Close Friend/Crush Confusion Woes-please help!

Humph. Where to begin? Firstly, thank you very much to whoever reads this. I greatly appreciate it.
So, I am a 19-year old girl who thought she was straight up until this summer when she developed a crush on a close female friend. We have only known each other for about 7 months, but have so much in common that (after getting over mutual shyness) we became extremely close. We met at work, where she pretty quickly came out to me as bi and I told her I was straight (we were discussing LGBT+ characters in a book.)
I realized this August that I had developed romantic feelings for this friend, and went through the subsequent process of being thrown for a loop, but relatively quickly accepted the feelings and proceeded to tell said friend. (I am not the kind of person who finds it easy to just not tell someone something like that, if I am close to them.)
When I confessed my feelings for me her initial reaction was mostly one of shock, but was supportive and we talked it out. I mainly just said that I understood she didn’t feel the same way, and that she was an important person to me and I want to keep her in my life. She went along with me saying that she didn’t have any feelings for me. She did say some things about how she thought I was cute when I started work at her location and that she had shut down thinking about me that way when I said I was straight. I was worried that my confession would make her uncomfortable, and she said that wasn’t the case, it was just that she has a tendency to want to respond when people have feelings for her??? (I am not entirely what she wanted to accomplish by telling me that. I think that she was going to try to not respond since she didn’t have feelings for me.)
In a lot of ways that conversation brought us closer. I would say we are more verbally and physically affectionate than we were before.
Now, I just want to caveat that I’ve been dealing with some other difficult things in my life, and I haven’t had much emotional or mental energy to figure out what I am about to describe has happened. So please forgive me if I seem somewhat oblivious. I also want to say that a lot of the things she said seem to have been said as purely a friend (in a sharing information kind of way), and also that she has a tendency to be rather analytical and just say things in a ‘that’s interesting’ kind of way without sometimes realizing their full emotional import. But she is generally an emotionally intelligent person.
So, what has me confused now is that in the past couple of weeks she has said some things that I brushed off at first, but are now puzzling me:
1. When we were discussing sexuality in general and our own experiences in particular she said, “It can be difficult for me to tell, with close female friends, if my feelings are platonic or romantic.”
2. “Well, I don’t have any guys around for you, but if you ever want to do any experimenting on this end,” (as in, with girls) “I’m here.”
3. She was saying how she has been talking to someone else about us hanging out and the stuff we done, and she said that the other person said what we were doing sounded like a new relationship, like doing new things together, etc.
4. We were watching a movie in my basement when my little sister came in, and my little sister said “sorry to interrupt you, you were just about to get to the making out part weren’t you” (in a joking way.) And I said “no, more like just about to sob” (the movie was sad) and my friend said “hey, at least let us have a bit of fun and make out first.)
5. Apparently her mother had said it would be fun if we got an apartment together (btw that would actually not be at all feasible right now) but when my friend told me this I was getting all happy and squeaky about the idea of us being roommates, and she jokingly said I should move into her house.
I am just rather confused. I guess what I’m wondering is, could she be possibly developing feelings for me and trying to drop hints? Or maybe she’s just confused? Or maybe something else???
ANY insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!
And if any more information would be helpful just ask.

 

*bump*?

 

Thank you so much for your reply, Barbatus.

First things first, just wanted to say that though I am still questioning, I am pretty sure that I am attracted to women at least a little bit of the time. And I am also completely, 100% sure that my feelings for my friend are romantic, not just platonic. I don't think I'm quite prepared to ask her on a date. I think my best bet, like you said, would just be to try to talk to her about it. I guess part of me is just scared that even asking for clarification would ruin our friendship (even though I know that wouldn't happen.) So yeah, I guess it might be a good idea to say that I still do have these feelings for her and gently question whether or not her feelings have changed (and saying why it kind of seems that way to me)?

Secondly, we just spent quite a lot of time together, and a couple of things happened that are confusing me further. She spent the night, and when it was getting late we ended up lying on my bed talking (it's quite a narrow bed.) After talking for quite some time she got up to go use the bathroom or something, and when she came back she turned off the light and laid back down. We ended up snuggling, and spoon-cuddling. We were playing with each others hair, I gave her a little neck massage, etc. We stayed like that, giggling and cuddling until very late and then she moved onto the mattress on the floor to sleep (we both have minor insomnia so would have been difficult to actually sleep on the same bed.) At one point she kissed my shoulder in an affectionate way.

Now I understand that plenty of friends cuddle all the time (including me with other friends.) And I would do almost all the same things in a strictly platonic situation. But I guess I would really appreciate it if someone could give their thoughts on this happening?

And if anyone has any more thoughts in regard to my original post I would really appreciate that as well.

Y'all are the best! Thanks a million!

 

Thanks again for the response, Barbatus! <3

Exactly, that's why I'm so confused, because I know that the same actions can have different meanings based on their context. I know that for me, the cuddling I did with her was more intimate than what I've done with other friends. (But I have no way of knowing whether or not it was more intimate that what SHE has done with HER friends.) We have both clearly stated to each other that we are very physically affectionate people.

I agree with you that approaching her about my feelings is the best route to go. Well, as much as there is a part of me that wants clarification RIGHT NOW, I think waiting a bit might be a good idea. Just to sort out what to say, etc. Because bottom line is that underneath my romantic feelings I simply care about her deeply as a friend. I want to figure out how to discuss this with her without making it seem like I'm 'accusing' her of anything, and in a way that will allow us to continue being close friends.

If anyone has any suggestions of what to say to her I would greatly appreciate it!

Right now I'm thinking something along the lines of: "So, there have been a couple of things that you have said/done recently that have made me a little confused. Like I said before, the most important thing to me is that you are a wonderful friend, and I want to keep you in my life. I just wanted to be clear that I still do have romantic feelings for you, and while I definitely want to try to let those die if...(I dunno, something like "given that you said you did not reciprocate said feelings), because of those feelings these things you have done/said made me have a certain emotional response. I guess what I'm trying to say, in a completely no-pressure way, is if your feelings towards me have changed at all? If yes, that's fine, and if not, perfectly fine, and if you don't know, also perfectly fine! I'm just finding myself in need of a little clarification."

Thoughts?

 

Well, I think I'm gonna try to talk to her tomorrow. This is just kinda eating me up. :/ Uncertainty sucks!

Anyone have any suggestions on how to make this as low-pressure on her as possible? Wish me luck!

 

Barbatus,

Thanks for all your help! Thought I might as well let you know how things went down!

I did end up talking to her day before yesterday. I agreed with you about the saying her actions were confusing me being accusatory, so I just ended up saying that I appreciated all her support but it seemed to me that her feelings might have changed, and could she please clarify for me.

At this point she said she didn't know exactly what her feelings for me were (in terms of platonic vs. romantic). We ended up in an EXTREMELY long conversation (lol, doesn't help that we both like to talk things to death), but it was good. Basically there are a lot of things going on in her head (including that, like she said, she frequently struggles with knowing whether or not her feelings for close female friends are romantic). I reiterated my feelings for her, and we had a good talk about not wanting to ruin our friendship.

And then *blushes* we decided to try some kissing and more cuddling to see how it went. So....my very first kiss ended up being with a girl! Didn't see that one coming. We kissed and cuddled for a while, and then decided we would give each other our reactions/opinions today.

That conversation ALSO lasted for a couple/few hours. I shared that I enjoyed all of the kissing/cuddling, but that I was also feelings like especially if she is still confused, that I'm not in the best place in my life right now for a relationship. And that maybe right now the best way we can support each other is as friends. She said that while she was mostly comfortable with our little 'experiment', it didn't really clarify anything. (What doesn't help here is that she is thinking she might be on the asexual spectrum.) So basically she said she is still confused, but leaning towards her feelings toward me being platonic.

We came to a mutual conclusion that remaining strictly friends is the best things right now. So, while logically I completely agree with that, my heart is hurting a bit. It just kinda sucks. Why did I have to fall for HER? Why not some random girl that I could just forget about??? Ugh.

What's gonna be difficult now is figuring out what types of verbal/physical affection might feed my crush/stop it from dying. Because, to be frank, a LOT of the stuff we were doing ('experiment' aside) is stuff I do with other friends.

Anyone have any advice on maintaining a friendship while trying to let feelings fade? Thanks!

 

Barbatus,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your help throughout this whole situation! (*hug*) It has helped so much to talk to someone objective and caring. I will definitely keep your advice about distraction and not indulging in my feelings in mind. I think you're definitely right about that. And even if it stings a bit right now, at least I get to keep a very good friend! There are much worse ways this could have ended!

 

Hey CharacterStudy, Thanks so much for saying that! Because honestly, my heart's kinda hurting right now and this just kinda sucks, so it's good to know that someone else thinks I approached this the right way.