I fell in love with my best friend and we no longer speak

Recently me and my closest friend have stopped speaking I’m missing that a lot. A few months back I told him I wasn’t sure about my sexuality and initially he was very supportive but then I felt like things just became awkward between us. I also got the impression he was actively distancing himself from me.

He struggles with depression and anxiety and it was really bad at the start of this summer. Last summer he attempted suicide. When I met him it was for a bike ride and he cycled off and wouldn’t answer his phone or anything. I waited to meet him after work about a week later just to make sure he was okay, try and speak to him and show him that I cared. On a text a few days later when I asked why he was keeping me at such a distance he told me it’s too intense and like a relationship and he finds it easier to speak to other people. He cut off contact a couple of days after that. After a few weeks I spoke to his mum about how he was and she said he was fine so I went round to his house to try and speak to him but he wouldn’t come to the door. On a message he told me I didn’t understand his anxiety and whenever I just showed up out of the blue it would remind him of all his previous thoughts and actions. After this I decided to leave him alone for a while. But they were with good intentions and I didn’t want him to isolate himself, I think he knows this.

On top of this I think I developed strong feelings for him and I think it has made him uncomfortable. I think I showed how much I cared this summer and he wasn’t comfortable because of what I’ve said previously. Its hard to tell what he feels, at times I feel like I’m forcing a friendship with someone who couldn’t care. Yet before I left for university he was my closest friend and we’d do everything together and he seemed to like acting gay in a jokey way. As a going away present he gave me a mug with a picture of us two on and a picture frame that said love on top of it. Maybe I just took these jokes a bit too seriously?

Anyway, should I do anything else? I asked before I went to start my second year if he wanted to sort things, I said I would support him with anything and he’s a good friend and he just said he thinks he’s completely destroyed everything but didn’t reply when I asked what he meant. He’s a mormon (he had left the church when he was friends with me but has become a lot more involved in his church in the last 12 months) and is going away for two years in a months time to serve a mission. Maybe this is why he’s distancing himself due to his beliefs and what I said? He doesn’t seem to care but seems to be getting on well and his mental health is much better now. I’m still not entirely sure about my own orientation and I’m finding it difficult to decide if that makes sense. It’s quite hard to know wether to keep trying or if there is no longer any form of friendship there, mostly due to how I feel about him.