Hi Everyone, I am extremely sad and hurt right now. I identify as a bi sexual female although have not been with women since my early thirties. I married a man, have two kids and now am separated from him. About 6 months ago I met a man who completely gave me hope that I had a romantic future with him. We were very compatible especially sexually. He was going through a divorce himself and we were helping each other through our losses while quickly falling in love or so I thought. He was talking about our future, meeting my children, wanting to be with me in the worse way. WE contacted each other every day, spent hours talking about life and saw each other 2x a week where we would have sex the whole time. We even would spend hours sexting at night when we didn't see each other. Fast forward to this week and something felt off. Last week he told me that he wanted to "be a better person" for "us" and that he was scared to see me because until he is 100% divorced it was still considered "cheating" on his wife. I found that odd because the papers are already drawn, they just have the last step (court date) and its finished. They don't have children so that layer is not even there. I stared questioning his attraction to me because he said he was afraid he would want to touch me if we saw each other and "we deserve bettter" I was so confused I kept asking him why. Then I finally asked if he was gay. He said no a bunch of times but then suddenly broke down crying and said he thinks he may be. He said he at 53 years old has never been with a man because he repressed his feelings, but he thinks he could find true love with a man which he has never had with a woman. He also says he's scared of the sexual aspect a little because he is not sure what he will like. I am shocked and hurt. I am the first and only person he has told. I feel honored he trusts me so much, but pissed that he lied to me about his feelings for so long. I feel like even though he says he has never been with a man I shouldn't trust it because he lied about everything else. I could see if he was young, but the fact that he is so much older why even try another relationship with a woman if you were already on your way out of your marriage? He wants me to "help" him though everything, but I am so hurt that I want to bring a bat to his head, but then I feel for him and want to hug him and tell him he'l be ok. To be happy he's finally free. I am so confused. This biggest confusion is how he could be so sexual and beg to eat me out constantly, ask me to wear lingerie....ect if he's always had feelings for men. Any insight would be much appreciated. Thank you!
There could be a lot of reasons why he pursued a relationship with you as his marriage was ending. Maybe he wanted to hold onto the idea that he could make a relationship with a woman work, or hold onto the familiar feelings of being in his marriage. It's also, of course, possible that he had, and still has, genuine feelings for you, despite knowing that his attractions are really for men. Regardless, as much as I'm sure it does hurt, try to keep in mind that coming out to someone is a sign of trust - he trusted you with this information and sees you as someone he could confide in. That may not be what you wanted, but it doesn't need to be an insult exactly, and it may be all he can give right now. As far as you helping him through things - I think this is a question you'll have to make your own decision on, and I don't think there's a right answer. If you feel like you can be a source of support for him, then great. If you feel like you're too hurt to support him as he tries to explore this side of himself, that's okay too. Just be clear with yourself - and with him - about what you can provide and what you can't. (Also, to be honest, if he's going through a divorce and coming out at the same time, some professional help via counseling might not be a terrible idea for him either.) If you do decide you can support him through this, I would still recommend at least some time apart from each other. You need a chance to invest emotionally in other things and other relationships first.
Thank you so much for your reply. We really became very close quick and I can honestly say that there is a true friendship there. He is seeking help 2x a week. He has told me that he will do whatever I want and leaving it up to me. He wants to be friends with me and see's us in the future being very close. I do not know if I could it, but find it hard to cut him off. I know part of it is the fact I can't switch my feelings off that easily. This just happened two days ago. Maybe it will get easier to be just friends in time like you said? He admitted that it will be hard to not have the physical part of or relationship there which is confusing me more. He has never been with a man so he is not sure if he will enjoy it. But nonetheless knows he wont mess with women anymore. It's very confusing for me.
