I'm an 18 year old girl who identified as gay and this is my situation in which I need help with... It started when I was in a long distance relationship with this girl, let's call her, 'Amy', now Amy was controlling, manipulative, narcissistic... And the relationship didn't last long at all. During the time in which we began dating, I became friends with another gay girl who can go by the name 'Claire'. Claire and I got on extremely well and she had a girlfriend herself of about half a year. Claire and I instantly clicked and before you knew it began slowly hanging out every single day. My girlfriend, Amy, would get upset, but at the time I only saw Claire as a friend and had no interest whatsoever in her. Many people began telling me I should break up with Amy, including Claire, and after a while I eventually did and cut off all contact with her. After breaking up with Amy, Claire and I began hanging out even more. This is when Claire's girlfriend began getting overly jealous and upset. Claire's girlfriend reminds me of Amy in the sense that she has major abandonment issues which leads her to be very controlling and emotionally manipulative. Claire and her girlfriend had issues long before I came along, but I created more - unintentionally. I always defended myself with Claire and told her that her girlfriend has nothing to worry about as were simply two friends who enjoy each other's company. In all honesty, I've never gotten along with someone as well as I have with Claire. Prior to me liking Claire, her girlfriend attempted suicide over a fight the two had and blamed Claire for being the reason she wanted to die. You can hopefully understand that this girl is not mentally stable at all. Anywho, time went on and naturally.. I developed feelings for Claire and it became quite obvious that she had as well. We were inseparable and constantly wanted to be in each others presence. I began noticing that Claire seemed very restless and worried about her relationship with her girlfriend. So one night, quite recently, we sat in the car for a few hours and admitted we had feelings for one another. She told me that she was more excited to see me than her own girlfriend, that we work so well together and have so much potential. But she said she would never cheat on her girlfriend and was still unsure of what to do. Strangely, after that talk, Claire and her girlfriend seemed to be as happy as ever. I tried to seem as unbothered as possible. Then, the two got into a fight (about me) and Claire told me she was going to break up with her that night. They ended up breaking up and getting back together in that one night, Claire said it was too sad and emotional and that it wasn't the right time to end things. I so badly wanted to distance myself from the whole situation but found it difficult as I missed Claire too much. I ended up going a day without seeing her, however it didn't last as she made an excuse to drop something at my house so she could see me that night. I told her I couldn't be long and was only coming out to retrieve the item, it was awkward and weird. When I came back inside she texted me saying 'I was so nervous just then, it keeps getting worse every time I see you, my feelings just grow'. The conversation resulted in her saying that she has begun writing me a letter to get all her thoughts out. A few nights later she picked me up and I read the letter in the car as she went to get food. Long story short; she cares a lot about me and said she's terrified of losing me, she also said she's been feeling depressed lately and is so unsure of what to do as she knows these feelings for me won't go away any time soon but that she loves her girlfriend so much. The letter resulted in me understanding and caring for her more as a person, she wrote that she needs time and is going to take each day as it comes. She knows her relationship with her girlfriend will end but it's just a matter of time. Claire then asked me to write her one back, and so I did. I brought it with me to a party and we sat on the grass far away as she read it (I was very drunk). We spent majority of the night together. My brother ended up getting me from the party and she needed a lift home, on the walk to the car we ended up holding hands. When we got into the car we couldn't keep our hands off each other, we were stroking each others legs and arms and hugging and kissing each others cheek and intertwining our bodies. She kept whispering 'Why do you do this to me' and that 'I'm killing her', I could tell she was getting frustrated trying not to kiss me and it was all very intense. When she got home, she called me and we spoke, she said she can't even speak to her girlfriend now and that she needs to end things, she also said it felt so right and so good being with me like that. Bear in mind, prior to this we felt awkward even hugging each other because of the tension. I'm so unsure of what to do myself and how to act, I just need advice. I'm currently about to sit massive exams which will ultimately decide my future and am uncertain of what approach to take and how to respect her decision but also look out for myself so I don't potentially get hurt because after all... She is in a relationship right now. Thanks for reading this guys, sorry it was long.
That sounds pretty messy, I can see why you'd be unsure of what to do. I think communication is essential in these situations and you two are doing pretty well by writing letters and having proper talks here and there. However, at this point the ball is ultimately in Claire's court. She needs to make the decision whether she wants to break up with her gf and be with you or not, and it's not fair for her to string you along the way while she tries to make that decision/take action. As much as you respect her decision and process, I think you need to let her know that. She is putting you in a fundamentally awkward place and it could ruin what you two could potentially have. It could also be a good idea to take a break for a couple weeks while you two think over things by yourselves. If I were in your position, I'd make the point that Claire is already cheating on her girlfriend emotionally, and basically physically as well. If Claire says that she really doesn't cheat on her girlfriend, then she needs to cut off contact with you. To me, she's being a bit hypocritical and she needs to think more in your shoes. I'm sure things are hard for her, but that's no excuse to only think about yourself. On a side note, I don't know which exams you are taking but it's highly unlikely that any exam will decide your future, so try to take it easy! Good luck.
Thank you for your advice. When me and Claire have spoken about it she knows the relationship will end soon, it's just a matter of time... However it is difficult and awkward waiting around during this. I'm unsure of how to tell her that she has put me in an uconfortable situation...
