I Am In So Much Pain. Please Reply, I Might Not Make It Tonight

Hi,

Firstly, I'd like to apologize for the extremely long thread, I just need to get this off my chest.

I've found that lately whenever I have an issue or a problem with no solution, I come on EC and I talk about it, and I always leave feeling better about myself and the issue. So I would just like to thank you all for making me feel this way.

Anyway, back to the reason for this post. I've been super stressed and have found that I have been having trouble getting over past mistakes or mistakes of others.

I'm gonna start with why I'm stressed. Last year in November, my mother was diagnosed with a cyst in her brain, this caused her to start forgetting things, her sight to weaken, and she gets headaches constantly. The doctors do not want to operate as a main vein is running directly through the cyst, and that operating will only increase the risk of her having a stroke and the cyst coming back. She has managed to handle her pain by taking slow release pain medication that the doctor prescribed to her, but now it seems as if the pain meds aren't working as well as they used to, so she went for blood tests last week and she is going to see the doctor again this week to discuss her results. I'm nervous as fuck. I don't want to show that I'm nervous because I know she is already super nervous as it is, we don't know what could happen next, the dr did say that it was the size of a Kiwi fruit, but thankfully it isn't growing. So now there might be a chance that it is growing and is giving her a lot of pain, I hate this.


Okay, onto the next problem. A few months ago I was called into the deputy principal's office, a girl in my drama class had filed a complaint about me. This was just after the June exams, where we had a own choice practical for our exam- we were given the opportunity to do what ever we wanted for the prac- So I had decided to perform the song "Fighter" originally by Christina Aguilera, but in the style of Glee so that I could have a character. When I proposed this idea to my teacher, she told me that she wanted me to do a song from a musical, so that I could have more of a character and not just do a song off of the radio. Although I had already started working on the song with my music teacher, I changed the song to "We Both Reached For The Gun" from the musical Chicago. I then realized that I would need another person to help me perform the number, now bare in mind, we only started working on this task a week before exams started because we were running out of time trying to cover everything that was going to be in the exam. So I ended up asking another girl in my drama class if she could do the prac with me, and she said yes. So a week into exams, this girl tells me that she can't do the prac with me, because she was helping another guy in our class with his prac and that she was now working on her own monologue, which she never mentioned to the teacher or to anyone else. Then, after I had my panic attack over this, I asked another girl to help - the one who filed the complaint - and she said she would help me. So after working out a schedule for when we could practice, a week before the actual exam, this girl goes to our teacher and complains that she can't do the prac with me and asks the teacher if she can cancel on me, and of course the teacher sides with her and says that I now have no choice but to do my prac on my own because I had decided to work on my practical so last minute before the exam. Now bare in mind, I had just been dropped twice, and forced to change my idea three times. So on one day during break at school, I was with my best friend and her boyfriend, and I was venting to her how upset and angry I was over the whole situation. Now we get to the actual prac, my music teacher had helped me with my own monologue and it was perfect, yet I completely stuffed it up. I kept stumbling over my words, I couldn't keep up with my music and my actions were completely out of time. This made me so depressed because the one thing I wanted to do was show these girls that I could do it, even without they're help. But what made it worse, was how they were watching me, each one of them, except the first girl I asked and the guy she was helping. The other two were sitting there with such expressions of dislike and irritation, as if they were forced to watch me, I thought they were my friends and that they would support me, especially while I was struggling. I swore to myself that I'd never be friends with them again after the way they treated me that day. But this wasn't the first time the girl who filed the complaint has made me feel this way, earlier this year our school had our House Plays, which is a play that every house team had to produce, as it was for marks for the matrics (seniors). Now during the rehearsal process, I was cast with these two girls who were judging me, we were the only grade 11s in our house, and I had never felt so alone in my life as I was during rehearsals. Both of these girls flat out ignored me, everyday, not just during rehearsals, it was as if they hated my guts and I had no idea what happened. We had been such good friends the year before when we first started drama together, now they loath me. :tears: I remember one day, during break, I walked over to their group to ask one of my friends if they wanted to go to the tuck shop with me, she said yes. But, the girl who filed the complaint said: "Jason, why aren't you sitting with your little group?" She said it in the most sarcastic tone I have ever heard. Then I responded with: "I just came to ask Raquel if she wanted to come to the tuck shop with me, as usual.", she then gave me a disgusted look and said: "Okay, Bye Now! You Can Leave Now!". How was I supposed to react to that? Everybody in the group went quiet and I just left, didn't even go to the tuck shop with my friend. The other incident happened during rehearsals, our cast were outside, and the girl needed a script, now I had already given my script to someone else to borrow since I already knew my lines, and my script ended up being given to the girl. Now after rehearsals I go and look for my script, and when I see it in her hands I ask her if I can have my script back. She gave me one skew look, and then instantly started holding my script as if it had some sort of infectious disease and said: "Ewww! Take it!". I pretended to brush off the comment and just carry on with my day, but how was I not to be offended by this? I could have filed a complaint towards her right then because I could have interpreted that incident as a homophobic remark, the way she changed after she found out that it was my script, suddenly became disgusted in the fact that she used a script that belonged to a gay guy, and just hand it back as fast as she could. But of course, at the time I didn't think this whole mean girl act would last.

Now, back to after the exams. I was in subs with my best friend, and we were just having a general discussion and I bring up my frustration about the exam, I was worried that I had failed my exam because of how badly I fucked up. And I mentioned that I was angry at the girl who ran to the teacher. Now, in the deputy principal's office, my words got twisted entirely, I had been accused of calling the girls "Bitches" and "Cunts" because they dropped me. And all of a sudden, the girl makes a new complaint that I made a racist comment on one of my Instagram posts, now according to her, she had told me multiple times not to use the word "Nigga", yet I don't recall her ever saying that it offended her, Yes I do understand the effect that word has, and how it is not appropriate to use, but don't say that you told me multiple times to stop using it when she didn't tell me at all! And when you think that's the worst it gets, well think again. My best friend was the person who told the girl everything I supposedly said about these girls, and later my best friend files a complaint in front of me for calling her Felicia in the terms of the Urban Dictionary. Now we had made a deal in the beginning of the year that we were gonna come up with nicknames for each other, she came up with Sharkiesha for me, and I came up with Felicia for her. To this day I don't know what Sharkiesha is meant to mean, but according to Urban Dictionary and to her, I've been calling her a Bitch for 9 months. I ended up with a Friday detention and I lost one of my best friends.

After this whole incident, I kind of went on a downwards spiral. I started cutting, I had no friends, nobody would acknowledge me or speak to me. And the only thing that kept me going was makeup and music. On the day of my detention, it was a civvies day, and I had spent all morning on my makeup, I was so proud of myself. It was the best I had ever looked. But once I climbed into the car to go to school, my dad saw my makeup and had a fit. He forced me out of the car and made me wash it all off, while screaming at me from behind while I was trying to wash it all off, he had the most evil look on his face. I cannot describe how scornful he was, he came this close to actually assaulting me, I backed away as soon as I could. I went to school and immediately went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out, I felt like the whole world was against me and that the world would be a better place without me, sometimes when I think about that day I still feel like the world would be better without me. I then gathered up all the strength to go to homeroom, pay my civvies fee and wait for our first period to begin. We had art first period, now my art teacher has dealt with me in the past with all of my other bullying, so he knows when something's not right. When he left the classroom, I went to the bathroom and sobbed, and slitting my wrists in the process, after a while my teacher sent the boys to go and find me, I pretended that I wasn't there but gave up and they told me that the teacher wanted to see me. I waited about 10 min before I left the bathroom and went to see my teacher, we then went outside and I told him what happened and he let me phone my mom, I cried on the phone for about 15 min. To this day I still haven't received an apology, and nor will I ever forgive my father for what he did.

I'm already sobbing now just going through these memories again. :tears:
And now, I find that I am feeling even lonelier than I have ever before, I hate the fact that the girls in my school find it so easy to get a boyfriend, and here I am, the only out gay kid in my school, with no chance of ever meeting someone, and trust me, I've tried meeting other gay guys. Right now I'm almost positive that me getting married or even dating someone is completely out of the picture.:tears::tears::tears:

Thank you for reading this super long vent, this is the only way I get to express myself without being judged. I would really appreciate some good advice or anything that could lift my spirits. This thread doesn't cover half of the stuff I would like to say, but I thought that I wouldn't burden you with a 5 page essay on just Bullying.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Py_-3di1yx0

Male Streisand

 

You're correct with how my schooling system works, right now I wish I didn't have to deal with this kind of drama. My mother always warned me that the girls in high school are bitches, and she's right. I hate the fact that I can express myself the way I wish I could with these people, I'm so self conscious and I always shy away from people, but in actual fact, I love to socialize with people, but only people I trust. And that's one thing I've found difficult to obtain, somebody I can trust with anything.

With my dad, it's either his way, or no way at all. He is extremely stubborn. He knows that I used to cut, he doesn't know that I still do. And quite frankly, I don't care if he does apologize, or if he tries to make an effort. That look in his eyes when he was screaming at me showed me his true colours, he is okay with the idea of me being gay, but when he has to see it, it's him having to face the reality of it.

I understand how much time I still have left, but with the way my health is, I might not last till 25. I have Shearman's disease, pectus carinatum, and gout. Now I know that this might not seem like a lot, but all of these combined is one super disease, I feel like an old man sometimes, I can never walk properly because of my back, my chest is in constant pain due to my surgery, and the gout is something I can't control. God knows what's still left for me, and I fear that one day I just won't be able to get up, and I'll be bound to my bed, not that that's a bad thing, but still.

I really don't know why I felt like I needed to say that last bit.. That's weird. :bang:

Anyways, thank you for replying and providing me with advice. Right now I feel like I need to be alone at school, not trying to socialize with people who don't want to be my friend. I might actually go and speak to my art teacher, I remember back in grade 9, I spoke with him and he knew I wasn't out to my parents, so he didn't say anything to them, so I know he won't tell them anything that I wouldn't want them knowing. And I definitely don't need my mom knowing any of this, she's stressed as it is and the more stress she gets the worse she feels.

Male Streisand