First off, sorry for the long post. My husband and I have been together for 16 years. When we met, I was 19 and he was 26. We have been married now almost 5 years and recently our marriage has been different. He has been working really closely with a straight male friend on a big concert (they are both musicians) and he hasn't really had a lot of friends in the past so I was excited for him. As you get older, it is more difficult to make meaningful connections with people that you want to be friends with and it seemed like they were becoming good friends. Early on I noticed that my husband was smoking more (he had sort of quit) and drinking more. He was ALWAYS working but I didn't really think anything of it for the first 2 months. Once they had their first performance, we all went out to celebrate and I definitely felt like the third wheel that night but his friend's girlfriend was there too so I spent more time with her instead. It was then that I realized that he hadn't been affectionate with me in a long time...not just sexually but also there had been no hugging, kissing, cuddling, or even tokens of affection for a long time. I brought it to his attention and he immediately said I was jealous because he had a new friend and he knew that would happen. He said I was smothering him and that was why he had trouble making friends. I felt horrible. So, I ignored the way I felt as much as I could for a couple of weeks after that. Then, I started to notice his behavior and moods revolved around his friend and he started making comments about his friend's appearance. I'm not proud of it but I went onto his internet history and saw searches for "I'm in love with my straight best friend" and I was crushed. I tried to keep it in and not say anything but, when it finally came out, I couldn't admit to seeing his internet history and just told him that it bothered me that nothing had changed and he didn't seem to want to be affectionate with me. We argued about it and then he said he no longer found me attractive because I've gained weight - I've gained 25 pounds in the past 16 years and have weighed about the same for the past 5-6 years. That hurt a lot to hear but I still tried to talk about how he was feeling without letting my own insecurity into the mix. Now, it is all I can think about. Not to mention that, when I try to bring the conversation back up, he gets angry and we never get anywhere with it. I am feeling incredibly alone in this relationship but I don't want to destroy our marriage. I just don't know how to handle this situation...and I don't know how NOT to obsess about this. As I am typing, he is out having drinks with his friend.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Even if his friend is straight, this is a betrayal on the part of your husband. It is especially terrible that he has shifted the blame on you, telling you that you are jealous and that you're not attractive enough instead of plainly admitting that he has fallen for someone else. Has he always been defensive/aggressive? How has your relationship been in the past 16 years? That is a long time and I'm sure it's hard to reinterpret him and your relationship but I think it is important to constantly focus on what is happening in the present, and really think about whether it is working for you or not. I personally find your husband's behavior to be truly appalling. You would expect more respect from someone you've shared 16 years of your life. I think it's ok to bring up the search history and to really confront him and discuss this. If he avoids the discussion or shifts blame on you, then that is a sign that this really cannot continue as is. In any case, once again I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but I have a strong feeling that there are countless men out there who would treat you better and find you attractive than your current husband.
I think the first thing to say is that he has just been through a pretty intense situation. I'd say you have supported him but he has probably been so involved he didn't even notice. Regarding the 'now' I would say that you go to him and say 'I'm feeling neglected. Can we make time for us?' Basically his answer will define your position.
Have you considered sitting down with him, opening a bottle of wine when yiu are alone, having a few glasses together and then suggest visiting with a marriage counsellor? You have been together for a very long time and small little issues build up over time that, left unaddressed, can lead to strains in such a long term relationship. There is nothing wrong with seeking the advice of a counsellor, and you might find it extremely beneficial.
Hi, I am so sorry to hear about your problem. I was 20 when I met my partner and we have been together 10 years and will be getting married in 2018. I have to say that if I had found the internet history, I would without hesitation, bring it up. Your husband is supposed to the one you can run to. He is supposed to be the support you need and not the one to make you feel the way you are feeling. I know what it is like to put weight on over the years, I am slightly overweight, but nothing alarming. My boyfriend has a six pack. I am very insecure about it and he says that he loves me anyway. However, he did say that he would like to see me 10 pounds lighter, like I was when we first met, but it doesn't come easy to lose weight. He calls me sexy and I am like What?? Anyway, getting back to the point... I do think that your husband has got it bad for this guy. However, he will fall flat on his ass, as the guy is straight and he is risking his life with you, for a crush. I would never recommend you leaving him, because you have had 16 years together and maybe the two of you know each other enough to work things out. What I am advocating, is that you should possibly go on to a dating/friendship social networking site and look for guys and girls to make friends. Have a little independence from your relationship and definitely not wait for him to come home, to find out any details. I know what it is like for your relationship to hit real hard times and the one you love has probably made you more happy and hurt you more than anybody. He will end up making you feel worthless, so get up if you feel like you can lose weight, do it. Find some friendships and let your husband know that while you love him, you won't standby and be made to feel the way you do. You would be going out the comfort zone and I would be the same too. But if you show another side of yourself, it might remind him of the you he once fell in love with. When I get a certain way because of weight gain and then drop like 7 pounds, my boyfriend is all over me because I'm showing that confidence I once had and he will say, where the hell did you come from, it's the old you. Sorry to babble on, but we all want support from our partners and you deserve the same thing. Keep us updated, I will follow your story.
Thank you all for your comments! It really helped to have a different set of perspectives. After I posted this, we had a couple of other conversations that still left me feeling unsure and I was so anxious and not sleeping much. We did agree to go to counseling but it seemed like I was the only one committed to counseling. From what I've read, I knew that counseling wouldn't work unless we were both committed to fixing the issues in our relationship. Finally, this past weekend, my husband started talking about how he was feeling. He said that he wanted to get a divorce. He admitted that he did have a crush on his friend but that he knows it won't go anywhere and he is trying to work through that. He did say, though, that he was using the weight as an excuse for the fact that he hasn't felt the same way about me for the last couple of years. He said that he didn't know how to tell me he wanted to end our marriage because he didn't want to hurt me and that he wanted to make sure before he said anything. He felt that maybe he was going through a mid-life crisis or something and didn't want to ruin our relationship if he wasn't sure. Now, he is sure. We actually had a very open and honest conversation about everything and I feel like I understand him. We have built up so much in our relationship over 16 years that we think we can remain friends and be supportive of each other even if we aren't married. Of course, we have had ups and downs over the past few days but I do appreciate the honesty. I feel better (minus the crying) knowing the truth and not sitting around and wondering. I am still working through my emotions about this - I haven't been single for a LONG time. It may sound a little cliche but we both deserve to be happy and, although I still feel the same love for him that I always have, he deserves to find someone he feels that way about too. And I deserve to be with someone that reciprocates my feelings. Thank you all!
I would say that he is not acting like a mature partner, let alone a husband. IMO, addiction (smoking and/or alcohol) is a sign of serious issues. If he is falling for a straight guy, then he is not even being logical about his affections. It could be his work schedule is too busy, and perhaps his only long term solution would be to reduce it. You should talk to a professional counselor on your own, even if your husband eventually decides to go for some couples therapy, because it seems you have been the one who is going to hurt more from any potential separation. Also, it would help to have friends, both gay and straight, for you to rely on during this difficult period. Before you start thinking about someone else, you need to be comfortable with yourself as an individual human being. Self-development is within your control.
I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you two finally were able to communicate and that things are clearer for you now. You show immense amount of maturity and respect both for yourself and him, and I think that's really admirable. I do think that you are giving your partner too much credit though, as I still think that he behaved poorly and is really not up to your level of maturity. I'm sure you will find someone great sometime soon. Good luck!
