Ruined everything with my best friend

Hey, I've recently turned 16 and I've had this issue for quite a long time. I'd appreciate any advice from you, because I have no clue about what I should do now.

So I had this friend for about two years, we got on very well and I ended up falling for him. This made me realise and finally accept that I was gay, but I couldn't tell him for several reasons: First, the society I live in is still permeated with homophobia, even though my country has advanced a lot in LGBT rights. Most boys feel like they have to keep this homophobic face to seem "real men"; second, I didn't want to tell him anything before having an appropriate idea about his feelings; third, he told me he liked a girl. :dry:
This last thing didn't necessarily mean I had lost the game, I thought. In fact, he had a funny way to like girls. He avoided her and would only express his feelings through ridiculous publications on social networks. The thing got serious about three months ago, when he wrote: «I love you Victoria» -yeah, he even missed a comma. We'll call them Victoria and Nate- but I'm skipping some interesting events before that.
He sent me mixed signals. The way we got angry at each other did not fit a normal fight between two guys. He liked my attention, he'd text me stuff like «I love you» or «I miss you» he often told me how much I meant for him and got jealous very easily. But I always felt Victoria's shadow upon me. Rumours were that she liked him back -he's a pretty one, indeed- but she was too proud to talk to him. Two years passed by before she decided to enter the game.
I got mad when he came up with the WhatsApp status. He didn't know her well -he didn't even talk to her- and was already stating that he loved her. I started to make my biggest mistake: walking away. We got angry at each other because of a stupid theatre play, and one day I opened my schoolbag at home and found all the letters I had written to him, my drawings and a friendship poem I had given him. That made me feel sick. According to him, he still keeps some stuff from me because it's special for him. Now I think he was only trying to get my attention in a desperate, silly way. :eusa_doh:

But holidays arrived and there was no time left to fix anything. He didn't text, I didn't text. When we got back to school, I couldn't find a proper way to talk to him and he couldn't speak either. The next week, he was talking to Victoria and they spend their time together since. He has texted a few times, telling me that he's in trouble and that he misses me, but I just can't get close to him. There's a huge pain that makes me act rude. From what I see, I can tell that Victoria isn't willing to make things easy for him.

The strange thing is, there's no PDA at school. I ignore if they see each other outside, and though I think it's quite possible, they're both used to stay at home. By the way, Victoria is the richest girl in the classroom, hence her pride. She's not that pretty, though. Not even the half to be worth her character.

Nate texted me yesterday, and I have the feeling it was his last attempt. I ruined it, of course. Now I don't now if I should have him back and explain my behaviour or just let him go. I don't know what I want and I feel that I've just thrown these last two years away. I've been very stupid and now I don't know how to handle this. I don't like the way she looks at me when they're together. I don't want to hear him complain about his love life. But I know I failed as a friend and he did not deserve that. And despite I walked away some months ago, I still haven't got him out of my head. Was any of this worth the pain? What should I do? :bang:
BTW, thanks for reading.

 

Hey Barbatus, thanks for replying!
I'm not sure what to think about his sexuality, even though I've been giving it thought for the past two years. He's obviously different to me than he has been to other guys, he always wanted to befriend me -I used to hate him before getting along, I guess I was in denial- and that stuff, but he's also forgotten about me sometimes and barely said thanks when I gave him any gift. The fact that he practically shouts to everyone that he loves Victoria makes me think I'm just reading all wrong.
However, I no longer care about that. I just don't want him to think I hate him or anything, and I've also given up on trying to show him what I feel. A lot of things have happened and I believe it's time for me to move on; I could even try staying friends with him without losing my place again. I've found out so many stuff recently and I just want to make everything simple for us, because I feel I'm reaching the end of something. It's hard to explain, but I don't want to keep acting like this.

 

Hey Barbatus.
I'll start off by trying to explain the things I found out.
I've got this friend whom I'll call Maggie. Her past is something dark and full of terrors, according to what she's told me; family issues and a lot of drama. I came out to her last month. She took it very well... more than I expected. I told her what was going on and she told me it didn't surprise her. A week ago, she confessed that she had already noticed every single thing. She didn't stop there: She confessed she had separated my cousin from her boyfriend and from her best friend last year on purpose. She also admitted that she had planned befriending me and made it look like a casual thing. Then she discovered my attitude towards Nate and when I decided to stop talking to him, she got closer to me. It was all part of a huge plan she's been developing for two years and involved some people she needed to make it work. I don't understand either, but apparently I was part of that plan. The final and most important stage of this plan was supposed to take place next year, but a few months ago, I decided to quit school before the others -I got bored and I want to try some studies to choose my career, I'd be skipping last year of school- and that ruined everything she had planned thoroughly. It sounds like fiction, and she is in fact a great fan of anime and complicated plots. The thing is I ruined something big; she cried after telling me all that and now I can't help but feeling guilty every time I remember my decision.
Maggie often told me that Nate texted her to know how I was doing, because I wouldn't say anything to him. She said that he asked her if I hated him and if I was having any trouble. I believed that, but it turned out to be bullshit. Last Saturday, she revealed that he hadn't texted her any of that stuff and that it was all part of a revenge plan she had against me for ruining her first plan. She changed her mind and told me everything before she changed her mind again. She's pretty messed up.
All these lies made me sick, so I just gave up and texted him to apologise for my behaviour. This may make no sense to you, but the stuff going through my mind just lead me there. He told me he was tired of insisting on people -I can read Victoria in those lines-, but he was still willing to be friends again. I don't want to get that involved with him, but I guess we are cool and I don't have to worry about him anymore. It's funny: my feelings for him doesn't feel very strong since I found out about those lies. I'm losing faith on humanity.
I hope I'll feel better soon, and I also hope this muddle I've written is somehow understandable. I don't know what's going to happen now.

 

Hey! I'm sorry I hadn't made any update. Things are definitely going better now, even though the situation hasn't changed that much. I didn't feel like dropping Maggie as she has been so supportive towards me, but I did get some steps away from her. I've come out to two more girls in my classroom and they were fantastic; I'll try to keep my coming out rate at one person per month, at least for now.
I approached Nate a couple days after texting him and although I tried to have a casual conversation, he was barely replying and I could tell he had argued with Victoria (I feel she's got some serious insecurities about all this). He felt bad about this later and texted my to apologise for the way he treated me. After this, I didn't approach him again because I didn't want to meddle and he didn't approach me either until yesterday. He was nice, we had a good talk and he even gifted me some Oreo cookies. It seems we'll take different paths in our lives, but I'm glad we can do it in good terms.

 

A lot has happened since my last update and I didn't know if I should make a new thread, but finally I decided not to bother. I've come out to my sisters and it went well.
I also came out to other of my female friends. Still not out to any guy.

I forgave Maggie and we keep being friends. I don't trust her anymore, though. Nate and Victoria stopped hanging out before last holidays and I never have seen them together since. For all I know, she never accepted to be his girlfriend and practically just fooled him.

I've been busy studying on my own so I can skip school for the rest of the year. Nate and I have been slowly starting to talk to one another again, mostly because of our project. I'm still afraid I might fall back for him, so I don't really want it to go further.

Anyways, something happened last week and I felt I had to put it somewhere. First I need to go back a couple years ago, when Nate left the only girlfriend he's had when he fell for Victoria. We'll call his ex Marina. After they broke up, Marina kept her feelings towards Nate for a while; Victoria used to tell Nate she didn't want anything with him because it would hurt Victoria. At the time, another guy, Andrew, had a crush on Victoria too. They flirted but it didn't go further either.

I should note here that Marina is my closest friend (the second person I ever came out to), so we often share our stuff. Months passed by and she fell in love with Andrew, who became her boyfriend. They were very serious and they even had their first time together.

But last week, Marina received some pictures. You know what I'm talking about. He had cheated on her twice before, and she forgave him. These pictures made the third time unforgivable; all they show is the look he doesn't give to her anymore... inspired by Victoria. She also smiles, and he kisses her forehead. He would later admit that they kissed (according to him, the kiss was started by Victoria), and that he still liked Victoria. So Marina did the sensible thing to do and dropped him.

What impresses me the most is the fact that Victoria went for it even when she once refused Nate arguing that she wouldn't want to hurt Marina. Victoria can be a spoiled girl and all that, but I had always seen her as a noble person. This just seems out of place. I never liked Victoria, but the way I looked at it, it wasn't her fault. Now, all I can think about is her being the antagonist. Marina is literally the best person I know and she doesn't deserve what she's going through. My school's environment has gotten uncertain and I'm glad I'm leaving soon.