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Getting over our relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bubbles123, Sep 18, 2016.

  1. bubbles123

    bubbles123 Guest

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    It's a long story, so I won't go into it all, but I've been best friends with this girl for a long time. We gradually got into a relationship about a year ago, it ended, but then we kept doing physical things for a while. We (mostly her initiating it) decided to stop all the physical/couple-like things we were still doing. Now, in school, she won't hardly talk or look at me because she's trying to keep boundaries. If we don't, she's worried we'll quickly fall back into our old patterns which I agree with.
    However, I am very emotionally dependent on her and it's been hell. I try all day to keep myself feeling okay, and then a little thing like her hugging our other friends and not me will tear me to shreds and send me spiraling. Or, she'll talk to me a little bit and I'll feel like I'm floating with happiness, only to snap back to the reality when it doesn't continue like that.

    Physical distance is not an option as we go to a very tiny school and have all the same friends and many of the same classes. I have been talking to a guidance counselor, as well as been working on better self-care and self-love. I'm just wondering if anyone has any other tips on how to get through this. I want to get to a place where I feel okay and well-adjusted enough to be friends with her again, as it's senior year and I want it to end on good terms. I don't want to lose her from my life, and I also don't want to keep feeling like shit every day I have to interact/not interact with her.

    Any advice you have is appreciated. Thank you very much.
     
  2. Gravity

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    Judging from a previous thread you wrote on this situation (assuming it's the same person - and apologies for the lack of responses in that thread!), it sounds like when you were in this relationship with her, you tended to pull away, talked about not wanting to be romantic, and so forth. But now, when it's ended, you sound fairly dependent on her - wanting signs of affection, being uncomfortable with her showing them to other people, and so forth.

    In short, you're putting out some mixed signals here (which can be just as confusing for you as for her), and it doesn't sound like you've ever really been at peace with the status of your relationship, whether as friends, significant others, or otherwise. I don't mean to pry, but if this is, for lack of a better term, a queer relationship (i.e., you don't identify as male or aren't cis-male, etc.), then it's possible there's some cultural shame at play here associated with being in a non-heterosexual relationship. Or if it isn't a queer relationship (i.e., heterosexual), perhaps there's some discomfort with the situation because it's not, at heart, what you're after. On the other (third?) hand, you could also just not be as into the relationship as you want to be, queerness or non-queerness aside.

    I think she has the right idea though - what's needed here is some distance. It might not be geographical in nature, and you may still have to share classrooms, etc., but you two could certainly talk and figure out a way to keep your social lives separate. Your friends will understand, and you don't have to sit next to each other in class (or if you do, you could ask your teacher to move).

    Remaining friends after a relationship (of whatever type) isn't always a virtue, and even in the (very, very) rare cases where it does work out, some sort of time of separation is almost always an important part of allowing the friendship to work. You need to grow in directions and ways that don't involve her, and likewise for her. Once you've done that (and it may take until past graduation), if you still want to attempt a friendship, you'll both be on much firmer ground to try it out.
     
  3. bubbles123

    bubbles123 Guest

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    Thank you very much for your reply. I think my discomfort was the result of not really being ready for the relationship - particularly romantic feelings, to begin with. I think I have a lot of codependency issues stemming from my insecurity and that's why I feel this way. She's been my rock for so long and it's hard to let that go, but at the same time I know I've grown very selfish and needy about it which, as much as it sucks to admit this, isn't a healthy friendship and distance is really what we need. I only hope we can come back together again, and be really good friends. Again, thank you for your reply.