger on and on, which I fear they would. I should add that he knows I'm gay :help:

    ---------- Post added 17th Sep 2016 at 12:28 AM ----------

    I should also say that part of the reason I think he might be gay or bi is that he has been a tad flirty with me. It's one thing if two straight guys are joking around but another if a "straight" guy is flirting with an openly gay man. I don't know, maybe he's just an attention whore, but then if he is somewhat into me I feel like he's being a dick to his girlfriend by continuing to string her along :frowning2:
     
  2. ABeautifulMind

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    If he is somewhat into you, there is a chance he is not really ready to accept that yet, hence the GF... also the chance he is bi and likes his GF... I am one of those types that believe flirting isnot really cheating...

    All that being said, I would probably just try to move on. Honestly it sounds like your in the very beginning of a crush. If that is true, it will get worse. I would try to walk away before that happened.. But I have had a really bad crush, so I tend to do my best to avoid them...

    Maybe you can even reconnect once he is single, if him and his girlfriend break up... but otherwise, I dont think you really want to be why he breaks up with his girlfriend, even if he would... It would just lead to resentment if he is bi and liked her...

    I know Im probably not too helpful, but I only have my experience to go on, and my experience says because you dont appear to be head over heels in love, you should probably just walk away...


    No matter what, I wish you the best of luck... hopefully someone will be along shortly with better advice :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  3. mlansing

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    Yes, that is what I keep telling myself, to move on before it gets worse, which it will. I've been down this road before and it didn't end well. It just helps to hear it from an outside perspective. I appreciate ya :wink:
     
  4. mlansing

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    So I hate to keep posting on this thread but the last time I hung out with him I was getting quite a few signals that he likes me, which just confuses me and keeps me on the hook (it's like drinking too much...sure it's a high in the moment but you know it's going to hurt later). The thing is too I met him through a mutual friend who is an older gay man, married to a man, and he and my crush spend a lot of time together. So the older gay guy (Tom) was actually getting jealous because he was saying that my crush (Dave) was showing off for me and started getting territorial suggesting to me that my crush really is into me. The problem is of course that I'm in agony over it and I've been begging myself to walk away because I've been in this shitty situation before and I don't want to go down this road again but I can't stop thinking about him :frowning2:

    ---------- Post added 26th Sep 2016 at 01:05 AM ----------

    I suppose the logical thing to do is to not hang out with him anymore at all but Tom is actually an old family friend and has been really supportive of me when I came out to him recently and I figure if I'm spending time with Tom I'm inevitably going to see Dave because they spend so much time together. Then again I don't much care for this new dynamic of Tom getting jealous and I wouldn't want us to have a falling out over this guy (I've known Tom for about 16 years and like I said he's a family friend, but dang he's already got a man!).

    ---------- Post added 26th Sep 2016 at 01:12 AM ----------

    Also Dave invited me to go camping with them and I agreed. I think in the big picture the only reason I'm in this much torture is because I feel that our feelings are mutual (just like with the last time this happened). But if I've learned anything from the last time this happened is that you can be the love of a guy's life but if he's not ready to be gay you're screwed. I can see lots of potential heartache ahead (which of course is already happening) but I don't know that I want to give up so soon either.
     
  5. ABeautifulMind

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    We never walk away do we? :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    If Dave is still dating the girl you should try and avoid him... If he isnt you should tell him how you feel. But I would not suggest that if he is dating the girl still...

    Camping is definitely only going to make you fall for him more... Just the few of you in the middle of the woods... Not to mention if you get to be too good of friends it is only going to make things harder regardless of what choice you make in the future...


    For your own good, try to avoid the situation...

    If you cant, while your camping work on finding out if he has any feelings for the girl (I assume) he is dating... If he does you really shouldnt say anything if you actually want to have a chance.. breaking them up when he has feelings for her will never lead to a fruitful relationship... Maybe a fling or something similar, but it will most probably eventually fail because of resentment...

    We can never just walk away... Especially if we perceive ANY glimmer of hope.. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Honestly i hope you figure out exactly what you want to do, and more importantly, that what you do works out in your favor :wink:
     
    #5 ABeautifulMind, Sep 26, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2016
  6. mlansing

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    Thanks very much for validating my feelings for him. It's easy to sit here and tell myself I'm being ridiculous and that I need to move on but the reality is always different. The thing about the gf is that he is clearly unhappy with her and was actually asking Tom and me ideas for what he should do with her while hanging out one on one. We suggested he take her to this seafood restaurant, to which he replied that sounds like something I'd rather do with you guys. But the problem I think is like the earlier commenter said that if he does have feelings for me he's not ready to deal with it and so the gf is his assurance that he is in fact straight. I do like the idea of telling him I like him, though, if/when they broke up. Thanks again. :icon_bigg
     
  7. mlansing

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    Ah, I see now that you and the original commenter are the same person (I was on my phone earlier). Thanks for replying again :icon_wink
     
  8. mlansing

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    So new situation...he broke up with his girlfriend, which makes him fair game now. I know I want to say something to him but I'm not sure what, because I'd like to express interest without coming across as the creepy gay friend.

    It turns out I can't make the camping trip because they're going a weekend I'm out of town, but the camping trip was tied into a trip to a Renaissance festival and he said that he goes to those more than once a season and that we could go together one weekend and I should just let him know when I want to go (at which point I got his number of course...wasn't going to miss that opportunity). So I'm thinking go with him to Ren fair (which by the way I love Ren fairs...are we clearly not perfect for each other? lol) and then maybe say something casual by the end of it to the effect of "not to make things awkward between us but I think you're a great guy and if you ever wanted give guys a try let me know" and then get the hell out of there. Good idea? Bad idea?

    I should also add that while we were hanging out last night he mentioned he had asked himself before if he might be gay but that he's still visually attracted to girls, so I mean, maybe that's like an opportunity for me to say something that won't seem totally out of left field. At any rate, if I've learned anything from liking "straight" guys in the past it's that I need to say something or forever hold my peace.
     
  9. I'm gay

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    Excellent idea.

    If you're willing to walk away from a friendship because you are attracted to him (I applauded you for making that decision BTW), then you should definitely tell him. Either he wants you or not, stalemate ended. I think this is the honest and mature path. Go for it!
     
  10. mlansing

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  11. Lora

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    Does he resent the breakup? If he does, make sure that you're not a rebound of a confused questioning straight guy. Why don't you let the dust settle down for a while? Spend less time with him but don't break away. Then maybe after a week reconnect and tell your feelings. Whether he is gay or bi-curious, the question is, is he into you? Good luck. We're a bit on the same boat.
     
  12. mlansing

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    Good advice. She cheated on him apparently so he may be a tad bitter, but he did not seem in the least heartbroken (the breakup was likely going to happen with or without her cheating on him). My initial internal reaction when I found out was "crap, now I need to do something before he starts dating someone new!" But letting the dust settle a bit might be wise. Here's hoping against hope, and best of luck in your situation too :thumbsup:
     
  13. mlansing

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    So I went from being hopeful to pretty much wanting to move the F on in just one evening. I was hanging out with Tom and I brought up how Dave mentioned he wanted to go with me to Ren fair just so he wouldn't feel like I was being sneaky and Tom got SUPER possessive and jealous. Then later that night I found out Dave was on a date with a girl and he brought her to where we were hanging out :frowning2: if I just had to deal with one or the other I might feel like it would be worth hanging on, but I learned a while ago that love triangles and closeted guys are probably the most toxic situation to be in when you like someone. Now I wondering if I should even still invite him to Ren fair because I'm worried he might try to bring this girl, which would make for an extremely unpleasant experience for me :'(
     
  14. faustian1

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    You're such a wise and cynical person. And I'll bet you're 1,000,000 percent right about that prediction. I'll bet you he'd show up with her, and it'd probably wreck the day for you. Keep up the good work. If you get over this in a short time, you're a way better (more competent) person than I am.
     
  15. mlansing

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    All right, I invited him to Ren fair tomorrow via text, saying it was a spur the moment decision because there will be good weather this weekend (which is true). 4 possibilities:

    1. He doesn't respond...then I can move on!
    2. He responds but can't go...then I can move on!
    3. He responds and goes but brings a girl or other friend...then I can move on!
    4. He responds and goes and it's just the two of us...then we'll see...

    Odds are it won't be #4, and that's fine by me :grin:
     
  16. Shasta

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    I'm in the same situation Fb says she's straight. The whole 9 yards kids and grandkids, but I suspect she's into girls. I'm going to assume she's straight unless she tells me otherwise. So let him come out to you. Put yourself in their shoes how would you feel.
     
  17. mlansing

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    Assuming someone is straight unless told otherwise should be default mode, I agree.
     
  18. mlansing

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    The results are in, and the winning number is....*drum roll*....#1!!! The POS didn't even reply. Here's to having a great Ren fair experience without him :slight_smile: (his loss) :smilewave
     
  19. faustian1

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    I hope you really feel that it is his loss. Not only for the lack of sympatico, but also for the annoying, apparently generational habit, of being a complete moron by remaining silent when asked a question via text (unless, I suppose, it is a law enforcement officer asking the question).

    Good for you. Now get about the task of meeting at least one new acquaintance at the faire....
     
    #19 faustian1, Oct 22, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2016